my pact

For a while now, I’ve dabbled with blogs. I’ve dabbled with writing and with displaying pictures of adventures from my life. It started off with one, with my name as the title. But for reason of which I will explain another day, I changed the name to an anonymous one. I thought this would be enough. But, with thanks to social networking and my own wishful thinking that that would indeed be enough – it wasn’t.

I’d begun to fall in love with the life I was creating – a little community just starting to shows its existence. Troubles were now seeming to have a space that I could one day share them on.

But due to a recent cut-of-all-contact from my mother, I have had to cut this blog I mention to a swift end. It’s still there – just at rest until one day I can start it up again. When triggers and fear of being found is no longer present in my days.

The plus side of this change, this separation and abandonment of a project I’d begun to love, is that I was always nervous of sharing dark or sorrowful or intense emotions, because I knew folk I was close to, and family members I share no or minimal contact with, had subscribed to it, or held links to it.

My recent reasons for blogging were to share my healing. My story. My pain. My past. My traumas. My joys. My what-life’s-about moments. My attempts to share to show people they’re not alone.

But these reasons were being shuttled away, instead trying to focus on just that that brought joy and light mentions of sorrow.

So here I bring you metaphorical marathons .

After reading the inspiring and amazing rrsahm (I recommend you all follow her incredible story) I have been inspired and reminded why I want to do this. Why I want to put the time in. The effort in. Why I want to so desperately swallow the worry and fears I hold of opening up to the core, and to the worldwide web.

I fear no one will read it. Or worse, people will read it and think of it as a load of tosh

But, what is life if it is lived in fear? Make friends with the fear, and it can be your most useful, resourceful and closest of companions in this road called life.

As of today, I have decided to every day share the memories, triggers, or flashbacks as they unfold. For the last two or three months to try to get a handle on the trauma and PTSD, I have been writing down flashbacks or pockets of memory of events, as soon as they flow into my mind. It has literally been amazing. I now can think of the events (which I will tell the stories of as this blog becomes its own), and not be physically triggered. It’s mind-blowing in fact. This is something I was so scared of and struggling with daily – the physical stresses of the traumas as it began to surface. Instead reminders will flip into my mind, and stays there for a while, but expressing it onto paper has softened the pang, for sure. This is clear cut evidence right there that words are medicine.

As the memories just keep on coming, I want to share them with you. I want to slowly tell my story. I fear not being able to do it properly or well enough, but as of this evening, and as of the inspiration I just took from the post above, and the real craving to begin to delve into the blogosphere, I want to bring you the inner depths of my self and my story until now, and the story I am telling from this moment.

So, I hope you enjoy. I will see you here – every day.

I would love to hear about you.

Sunshine,
x

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