you will not win

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Here and now, this very moment, I have felt for the first time the actual words of a ‘fight’.

This fight?

Mine against the shit. The people that have thrown shit in my life’s pan. Those that have added terror and turmoil to the mix. That fight. My fight.

I don’t believe in holding blame. That’s not what I do. In my eyes it doesn’t get you anywhere. But, you can let people ‘own’ what they did. You can let people, metaphorically, or literally if you are lucky enough, hold admittance and the responsibility for what they did. In my eyes this is the first step to healing – owning what was/is yours and knowing when to draw that line beneath guilt and responsibility for things that were out of your control.

I can’t let all these things that have happened to me, win. For the first time I have suddenly actually really felt a fight on my hands. The determination has always been there, even if gone forgotten for days, it bounces back strong and true. But the fight, I now realise, has never fully been there. I mean, it has, but I don’t think I’ve ever acknowledged it as that: as my refusal to let what’s happened to me ruin my life.

Sure, it’s going to effect it. Sure. But, if handled and seen in the right way, this can add beauty, understanding, compassion, knowledge, and wisdom to life’s mix.

I remember always being able to live two sides of my life. The shit went down but I still managed to (almost always) do everything I wanted. I remember, from my teenage years, refusing to let my mums struggles effect my life. They were happening – they were running riot, but I was happening too. My life was running too, and I refused to let mums shit get in the way of that.

So, maybe this means my fight has always been there, I just feel like the specific spark has dwindled slightly? And then I realise – it totally hasn’t. It’s just I’ve lost sight of it slightly. I’ve lost that faith and trust for myself – my ability, my coping skills, my strength…my fight.

Now it is time to let this shit that’s happened, get involved in my life. Not ‘in the way’ of it, just gently flowing into it and merging with the highs, the lows that my adventures bring. Refusing to let it effect me has got me to here, but my coping skills prior to this need to take a lifetime rest – they need to go on vacation until the end of time.

So here I bring you a fight. A fight filled with generosity, love, compassion, understanding, kindness, rest, fragility, gentle strength & resilience, faith, trust, patience … all for myself.

I hope you can find that too in the healing path or simply life’s path, you are on.

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