it takes you right back

I just came off a video call with my therapist.

And woah am I triggered.

I feel fuzzy

I feel weird

I feel discombobulated to the core

Man it was rough. I could feel it part way through. It was awkward, it was weird. I felt lost for words. I felt tongue-tied.

I tried to talk about Morocco but I came out all weird. I could watch myself check out, from the uncomfortable truth.

It was part of me protecting myself from the fear of retraumatising or retriggering. It was part of me protecting myself from the disassociation I so heavily and deeply fear.

I feel hungry now,  I think the panic has passed. It merges, still there, beneath the surface of the tide,

But my appetite is back.

I think that means I’m back.

I hope.

All I want to do is share the background behind this panic. This disassociative fear.

But I don’t have the time or the words right now. All I have is the worry. The sadness. The fear. The panic. The isolation. The terror of this.

How will I ever be something when my triggers hold such strife?

How will I ever manage anything with sensitivity that cuts like a knife?

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4 thoughts on “it takes you right back

  1. Pingback: My day and odd fear and panic tonight « Daily Life and My Avoidance

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