don’t be afraid

But if you do feel afraid, let yourself know it’s okay.

Just because you’ve felt these feelings before doesn’t mean the same outcome will happen.

Things are different now.
You are different now.
People are different now.

They know.
They’re here.
You know.
You’re here.

Last time you were 5,434.356 miles away.
Now you’re only metres.

Now you’re only metres to yourself.
You were back then, but not as experienced.
Not as disheveled.
But still, not as foundation-ised.

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Some parts of you keep shifting back to the neutral flat-arsed state. It’s almost plank-like. That feeling – that state.

It leaves me fearful to the core that my tendency to do this is so raw. That I can’t live like this forever, so how can I feel into this and know it’s okay?

But what happened was true. It was totally fair enough.

Last night I felt something I hadn’t felt until the days before the overdose.

My minds narrative went straight to that of the one that caused me to disassociate and overdose.

The fact this happened last night – the fact I was so triggered must have been for one giant reason. It must have been to show me that I can feel this. I can feel so close to what I felt before, but it be okay.

Hear that chattering mind – OKAY.

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So let the worries settle softly on your mind.

Let them fly from the nest of worry and sorrow.

Let them know they’re a natural part of healing. A natural source of sorrow.

But what this sorrow doesn’t know,
Is the disguise it takes upon you.

If only just the sorrow could feel true.
If only just the sorrow could be what shapes you.

But it takes the face of angst, of panic, of trigger.

So let these be known. Be heard. Be held.

And let them fly softly to be on the next passing cloud.

For they are no use to you.
No matter how hard they try,
To show you they’re protecting you.

They’re really not.

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Give them gratitude, give them thanks.
And then pass them on their way to fill your solid feeling tank.

This tank is you.
The one of strength.
The one of sorrow.
The one that will be there til the end.
The one that will hold you through it, no matter what.

Have faith in this tank of resource.

Have faith that this tank of resource is you.

I have faith in you, folks. X

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10 thoughts on “don’t be afraid

    • Thank you sweetpea. It’s been a rough old 24 hours but hoping some sleep will do it good. How are you? Thanks for your kind words, so nice to know you’re reading it. Hope you’ve had a good day xo

      • Sorry only just replying. You’ve been in my thoughts. Your last post touched my heart and I want to write a proper reply, which I will do soon. Buying a house sounds like a good day – I hope you are feeling happy about it all. Thanks for all your words, you’re a star. The PTSD has been really hard the last few days and really struggling to keep faith I’ll be able to keep my mind & soul in tact. Sunshine to you, x

      • PTSD can be so scarey and sometimes i worry to about my sanity especially as i begin to feel. Rest where you can, be gentle with yourself and take one moment at a time.
        i’m very excited about the house! I’ll be more excited once the inspector says we’re good to go!
        Lot’s of love and Sunshine to you too xo

      • Thanks so much for your words. As much as I wish so much you didn’t have to experience this and know about PTSD, I am glad that you do just for the sake of sharing with and helping others. Just this week I’m realising I can’t, no matter how hard I have been trying, do this alone. Obviously I never have been really as I have continually been supported by amazing friends, but I mean the more psychological and physiological aspects. The system here is crap and I have been trying my hardest to find a good therapist (my current one is via Skype – not ideal!) or support network but the waiting lists and stuff just takes forever. So, as of just the other day, my biggest fear has been spoken about and now is (hopefully) happening. To go somewhere, a specialist centre, at which I can receive specialist trauma help. It freaks me out but I also fill with relief. To finally, after all my years of growing up coping alone, to get some proper help with stuff.
        Thanks for reading my tonne of words : ) and thanks for being there.
        I am so excited for you and the house. When will the inspector give you the go go? Tonnes of love and support and of course, sunshine x

      • The system really does suck everywhere and it’s sad as we’ve been through enough and then they want to put us through hell…it’s re traumatizing. PTSD is definitely something to big for us to handle alone. The therapy via skype is better than nothing but definitely not ideal. i hope you are able to find what you need.
        My heart goes out to you with this battle.
        As far as the inspection…technically the 17th but we are hoping if financing comes through by tomorrow then maybe sooner!
        lots of love support and sunshine to you too xo

  1. Thank you for sharing this. There is a good lesson in this post, and I think it may be different for each person that reads it. I can relate to the anxiety, the panic, the depression… and it is important to remind yourself that these feelings are ok and yours to have. But remind yourself too that the only way out is through. Be proud each day you get through, for some it’s not possible.

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