But if you do feel afraid, let yourself know it’s okay.
Just because you’ve felt these feelings before doesn’t mean the same outcome will happen.
Things are different now.
You are different now.
People are different now.
Last time you were 5,434.356 miles away.
Now you’re only metres.
Now you’re only metres to yourself.
You were back then, but not as experienced.
Not as disheveled.
But still, not as foundation-ised.
Some parts of you keep shifting back to the neutral flat-arsed state. It’s almost plank-like. That feeling – that state.
It leaves me fearful to the core that my tendency to do this is so raw. That I can’t live like this forever, so how can I feel into this and know it’s okay?
But what happened was true. It was totally fair enough.
Last night I felt something I hadn’t felt until the days before the overdose.
My minds narrative went straight to that of the one that caused me to disassociate and overdose.
The fact this happened last night – the fact I was so triggered must have been for one giant reason. It must have been to show me that I can feel this. I can feel so close to what I felt before, but it be okay.
Hear that chattering mind – OKAY.
So let the worries settle softly on your mind.
Let them fly from the nest of worry and sorrow.
Let them know they’re a natural part of healing. A natural source of sorrow.
But what this sorrow doesn’t know,
Is the disguise it takes upon you.
If only just the sorrow could feel true.
If only just the sorrow could be what shapes you.
But it takes the face of angst, of panic, of trigger.
So let these be known. Be heard. Be held.
And let them fly softly to be on the next passing cloud.
For they are no use to you.
No matter how hard they try,
To show you they’re protecting you.
They’re really not.
Give them gratitude, give them thanks.
And then pass them on their way to fill your solid feeling tank.
This tank is you.
The one of strength.
The one of sorrow.
The one that will be there til the end.
The one that will hold you through it, no matter what.
Have faith in this tank of resource.
Have faith that this tank of resource is you.
I have faith in you, folks. X