I remember when my ma started to talk openly about her psychosis.
She would talk as though it had happened to anyone.
She would joke about the things she did.
She would joke about the things she said.
But this would make me livid. My sister too.
Livid with sorrow. Livid with fear.
Livid with remembrance of those hell filled years.
Now I see it was healing. Healing for her in the process of it all.
But for us it made us sick. It made us want to vomit out;
These memories of shit.
But for her it was healthy; it was good.
For us it sparked of triggers of turmoil and upset. Of things I would forever wish noone to see. Of things I will forever wish not to be. Of things I will forever dread to be.
Maybe I should just end it now. Maybe I should just close the closet and come out standing. Maybe I should leave this chaos; this turmoil; this distrust; for a quieter district riddled with peace instead of us. Me that is, not you or her.
I worry that I’m her – that I should give up now. That I too am healing and in that position to talk, to laugh, to joke.
May I add right here that in these early hours of a british summer morning (5.49am to be precise), my phone has spazzed out and cut off midway through this post. I lost half I wrote and I can’t be bothered to type it again. Know it was life changing stuff. Stuff you’d pay to read ; ). I am pissed because I want to share it – it feels a release beyond words to know I am lucky enough to spread it through thousands, of miles and of space with any readers it might face – but I guess I can trust that those words will be listened to and chomped on too, just in the realm of the outer stuff rather than our own.
You are your own person.
You are your own you.
What matters now is what you decide to do.
But don’t let that stress you out, panic, or confuse.
Because from what I’ve seen so far you are a pretty good muse.
You’re a solid solid giver of all that is true.
You’re a solid solid knower of all that keeps you true.
Now get on that elevator from your head to your heart, and sit there a while until you feel it to start. Watch it go by you, from you pulse to your brain. Watch it go by you and start thinking the same.
But that’s the difference right there – the connection is the name.
Keep it simple, keep it true, and what you’ll keep is you.