Today has been a dozy and cosy and rough one to say the least. After last nights whirlwind of intense retriggering and what felt like facing disassociation head on, my bones are weary and tired and my mind’s been too.
It’s only til now I actually feel the exhaustion.
The sickness of the draining.
I feel like I’ve been on a weekend bender of no sleep and truck loads of fun.
But instead all that I did was head rocketing back to the past, on a piece of the PTSD ride.
The past few days I feel I’m just starting to get a grip on the pattern of the way it all works.
It’s been six months since I was first given this label but with just my own research and sideline support from my therapist, I feel like it’s only now I’m starting to learn the ways in which it all works.
Until now I’ve just felt too traumatised and in chaos to be able to focus on what is, and what happens. Until now I’ve been coping and surviving with the life that followed the trauma of the overdose – the latter and most recent on my PTSD wheel.
So this sign of discovery, this sign of realisings, is a sign of health – a sign that the most recent trauma is softening enough for me to draw up a bit of a pattern. Or at least just draw up a bit of an understanding.
It’s not ‘me’. I’m not crazy. It’s just a truck load of trauma and PTSD.
But it sure is far from where I want to be.
It leaves you naked of energy
It leaves you naked of truth.
It brings you aching and emptiness
That’s all too fondly known.
It’s a fragility I’ve only recently shown.
Its a feeling ‘I can’t cope’,
I can’t do this anymore
As it’s also a feeling that brings you soaring to the floor.
What I’ve seen, what I’ve learnt,
Is that life’s got to feel with the challenge
It’s got to feel worth the heal
Because what this is is natural
What this is is real
It’s a normal response to abnormal events
You’re not crazy, you’re not mad,
You’re just healing and hurting bad.
The after effect dwindles away and the sensitivity of stimulation comes back into play,
with what leaves you with a shaking that feels here to stay.
But thats one thing that’s easy to forget:
These states change,
They move on,
But it just feels like what replaces them is just another jumbled mess.
From the outside I seem fine.
I look like me in the mirror.
I know I am me in the mirror.
It’s just what I feel inside
That eats me up alive.
It’s something I just now want to heal.
I feel so much is to come from this ordeal
But is it okay to long to fast forward?
To a place of balance?
To just take the learnings with me and promise to revise and soak them in?
It sure would.
Leave yourself be
Give yourself a break
And know how much you have at stake.
You are a wise old soul
And you know this to be true
So let yourself trust this
And know this is making you.
Good night all.
I hope you’ve had a good day x