it’s all come to now

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I see.

I see it’s all been working towards this.
I see the journey up until now.
I see the way I’ve been getting to this point.

I see how hard I was trying to work it all out.
I see myself back then, back til just now, and want to just hug that self. Give it the mountain of compassion and admiration and respect and pride I have for me back then. Me right back now.

I see everything is so different now.

I see I am just so so different to my mum.

I see this has just been one big long beginning to a path of healing.

I see that sometimes they can appear similar – similar to that of the person you so long never to be or follow. But then I see this is essential. This is what everyone does in their own creative way.

I see that this was always coming – my time of healing. My time of care.

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I see that those years of holding responsibility and troubles have now gone. They no longer belong to me, and so now I see it’s time to find the free me. The me I want to be. The me I am.

I see how much support I have around me.

I see how much everyone really really cares.

I see who shines and who steps back.

I see who I gravitate towards, and who I step from.

I see family members stepping forward in way I’ve always longed.

I see them, despite the distance, despite the years of not really ever knowing much, they are coming forward into a time that I used to dream of but never see happening.

It blows me away.

It feels like all these years have come to one.
All these tears are now beginning to come un-spun.

All the years of isolation and despair.

All those years of wishing and wondering if I’d be able to ever share this level of care.

All those years of feeling it was normal but beneath that, a real fear for quite how abnormal it really was.

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It’s all come to now: a time of healing, relief and pain. But a time to heal all the same.

To be able to feel. To be able to sob. To be able to know there will be someone there is undescribable.

To know that I know now how to ask, was always unimaginable.

I feel so alone, yet almost, for the first time: at peace with this.

For the first time in my life I feel blessed to be able to hold the pain of feeling like the only one who understands. Like the only one who really knows my story.

But now I just want to tell it to myself. I almost just crave that time with me. To reflect on the crazy journey it’s been. To give me and myself some time to be. To be with it all and know this is just part of the path to a place I just never thought belonged to me:
A place in which I am happy, I am free.

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But it’s finally here. It’s finally coming.
In and amongst and in the midst of a the pain, no matter how far away this place is, I know I’m on my way to it.

And for me that feels like a miracle I simply assumed would never live within my name.

It feels like the whole of my life has floated before my eyes singing, ‘that makes sense – we knew you would get here!’

And typing those words fill me with fear for the pain uncovery and depth I now face, but the most overwhelming sense of relief, miracle and wonder.

I am one lucky soul to be where I am now.

Life really is on my side, is what I just keep thinking.

When I feel calm I know this.

When I get lost in panic, I don’t.

But know that the mayhem, whirlwind and rollercoaster is over now.

And here is me.

Wounded, hurting, scarred and scared, but I am me and I am free.

I hope you give yourself time to reflect on how far you’ve come and from where you’ve been.

Because you’re amazing. ☀

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