Breathing. Taking 3 seconds in and as long as possible out, makes me connect to the determination and knowledge that this will all be okay.
I have never felt like this in my life and it scares me. That way you can just lose yourself. But just the breath brings me back to the moment – I can feel again.
My head spins a million miles an hour on a constant basis but in my heart I know. I KNOW. That this is a phase.
A phase to teach me what I need to know or to remind me of what I already did know.
It’s a phase of growth, of pain, of rock bottom, of intensity, of uncertainties, of greatest fears, of loneliness, of frustration, of anger, of regret, and of a candle of hope I just hope stays burning.
It will stay burning.
I am so determined this severe anxiety won’t get a grip on my life. That I can hold onto this reality and get through this. That I will learn how. That these meds will settle soon and the tools will come. That this all will arrive in time. But as I type that, I feel in my heart that need to grasp onto this with two hands tight – grab onto that fight or flight. Simply grab on and do your best but let your heart relax and know this hold you’re holding is one of love – one of a gentle fight because you’re worth it. In a way fight should not even be the word. It’s a journey in which you’re feeling lost but yet when you give it to yourself you do see you’re not lost – you’re getting closer to the truth. And when this happens we feel fear like never known before. Or known only in times of fearing for your life. Right now I guess it’s that – I guess it’s that total terror of what I’m feeling because what I’m feeling is a need for this not to be anymore. To end it. Or to lose it.
But it’s not as simple as that. That’s not a decision you can choose. Surrender to the ride, surrender to what’s coming your way, but within that surrender, know that you can do it. You are doing it.
You are coping, you are living. You have held so much til now, you can hold this – that ability doesn’t just disappear.
It’s anxiety talking that makes you feel mad. It’s panic happening that makes you feel this bad.
Is determination enough? Is it the right thing to be feeling?
Basically there’s no right or wrong, there’s just singing life’s song.
Keep singing. Keep shining. So long as in the day you find yourself and remember yourself at some point – even just sporadic short moments, that will stay forever – engrained in you.
Because no matter how far from the light you feel. No matter how deep in the shit you feel, there’s always that connection to the self and the connection to the light that stays in you no matter how lost you feel.
How do you keep connected to yourself in the midst of crisis or severe and consistent blasts of anxiety?
How do you know or keep a trust it will pass, even when the breath won’t work?
I’d love to know.
Have a good day folks ☀