enough suicidality for three

It makes me so angry.

It makes me so mad.

That it’s something we have to deal with.

That it’s something I have to deal with.

I just want to have a struggle, or a problem, or a moment of difficulty, and not cut STRAIGHT to that.

I just want my mind to see things as a slight blip, as a slight bump in life’s road,

Not a reason to END it.

I am so bored of jumping to that.

Of spending moments, hours, just thinking of how, when, why.

And now, because I’ve tried, I have such a fear – a PTSD trigger – behind the thoughts, which adds to the intensity.

I don’t want to do it,

I want to live.

I just want the pain to end, and the struggle to soften.

But I do feel like I have a choice.

Sure the thoughts pop up,

But I can get mad with them –

I can show them anger, and a deserving.

A deserving of me to LIVE.

A deserving of me to get through this.

A deserving of me to be happy and not carry this weight anymore.

Sure it might take some time,

But I want to trust I can make this time –

This journey of healing and troubles.

Please let me just be in it all,

Not have me swim in the suicidality of it all.

Like Freud says – suicide is when someone is so angry they want to kill someone else, but they can’t so they kill themselves.

My blood boils at the thought of this.

That people lose their lives every day, literally, or losing their days to the thoughts – when it can just so so so be avoided.

I guess it takes me right back to my anger with my mother.

If only she hadn’t done what she did.

If only she hadn’t have been who she was.

If only she left her shit behind when she brought up kids.

If only she’d have not given me that responsibilities.

If only she’d have realised and done something about the imbalance – the ill-health – the fucked up ness.

If only she hadn’t had made such a mark on me.

If only I didn’t have her genes.

If only.

If only SO many things.

This afternoon I clouded in depression. I clouded with a hopeless, heavy, winded, gentle, soft, weighted, faceless, depression. It left me back where I started. Figuring it best me not here.

All I could see, proved it true.

I napped, and slept a touch, but all I was left with was a trip back to the overdose and a trigger of suicide. It left me weak and undeserving of nothing but the end.

But then as I began to type,

I felt it.

I felt the anger…the ANGER..the RAGE…the HATE…the FUMING…the WISH for it to not be so…the longing for difference…and the anger that followed these ponderings.

I urge you to follow that course – FEEL the anger. Let yourself. Because just these past few days, I really see that Freud was right. (Funnily enough). For me anyway, my anger directs itself straight onto myself.

So it makes sense – as I have begun to feel anger (which leaves any therapist singing at this statement) I have begun to dabble with suicidality.

But now I feel like I have a choice.

Sure, sometimes I might not want to. I might not want to get angry and direct it towards that rather than myself. Sure, my self destructive patterns might still be very much there and will play up and ponder upon the thoughts of suicide, but now at least I have that awareness. I have that seed of knowledge that’s growing and that surely holds me in good steed.

So get angry, get pissed, get mad.

And know it’s healthy.

And also know my heart goes out to you if you too struggle with this thing – this haunting suicidality and the thoughts that follow. Please know you can share, you can write, you can talk. I still don’t quite feel like I am not alone with it, but I am starting to see this so please let this be an invitation to share it here. I wish we didn’t have to have this on our mind, or it be something that fills our time, but it is there and it is what it is, but we can get through it and we can befriend the thoughts and know we don’t need to act, or worry, or freak out. And gently, I trust, they will soften.

All my thoughts to you. xo

A little anger disclaimer:

I’m not suggesting get angry with other people – keep it in your own personal space but go get angry, pissed, mad, at a cardboard box in the garden. Or go stamp on some old dead branches. Or punch the air. Or shout really loudly. Or visualise yourself doing all these things. Just don’t go dumping your angry energy on someone else please.ย 

I’d love to know what you do when you get mad, pissed, and angry…or all three!

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3 thoughts on “enough suicidality for three

  1. The last time one of my parts got angry we ended up in the bathroom pouring bottle upon bottle of shower gel and shampoo into the bath tub and then flinging it at walls ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Great post. Xx

    • Love it! I had never thought of doing that! Apparently, heading outside with a cardboard box and some kind of bat or something and hitting the crap out of it works wonders. I tend to punch the air or perhaps a pillow for only a second, and then feel silly. I long for this anxiety to soften so I can freely get on my bike and bike it off! Weeding is also another one that works wonders ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thanks for your kind words xo

  2. There is anotherw way to look at things…….
    For whatever personal reasons, I believe in reincarnation. I know I have been here before and I believe I will be back here again. Each journey down is to learn some life lessons. And, before leaving for the journey I chose the two people whom, I felt at that time, were best equipped to teach me what I needed to learn and to experience early on. I ‘chose’ my parents.
    I was totally set free when I realized the above. All the anger, resentment, wonder at what went on in my childhood was totally washed away. All of the negative, inhibiting, destructive feelings I had towards my parents and towards myself were put into perspective. I realized that, as parents, they did the best that they could given the times and their own life experiences. And, I chose them, for whatever reason that I still do not understand, to be my teachers. They were the first choice that I made in a lifetime filled with choices.
    Not all of the choices we make are perfect, but, they are a ‘choice’ and we have the option to then make another choice. We can choose peace and happiness and contentment after we put whatever happened in our childhood into perspective and realize that it was a small part of a large whole. It helped to outline what we are today but it did not define what we are today.
    I dont expect you to start believing in reincarnation. I only offer the above as an example of another possible solution in a world filled with possible solutions. And, as long as there are possible solutions out there we owe it to ourselves to keep searching and trying and hanging on until we find the solution that works for us individually, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks or does. Keep working through it all and just breathe deeply and believe in the wonder that is you!

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