It makes me so angry.
It makes me so mad.
That it’s something we have to deal with.
That it’s something I have to deal with.
I just want to have a struggle, or a problem, or a moment of difficulty, and not cut STRAIGHT to that.
I just want my mind to see things as a slight blip, as a slight bump in life’s road,
Not a reason to END it.
I am so bored of jumping to that.
Of spending moments, hours, just thinking of how, when, why.
And now, because I’ve tried, I have such a fear – a PTSD trigger – behind the thoughts, which adds to the intensity.
I don’t want to do it,
I want to live.
I just want the pain to end, and the struggle to soften.
But I do feel like I have a choice.
Sure the thoughts pop up,
But I can get mad with them –
I can show them anger, and a deserving.
A deserving of me to LIVE.
A deserving of me to get through this.
A deserving of me to be happy and not carry this weight anymore.
Sure it might take some time,
But I want to trust I can make this time –
This journey of healing and troubles.
Please let me just be in it all,
Not have me swim in the suicidality of it all.
Like Freud says – suicide is when someone is so angry they want to kill someone else, but they can’t so they kill themselves.
My blood boils at the thought of this.
That people lose their lives every day, literally, or losing their days to the thoughts – when it can just so so so be avoided.
I guess it takes me right back to my anger with my mother.
If only she hadn’t done what she did.
If only she hadn’t have been who she was.
If only she left her shit behind when she brought up kids.
If only she’d have not given me that responsibilities.
If only she’d have realised and done something about the imbalance – the ill-health – the fucked up ness.
If only she hadn’t had made such a mark on me.
If only I didn’t have her genes.
If only SO many things.
This afternoon I clouded in depression. I clouded with a hopeless, heavy, winded, gentle, soft, weighted, faceless, depression. It left me back where I started. Figuring it best me not here.
All I could see, proved it true.
I napped, and slept a touch, but all I was left with was a trip back to the overdose and a trigger of suicide. It left me weak and undeserving of nothing but the end.
But then as I began to type,
I felt it.
I felt the anger…the ANGER..the RAGE…the HATE…the FUMING…the WISH for it to not be so…the longing for difference…and the anger that followed these ponderings.
I urge you to follow that course – FEEL the anger. Let yourself. Because just these past few days, I really see that Freud was right. (Funnily enough). For me anyway, my anger directs itself straight onto myself.
So it makes sense – as I have begun to feel anger (which leaves any therapist singing at this statement) I have begun to dabble with suicidality.
But now I feel like I have a choice.
Sure, sometimes I might not want to. I might not want to get angry and direct it towards that rather than myself. Sure, my self destructive patterns might still be very much there and will play up and ponder upon the thoughts of suicide, but now at least I have that awareness. I have that seed of knowledge that’s growing and that surely holds me in good steed.
So get angry, get pissed, get mad.
And know it’s healthy.
And also know my heart goes out to you if you too struggle with this thing – this haunting suicidality and the thoughts that follow. Please know you can share, you can write, you can talk. I still don’t quite feel like I am not alone with it, but I am starting to see this so please let this be an invitation to share it here. I wish we didn’t have to have this on our mind, or it be something that fills our time, but it is there and it is what it is, but we can get through it and we can befriend the thoughts and know we don’t need to act, or worry, or freak out. And gently, I trust, they will soften.
All my thoughts to you. xo
A little anger disclaimer:
I’m not suggesting get angry with other people – keep it in your own personal space but go get angry, pissed, mad, at a cardboard box in the garden. Or go stamp on some old dead branches. Or punch the air. Or shout really loudly. Or visualise yourself doing all these things. Just don’t go dumping your angry energy on someone else please.
I’d love to know what you do when you get mad, pissed, and angry…or all three!