As I look out the window,
Along the back side of the city,
I take a moment to lose my breath,
I take a moment to catch it again.
Right now I have to pinch myself,
At how life works in cycles.
This transformation, this growth, this time has been on the cards for the past few years – it first started with chronic fatigue, and ended with an overdose. Within the middle of that were many adventures, an amazing life of a few years – starting a PHD, travelling to Morocco, living in California for the winter, spending an idyllic summer by the ocean with friends, surfing skating and swimming, a summer of festival working, laughter, and a lot of what life’s about. But in the midst of all this, was the beginning of this – this growth, this change, this development of self. This crisis that was round the corner, is now here on the doorstep. In my front room…in my bed…wherever I look.
But as the Chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity’, that is something I want to hold close. This breakdown, whatever it is, can only be a breakthrough. Some might say otherwise. My voice of angst might say otherwise too. In fact it does. But actually, it’s really not that bad. Sure, this past week has been hell on earth. I felt I was losing my mind. The anxiety was telling me I need to live in a home. That voice is still there. I’m overwhelmed at cooking, washing, general life things. These switch me into complete stress overload. But, I have found myself somewhere this is not so much of a problem – a friend from the past has shown up and offered me a space to be, to live, to have food on the table. So why the panic, little one? Why the worry? Why the freakout that you’re freaked out? You’re no freak, and there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You’re having something that everyone has in their lifetime, and yours is well deserving.
I long to accept. To relax into it. But I can feel it happening slowly. That trust that if I fall into it, it doesn’t mean I’m falling off the wagon. It doesn’t mean I’m popping my bivvywack. It just means I’m becoming more relaxed in life.
When I see that picture, I see Santa Cruz. I see the time I spent there, sat on the rocks with a friend I met. Surfing until sunset with all aged folk around. And hundreds of them.
I feel California – I feel the winter that’s just been, and the summer that followed. I feel a frown of confusion. A frown of reflection that’s trying to be but also a slight shock of ‘where did that time go’. But maybe this is life. I hold a fear of not reflecting in case I forget and lose those memories and the time to sit mindfully with it all. But that will come. I only just now, seven years on, find myself sitting and reflecting on the time I lived in New Zealand and my journey there. My heart trusts that I will do the same for this too – all that has swum past the last year.
But I can’t help but just feel, that somewhere along this last year and a half’s road, I wasn’t quite me. I wasn’t quite connected. There was an element of running – of trying to, ‘for one last time’, let myself be what I always used to be, and am, and long to be. Full of adventure, sunshine, fun, travel, friends, journeying, exploring, seeing, sorting, living. Without this I feel un-me. But maybe it’s time to bring these two together. To find my feet and settle and adventure into my soul of who I really am – all these parts intwined. Because what I will find is something perfect, and perfectly imperfect. Because what I will find is me – and what I will feel is calm, relaxed, connected, and me. That fear of not being something special, of not being something fun, of not having a tale to tell, runs through.
But below that is an adult trust. That coming of age type thing I guess is it. This is all there is. You are all you are. And you are perfect just the way you are.
And this goes for you dear reader.
So let that frown soften,
Let that frown fade.
And bring with it,
An acorn of trust.
And bring with this acorn,
A tree of compassion, of love, of acceptance,
For no-one else but yourself.
And the rest will follow…
Have a good day good folk.