Move it slow,
Take those turtle steps your heart longs for,
Remember your ability, remember your determination:
What it will bring you is tenderness and nurturance from the most important thing: you.
Tonight I didn’t go to the yoga class I was wanting to go to, because the journey there and back felt too overwhelming and anxiety provoking after a day in the garden and some triggering phone calls, and general memories from the day (which I will touch on later). I felt in need of tenderness and comfort, and the yoga class felt it would give just that but I had a niggle in my heart to just head home – you have done enough dear one, for today.
So I came home, feeling chuffed with myself that I had listened to my heart and not my head telling me to challenge myself: ‘you need to do this, it will help you, etc etc’… i.e. you can’t help yourself. (There’s that lack of trust in my own abilities again.)
However, I didn’t go and I felt good about it. I bumped into the teacher outside my door, whom I had never met but she lives just a few doors down, and so I introduced myself and fully fibbed about my intentions to come. I didn’t feel my reason was good enough to tell her to her face (that is something I hope will come with time). I emailed her instead. A cop-out excuse – something about my bike having a puncture ; )
So instead of peacefully touching my toes in a room of clarity and health, what am I doing? I am doing my washing and making my room my own. Woof. I am also staying home alone, which for me was leaving me a triggered anxious mess just a few days ago. But yesterday I let myself stay home alone and I dug deep and found that old love of being home alone. It is still there – in this mess, in this muddle, in this weirdness, in this struggle, it is still there. Sure, the drugs might have helped, but I know too that there is a part of me that knows I am safe here. There are people walking past on the street, and who knows what could happen, but there is an element of risk in everything we choose to do, and when I weighed up the overwhelm of walking to the cafe across the neighbourhood, with staying home alone, in my heart I knew that home it is. So home it was.
Last Tuesday I moved into a big attic room at a lady’s house. It’s weird. So weird. And sad – I moved from a house with friends. But it needed to happen, and I am hoping it is something that is a step forward. In my heart I know this to be true. Here I have all the time in the world to be me, and I have just been spending every minute in my room or out weeding the flippin’ gigantic weeds in the garden here. The space has been a joy. But it has also been so lonely, so sad and weird. I will write more about this later, but I think a part of why I have felt the thought of unpacking my things and settling here, so overwhelming, is because part of me really doesn’t want to have to be here. Ugh. I so don’t. It’s the last place I want to be. But, if I let myself, I do know that
So. Back to the unpacking. I now hold a relief, a joy, a gratitude and a gratefulness to myself and the universe that I am looking after myself. I just did my washing – that makes me feel like a CHAMPION. I have finished my journal, but if I was writing this in there, I would give myself a gold star (I have got into the pattern of drawing myself a star and colouring it gold when I do something I am proud of myself for doing – I recommend it. It makes you smile, if anything else). So I would put one there, but I haven’t got a spot on a page, so I will put it here instead:
This time of overwhelm and struggle has shown me the important things in life. In my heart I know I am a real home person – I am a Taurus after all. But for me, home has always been wherever I hang my hat/have my bag. Home has been a million different places, and I have always noticed my ability to make myself feel at home anywhere. But now is a time in my life – the first time I think – that I really am holding a sensitivity to home and the need for it. My room, for example, in my old place, if someone had been sleeping in it or someone had chucked some stuff on my bed for me, my foundations were rocked. It’s weird, I’ve never had that before. In a way I kind of like it, because it is giving me a sense of security and my need for that is of utmost importance right now. And security is never something I have ever really known – in a sense, it has been something I have always rebelled against. All this travelling, moving around, working abroad, seasonal jobs, floating about for summers, has been totally amazing but I now see that something I almost have a phobia of is settling down. It’s just that fear of: what if it’s not quite right? What if where I am is not the best place for me to be? What if I want to leave in a couple of weeks? What if I do leave in a couple of weeks?
I guess what I want to share with you from this, apart from the complete and utter euphoric state I’m in at the fact I have DONE MY WASHING, is this:
If you leave something until the time is right, if you are lucky enough to be able to, it just feels so much nicer and enjoyable. If I had forced myself to unpack and do my washing the previous days, or even this morning, it would have felt like a chore and completely overwhelming and triggering.
If you have the time, the opportunity, the freedom to organise, play with the idea of only doing things when they really feel right.
Part of me cringes – ‘what a hippy’, I think. But I do also see that sometimes you can’t wait until it feels right, but what you can play with there, is the feeling inside when you are doing something that you just so don’t want to be doing at that time. Breathe deep and let yourself want to do it. Even if you really really really don’t want to and would give it up to do ANYTHING else in the world, by letting yourself want to simply do it because you know you have to – by doing it you’re letting yourself not avoid things, for example – it makes life just so much easier. Rather than spending that time in ‘pissed off’ mode, you can let yourself be and treat yourself afterwards.
Life is so much easier if you line up with what you’re doing, right? Easier said than done, I know. But I think it’s fun to just be aware of this idea.
Big love to you readers. I’m off to empty a couple more bags and smile while I do it.
How was your day? Feel proud of yourself for how it has gone, and what you have done. Whether your niggling head says you deserve it or not. I know you deserve it, so there you are: xox : )