It aches. In my chest. My heart has been broken and continues to be so, with every little nugget of psychiatric talk. Every little reference to medication. Every little reference to mental health.
But beneath it all is only severe anxiety. It’s only a heart and mind with ptsd.
Beneath this heartache is a feeling I’ve let myself down. All this medication, psychiatric talk and breakdown makes me feel like I’ve not done my best. I’ve failed. I haven’t held it together – I haven’t coped so therefore I’ve failed.
But dear girl, that is not true. Like I know anyone would tell me. We all are human. We all need to let go, let loose, let things be sometimes. Especially after carrying so much. It’s only natural. In fact, it’s called health.
To be in touch with psychiatric stuff – medications, mental health team, groups – does NOT mean you have failed. In a sense, it means you have succeeded. Not that I believe in failure or success with such things. But it’s true, you’ve got through and you’re asking for the help you deserve. Just so so deserve.
Just because you’re going down this route for now, it does not mean it is your only life route – we all hold so many aspects to our personality. Our being. Our nature. Our mental health is just one of them.
I know, one day not too far away, I will look back at this time and soften and forgive and let go of the judgements I am handing to myself. But right now, that is hard to find. I long for it so, but I just cannot grasp hold of that handle. So instead I try to grasp onto trust – a trust that one day I will be able to see it is just a patch in the journey. It does not define me. And it does not mean anything apart from what is.
These judgements fade away for others, so please let go of them for yourself. There is no difference there.
Failure and success do not need to play this game.
Yours in knowing. And sunshine. ☀