It aches. In my chest. My heart has been broken and continues to be so, with every little nugget of psychiatric talk. Every little reference to medication. Every little reference to mental health.

But beneath it all is only severe anxiety. It’s only a heart and mind with ptsd.

Beneath this heartache is a feeling I’ve let myself down. All this medication, psychiatric talk and breakdown makes me feel like I’ve not done my best. I’ve failed. I haven’t held it together – I haven’t coped so therefore I’ve failed.

But dear girl, that is not true. Like I know anyone would tell me. We all are human. We all need to let go, let loose, let things be sometimes. Especially after carrying so much. It’s only natural. In fact, it’s called health.

To be in touch with psychiatric stuff – medications, mental health team, groups – does NOT mean you have failed. In a sense, it means you have succeeded. Not that I believe in failure or success with such things. But it’s true, you’ve got through and you’re asking for the help you deserve. Just so so deserve.

Just because you’re going down this route for now, it does not mean it is your only life route – we all hold so many aspects to our personality. Our being. Our nature. Our mental health is just one of them.

I know, one day not too far away, I will look back at this time and soften and forgive and let go of the judgements I am handing to myself. But right now, that is hard to find. I long for it so, but I just cannot grasp hold of that handle. So instead I try to grasp onto trust – a trust that one day I will be able to see it is just a patch in the journey. It does not define me. And it does not mean anything apart from what is. 

These judgements fade away for others, so please let go of them for yourself. There is no difference there.

Failure and success do not need to play this game.

Yours in knowing. And sunshine. ☀



8 thoughts on “Heartbreaking

  1. It is only a matter of time before you recover and you will be so proud of yourself. Take it slowly and accept it is just a stage in your life. It is not the “YOU” ~ you are aan intelligent, amusing, creative person.

    • This reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. Your words touch. At times all I have been able to do is hear the reassurance from others that this is just a phase – when in those times, it feels just so far from that, and it feels like it could only be forever. But then other times, I really do see this is a phase too. I swing between the two, but I really hope that one day I will look back on this and hold a heart full of compassion for myself in this moment, that I thought it would always be this hard. It does pass on by, doesn’t it?
      Thank you again. Love to you. x x

  2. Thank you for following my blog, I appreciate it! What you have written is so true, everything we are going through is a stage and is not permanent, and the outcome depends on how we think about it and how we decide to react to it. “And this thing shall pass…,” as I am often reminded. Hopefully we can make the journey as bearable and as meaningful as we can. Warm wishes from simple cherishes.

    • Thank you so much for your words. Means a lot. As life is beginning to softly show me that this time is passing gently, I am beginning to trust that perhaps it is just a phase. It is hard when a phase feels life-long, but the way we struggle differs from day to day, month to month, and year to year, even if there feels a similarity in it all. It is all so different, and as you say, nothing is permanent.
      Sunshine to you. X

  3. You will get through it… At least you have a self-awareness of just how much you are struggling… You are not in denial and that means you are on the road to healing… Hang in there:)

    • Thank you so much. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I can feel it is just a phase, but others it just is so hard to trust that you will come out the other side. That is when I need to try and hear those around me saying that. I just really hope it is true, and that one day soon I can look back on this and say, wow I can’t believe I thought it would last forever.
      Big love to you. Thank you again for your kind words. Keep shining X

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