Today was a funny one. I spent until about 4pm with my head deep in the anxiety peddle boat race I seemed to be competing in. I just wanted to be floating gently along on life’s waves like I had been the couple of days before, not heading back up-current. I had actually felt the most NORMAL those past 2 days that I had felt in…maybe forever. For the record, yes I know normal certainly does not exist so, yes let’s leave that word out of it.
I don’t get anxiety. Ugh. Well, I sure do – I’ve GOT it, so I must get it somehow. But what I mean is the way that it just is so flippin’ CONVINCING. So convincing. The full blown doses of short lived panic is a little more obvious and even when you’re knee deep in the trench, you can still feel the mud beneath your boots and know you’re alive somewhere in there. But the bloody general panic or general anxiety is a living nightmare. Literally. My specific big anxiety is that I am going crazy. Thanks something-greater-than-myself. Because it just so happens that when you’re ear deep in that kind of anxiety, you literally feel crazy so it just spurs on my anxiety and we hang out there for a few hours or a few days. Dammit.
My therapist once told me that you can’t be angry and anxious at the same time. So today I must have subconciously remembered that because I was just so OVER it, that when I got a little breath of fresh air I would dig and dig or tug out weeds like no tomorrow. Those poor giant stingers got a seeing too. But what better therapy than getting stressed with a bit of nature that needs to come out anyway? I always pause and say thank you as I tug it out of it’s happily nested home in the soil. I also say a sorry too.
So, me and my anger-anxiety-anger-anxiety (it went a little like that) prepped the beds ready for the coming winter. We tucked a tonne of seeds into their bed. Green manure: it fixes a bunch of goodness into the soil ready for planting in the spring.
Each time I walked to the tool shed, I passed this beauty. One of my favourite plants…but I feel a little embarrassed as I don’t know the name. Anyone? I made a lot of completely unnecessary trips to the shed because of this and the way it added a second of soothing to the anxiety-anger remix: anxiety-anger-anxiety-anger-ahhh isn’t that beautiful-anxiety-anger-anxiety.
Beneath the anger and anxiety was a tonne of emotions floating and flying around. At the moment I have almost completely lost my talking voice. Not the one that says general words. The one that says how I feel. The one that shares my emotions and happenings. I seem to always be drifting towards spending time alone as apposed to anyone else. I haven’t seen any friends in weeks, yet I still am with people heaps of the time. Just not friends as such. Is this weird? Is this okay? Is this helpful or a hinderance? I don’t know. It’s a long story, that I don’t even know where to start. But a little overview is this: the past few months, 5 in fact, have been INTENSE. Beyond words. After taking an overdose whilst living in California, I returned home and since then my friends have been amazing. Literally amazing. Beyond words, again. But now I am gravitating towards stepping out on my own, yet in some ways I feel the most fragile I have ever felt. But there seems to be a solidness beneath it all. A foundation of strength that has come back, wearing a new snazzy jacket with lots of accessories. And with this foundation has come an instinct to be alone. To be with myself. Or to be in touch with, skyping, calling, texting, those who make me shine. Those who make me feel like me. And right now that feels essential. But it worries me slightly, as I am beginning to distance myself from those who have actually really helped me and shown a tonne of love. But in this distance, we are simply only talking about a few weeks – not a few months, and I do trust deep in my heart, that time is a healer too, and perhaps a little distance can be delicious. Who knows. What I do know, is I need to be around people who get it. And especially one of my dear dear friends here, just really doesn’t. In so many ways. It’s a hard one to work out what to do with, but she has caused a lot of havoc the past few weeks and I am flipping between the effect of saying something, or not saying something, and distancing, and not distancing.
Future tripping – that’s what I’m trying not to do. What will be will be.
Lesson learnt today?
I really need to buy some wellington boots.
My sister was with me in my heart a lot today too. So before I go, here is a tonne of love to her. We will be in touch again one day, I promise. It is not a lack of love that is forming the barrier. It is the opposite. It is all the love behind it and the memories and triggers it holds, from years and years. I just wish you would really know and understand, but one day I trust you will. For now, just know I love you.
Here’s to a sip of tea and a pinch of wholesome advice. All from a mug.
I came home to the newfound love of mine – Netflix. And have basically been there ever since. Broken up between an awkward awkward dinner, again. I just can’t do it. I can’t relax with this lady I live with. I don’t know what to do, so I’m hoping it will soften and pass. I feel about 15 and probably act a bit like it too, which probably adds a pinch of help to the mix.
As the moon drifted over my rooftop window, I felt that connection to the earth that I mentioned in the previous post, that actually I struggled to find today. It led me to begin reading about the Equinox that we have just had, and the effect it has on us beings, but I couldn’t flippin’ find decent info on the net. For once, all I seemed to get was tonnes of advertising for a gym called Equinox in Australia. Thank you. I want to know about the WORLD and SPACE. Not how to get big biceps.
My day has just beautifully ended with a skype call to where I was working in Cali. It touched my heart. It made my heart sing. It made me shine and feel like myself. In the midst of this, I had forgotten how important it is to speak with those that let your heart sing and bring memories flooding back to you of joy and love. It is funny though, and interesting to see, that confidence seed to speak of all that I am going through and have been through, medication n all, is just not quite blossoming yet. I just can’t escape the worry of what people will think. Even though I love them to bits. It will come, I trust.
Inspiration for the day:
A little skateboarding inspiration for the road.
How was your day? Hope it was a good one. X