My heart lifts, my eyes soften,
At the memories of the love was given,
That still is given.
Insecurities cast across doubt,
Floating over the support and words shown,
Clouding the possibility that I belong.
There you stood, always beaming,
Always happy to see me, which always left me confused.
Without you, the flight back would have been haunting,
Instead I felt held and part of a family.
Looking back now it feels like a marathon I was running,
One that added onto the last.
Now I have had some time to breath and am beginning to find my feet as my own new me,
I wish I could go back and do it again.
I wish I could go back and feel that love I felt for and from you.
Mary too – I wish I could really go back and see the care and see the support.
Is this normal, to look back and wish?
To look back and wish you could be who you are now, back then.
All those synchronicities – the way it flowed,
The easiness through which I glowed.
I wonder if this is normal,
I wonder if this is life,
To always look back and wonder,
And wish you could have taken a breath.
To feel slightly unconnected to the being that you were during that time.
I have a feeling this is slightly young age too.
Mid twenties perhaps will begin to bring,
That ability to sing the song you want to sing,
Rather than bring the qualities you think you need to bring.
I look back on it all and feel a heart filled with warmth,
A mind filled with wonder,
A soul filled with nurture.
But beneath it is suffering, is pain,
Is a knowing that I was continuing on like everything was the same.
There was effortless struggle,
Like you said, the morning we spoke in the hospital:
I was obviously hurting more than you knew.
But that’s because I didn’t say anything.
I kept it schtum. I kept it close.
Because that is what I knew to do.
Noone said I needed to take a break,
Or be soft and settled and broken down.
Instead I continued on like it was all normal and natural:
To be living the other side of the world,
To be uncovering and diving into your past,
To be bringing up pain from years you have never thought back to,
To be sharing this with noone but yourself,
To be heading on that bus to the city,
For the weekly therapy that you felt necessary.
I believe it was,
It made now be true,
It was a part of the path to you.
But I don’t know if it was right,
I didn’t know if it was what I should do.
But it happened so easily,
It flowed so smooth,
It had progress written deeply across the waves.
I see the overdose as a final point,
But like I was just told days ago,
It was a blip, it was not the final destination.
Hold yourself and trust yourself,
This is a journey of discovery,
A journey of truth.
What happens is what is,
And what doesn’t happen can get lost.
What I do want to take,
Is a knowledge of love,
Is that heart warming sense of support,
The belonging I have over there still.
I will always have a home there on that Californian soil,
I will always have a heart left in that nugget of life.
I wish so hard I could do things differently.
I wish so hard I could speak the words that I want to share,
With those over there.
But it will come,
I’m still here,
They are still there.
There is no rush.
Let nature take its course,
And trust that it is a good one.
Trust that it will ease up and soften.
You will one day look back –
This isn’t forever,
It just cannot be.
All those around you say the same thing,
And so take those words from those you trust,
And know you are doing your complete utmost,
And it is worth every cent of sweat.
You are worth every cent.
I could type forever about the memories I want to treasure,
But the joy of keeping them close is enough for now,
And I will trust when the time is right,
I will write them true and gold.
Because that is what they are –
Showered with pain, they hold a glistening that I would not change for tomorrow.
I do just want to hold a trust that what you say is what you mean,
And that special connection you have for me,
Is true all the same.
Despite the distance,
Despite the shame,
That is my stuff – that is me,
They can take a hike for now,
Forever in fact.
They hold no place here –
You shower support,
You shower inspiration,
You shower me shining,
And that right now is what I need.
So that right now, is what I will feed.
I will keep that connection close and that love deep,
And feel that family you are offering up,
And put it in my pocket,
As I step down life’s bizarre road.
All I want to be is back there,
All I want to feel is the Californian wind in my hair.
But for now it can be a memory –
Not a banished truth.
Because what you did was make life move.