You intwine, you entail, you cover me with your frustrating frustration fuelled vail.
You leave me restless.
You leave me irritated.
You leave me agitated to the very core.
Your vail has me forget.
It has me forget the joy and calm and ease I feel beneath your colours.
You have me forget the peace I hold in my soul.
Instead my soul feels shattered. It no longer is cradled and content, like my love had been trying so hard to discover and reach.
That self love I had taken so long to reach is left in tatters.
As twine reaches around its teetering edges, my heart cries for a an avenue.
A release of this pent up anger and frustration from years behind and years before.
In all your glory, in all your shine, you leave me roaring.
You leave me in a floating twirling midst of longing to harm, to cut, to EAT, to binge, to burn, to panic, to freak out about all things but the now, to hit, to attack. Not anyone else. Just myself. In these rushing moments I wish so much I had learnt those avenues of release – of expression. Of hate. Of anger. Of greed. Of resentment. Of love that’s forever needed a feed.
Instead it is me.
It is me that gets your hate. Your panic. Your loathing. Your regret. Your longing. Your frustration. Your MOOD.
It is me that gets me. No pillow. No jog. No burning rushing wind blown bike ride. Just me and my insides. And the outer.
I feel left in a turmoil of sickness. The urge to purge. The urge to vom. The urge to get rid of this rollercoaster. To step off it entirely.
But where did it go wrong? This morning I woke feeling content and comfortable and calm. What did I do wrong for two hours on to be feeling such anxiety & turmoil of mood. Was it that I took the snippet of pill a little late. Was it that I ate the wrong breakfast. Was it that
Is it that I’m just on my period? I reckon. Is it perhaps that I am just tired? I reckon. Does it mean that these perhaps are the wrong meds and I have to change? I don’t reckon.
In these flustered and clusters of hate, aggression, and exhaustion, I always forget they are not forever. They don’t need to be freaked out over. They will pass. They always do. I don’t need to change them.
Part of my anxiety mix is that when I’m in a panic, I add to the upset by trying to work it all out and having to hit the FIX switch right now. RIGHT NOW. Sometimes this means I’m miss super efficient in the midst of anxiety when it’s not bowling me sideways. But generally I am just an even more of a jumbled mess of:
Oh my god. This is wrong. I can’t be like this forever. I’m crazy. I’m going to be like this forever. Who was I thinking that I could get through this.
Cease to worry. Cease to panic in the panic. Know, as all the wise folks, this too shall pass.
Even though in the frickin moment it feels like forever, and it feels like you’ve lost the inches of your mind you were just beginning to get a grip on, man it makes it easier to try and hear those wise folks words. Whoever they might be.