“You’re crazy…yep definitely crazy…you’re losing your mind…hold the phone girl, you need to do something about this, you’re falling off the wagon…dude, it might not feel like it now but you need to get a grip because you will go crazy in a minute…it’s all very well trying to act all ‘together’ right now, but give it a few years or a few months and you’ll be in hospital, where you should be you…you’re a lunatic…”
blah blah blah.
There in words, is my regular inner dialogue in times of anxiety. Which is basically all the time at the moment. Man it’s annoying. It does my head in. No matter how many professionals (I think the tally is above twenty) tell me that I am categorically NOT, this convincing belief still pipes up on an hourly basis. At first I used to be bowled sideways, and in full belief of the worrying voice in my head telling me so. Yet just the past week, I seemed to have taken a new route of being completely and utterly OVER IT. And almost a surrender along the lines of, screw it, if I am crazy then that is what I am. Rather than holding a tonne of fear for it, I have tried to (as much as possible with a lifelong anxiety), embraced it with open arms of acceptance. If that is what happens, that is what happens. But right now, I am not. No matter how strong and frequent the voice is, or the feeling of it is.
For those who live life wearing an anxiety jacket, you will understand that feeling of craziness. Or so I’ve been told: it’s a really normal feeling to have. That you are going crazy. When in actual fact, simply the fact that you are aware of this and worrying about it shows that you are NOT. But the brain doesn’t work this logical way in that racing anxious state…does it? Ugh.
This “you’re crazy” voice chips in at any state: be it when I feel happy, sad, traumatised, worried…it has something to say. And it basically goes along the lines of this: “you’re crazy”…or at least going crazy. Yesterday I did a doodle to express my frustration with this voice. I hope you enjoy and it brings some clarity, humour or simply just a knowledge that you are normal. Upon drawing it, I felt laughter chuckling at the ridiculousness of it all. And that was a nice feeling to feel. A feeling that I hope I feel more of as the days of healing come.
I was once told, you cannot be angry and anxious at the same time. And it is 100% TRUE. I can hold responsibility for personal experimentation on that one. Get angry at the anxiety voices. Get angry at the anxious energy. Use it to bike, swim, run, dance, sing, laugh…whatever it is that gets it moving and gets you back into the groove of the present moment. And slowly, SLOWLY, I really do think the believing of these convincing voices, does start to soften. At least I hope so. It seems to have slightly this last week, and despite the “you’re crazy” voice being a professional at taking different disguises.
My “you’re crazy” voice is almost like a student with a in a fancy dress shop: it is a pro at taking different disguise and gets overwhelmingly excited at all the different ways it can dress itself. That may be one of the worst metaphors I have ever come up with, but hopefully you know what I mean. And in terms of fancy dress students, I’m simply going on how I was when I was at university. Always wearing some ridiculous cardboard outfit to some ridiculous
drunken evening civilised gathering. Photo’s of that some other day.
And just a little note for the road – I really encourage you to doodle out your anxieties. I will upload more soon, but this last week I have really got into drawing comic sketches of my anxiety dialogue and worries. It really works a treat.
Tonnes of love to you all.