Like a buttered bit of bread, that drops and lands face first on the floor,
There grief sits with its aching muscles, pain, and more.
My body feels empty of any fuel.
It feels as though my limbs have been ripped through the brambles backwards.
It feels like I have never before been here.
But then I realise I have. A thousand times before.
I just never have had the space and time and chance to FEEL.
And oh how I do.
My stomach churns in all its nausea.
Only now do I see how people take painkillers to numb emotional pain. Because it isn’t just emotional. It nestles and engrains itself physically too.
Never before have I literally felt unable to move. Not from tiredness like chronic fatigue. But simply I just CANNOT. It scares me but I almost don’t even have the beans to feel fear. It is almost just a little rumble beneath this ocean of guilt, grief, sorrow, and the unnamed rest.
Thank you so so much for all your lovely and heart warming and healing comments on my previous post, and the one before: I will reply properly soon, I promise. But for now I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate YOU. Thank you thank you thank you. Words cannot describe how much all you wonderful people’s support means to me. Keep shining.
Today I feel I have to dig deep beneath the painful aching heavy muscles and limbs, into reserves I have surely overdone the past few months. But they still seem to be there…only just. I’ll clasp onto the edges, grip as hard as I can and pull myself up to a day full of stuff. I need to pack (I have not even begun) and move, (AGAIN), make a tonne of phone calls and emails that were hitting anxiety jackpot way before this anyway, go to work to try and lift this heaviness in natures garden of green. Life goes on. Or so it seems to…always. No matter the strife in your heart, in your life, in your house – there sit the same people, on the same street corner. There sit the same folk on your TV screen, chatting about just another different trivial thing. There sit your friends not really knowing where to begin.
I hope the sun shines on you today. Love. X
Photo: Rotorua, New Zealand