A dodgy cocktail

As the rain pours outside, and my weary bones are ready for bed, I am really frickin annoyed because I just typed out a chunky post I was rather proud of, but my phone decided to eat it. So I dont know where that one went. It’ll just have to be one for the atmosphere.

I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally. My heart palpitates within my chest. My limbs feel empty and weak. My mind races. My body does too. And then it deflates, defeated. My heart feels confused, as it tries to beat to this jittery groove. It’s like exhaustion and a tonne of adrenaline all mixed into one dodgy cocktail, battling for air.

This week is jam packed to the extreme. And yet beneath the stress and upheave is an ocean of grief that I am not yet able to fully feel. It’s self protection, I know. Waiting til the moment is right – until I can put on the cozzy and swim. But I’m ready. I want to. And yet life has just way too many other oceans it seems to be slowly pouring over me by the bucket load, that grief just becomes another one of them.

Last night I moved. AGAIN. It’s a hefty long ol’ story but in a nutshell – it’s weird. I am so over moving. I just want to find the right place. It was one month at the last house, it may be one or two here. But all I know is that for the first time in my life, every inch of my being (almost every inch) just wants to settle. Just for a bit. I just want stability, consistency, and reliability. And right now the rest of my life feels so out of reach, i crave for home foundations that aren’t made of crumbly cornflakes. It now seems obviously. It now seems vital.

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That is it for now. There are so many words I want but I will write more tomorrow. To fit the contents of my mind into a blog post right now, feels like walking the Great Wall of China in stilettos two sizes too big.

Tonnes of love.

How are you all? X

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14 thoughts on “A dodgy cocktail

  1. i know how you feel about wanting to settle, i just went through that where the desire to get a home of our own and settle once and for all was so strong i couldn’t stand it. We had moved 3 times in two years and we just had our 4th move to our new home! I can’t tell you how wonderful that feels.
    the reason i say this is maybe you are about to find home, or your home will find you, and that’s why the urge is so strong?

    • Ah, that was so nice to read. Thank you. I’m so glad to hear you have found that place and you were really ready for it to come to you. You’re so right too. that I am now suddenly totally over moving around, which I used to quite enjoy. The thought of settling, making me and my itchy feet nervous, but now it’s shifted to the other way round. And I think in life, you need to be ready for whatever it is to happen, and this is a natural process – one you can’t speed up. Even if you think you’ve been ready for a while, it often turns out you so haven’t – that’s where I am right now I think: realising i havent actually been totally up for settling until now. If that makes any sense. How is your house? Are you enjoying making it cosy? Hope so. And how are you? Big love. Xx

      • i get that and it sounds like the seasons have now changed for you 🙂 love the new house and doing lots of painting to make it home!
        i’m doing pretty good right now how are you?
        big love back! xo

      • So glad you’re doing pretty good and so glad you’re painting your new home! Paintings one of the best jobs.
        I’m not doing so great. Just feeling really low and deflated after a cruddy cbt session yesterday. Did you find it took time to find the right therapy that helped you? Right now my anxiety is so up and pretty consistent constant state, i don’t feel ready for EMDR but after yesterday I’m wondering whether to just bite the bullet and find someone and see if we can just take it real slow. Did you sometimes lose faith at the beginning of your healing that your situation was too complex or too much trauma or whatever? I just want a break! Just a breather for a day, or a week. And I feel like all the going and searching for therapy just brings up so much stuff but then the thought of not trying out things leaves me anxious because I’m not helping myself…if that makes sense. I’m craving a gentle approach right now I think & have been really focusing on yoga and cranial sacral but craving that start on specific trauma based cbt and EMDR. Just after yesterday I’m feeling lost and down hearted.
        That’s a long old reply! 😉 thinking of you and sending tonnes of love. Xx

      • awww i’m so sorry. it took me years to find someone that could help. and i hate CBT…i let therapist know now that i want nothing to do with it, it only makes things worse for me. my most favourite therapist was the last one i had, not this present one (although she’s good) with the last one the work we did was life changing for the first time ever. i went from not being able to leave the house to leaving without a thought. Have you considered somatic experiencing? That is a very gentle approach yet affective…that is what began to change my life, it is also good to have as a precursor to EMDR.
        I do feel a lot like I will never be done as there is so much trauma. Not only that I seem to be finding more and more that I didn’t know about.
        It definitely gets overwhelming…I feel like I lost have my life to abuse and now I have to spend the other half recovering…
        If you decide to look at other options, I had my last therapist write a letter to my future one with the work we had done and what I was dealing with, so I didn’t have to explain the story all over again to a new one…the new one still doesn’t know a lot of the story as we get to it when it comes up.
        I hope this helps!
        I’m thinking of you tonnes of love back xo
        (How’s that for a long response?!) 😉

  2. Ok let’s start with the oceans washing over you ~ that is scary but a good thing ~ the oceans will wash away the crap and cleanse you so that you will be made new and refreshed. Now the settling is a tough one! I think the blog you sent out into the universe may just have been about that and it needed to be out there. Now that you know what you want you must ask for help from whoever is in a position to get you a home to settle in. It really doesn’t matter if it is an old caravan, a boat, flat or cottage, or an outbuilding on someone’s land but you must have stability. Read all the advertisements in local shops and newspapers, put adverts out there yourself, go in person to speak to the housing department, and charities ~ women’s refuges ~ ANYTHING just so everyone knows what you need and want. Then be aware and listen for the universe to answer you ~ it will. Be ready to take any opportunity that presents itself.
    Good luck, I know it is hard when you feel so low but it will be worth it! Love and hugs x

    • You are such a star. I really mean it- your words soothe and comfort and reassure so much and that means the world. Thank you. That’s so lovely to hear you say to just ask and put out effort in every area possible and it will come to you if you listen. That’s how I’ve always thought but never really sure it’s really true! So that was nice to read : ) I’m going to be here until the right place comes about. And maybe here isn’t so bad after all. It’s funny, to feel at home and relaxed and surrounded by stability makes me so nervous and anxious for whatever crumble may follow…if that makes sense. The thought of having foundations and a sense of belonging and home just makes me want to cry! And I’m just nervous that the slightest hint of that and i’ll crumble.
      Your other reply I’ve been wanting to save proper time to write back to.
      Big love & sunshine to you. Hope you’re feeling happy and at peace. X x

      • I am happy and at peace most of the time now ~ I lead a simpler life and don’t force myself to do anything I am not comfortable with. I have been to hell and back over the years ~ but I did come back and you will too. I am so grateful for the help i received and I am happy if my words help you a tiny bit. You are so precious x

      • So glad to hear you are happy and at peace for as much of the time as possible. Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough rocky road but trust that it all comes to be resource for your life now – that is something I am trying to hold trust with. Your words and responses always help, and you can tell you hold a great wisdom. The gratitude and shine flows out too. Lots of love. X

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