As the rain pours outside, and my weary bones are ready for bed, I am really frickin annoyed because I just typed out a chunky post I was rather proud of, but my phone decided to eat it. So I dont know where that one went. It’ll just have to be one for the atmosphere.
I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally. My heart palpitates within my chest. My limbs feel empty and weak. My mind races. My body does too. And then it deflates, defeated. My heart feels confused, as it tries to beat to this jittery groove. It’s like exhaustion and a tonne of adrenaline all mixed into one dodgy cocktail, battling for air.
This week is jam packed to the extreme. And yet beneath the stress and upheave is an ocean of grief that I am not yet able to fully feel. It’s self protection, I know. Waiting til the moment is right – until I can put on the cozzy and swim. But I’m ready. I want to. And yet life has just way too many other oceans it seems to be slowly pouring over me by the bucket load, that grief just becomes another one of them.
Last night I moved. AGAIN. It’s a hefty long ol’ story but in a nutshell – it’s weird. I am so over moving. I just want to find the right place. It was one month at the last house, it may be one or two here. But all I know is that for the first time in my life, every inch of my being (almost every inch) just wants to settle. Just for a bit. I just want stability, consistency, and reliability. And right now the rest of my life feels so out of reach, i crave for home foundations that aren’t made of crumbly cornflakes. It now seems obviously. It now seems vital.
That is it for now. There are so many words I want but I will write more tomorrow. To fit the contents of my mind into a blog post right now, feels like walking the Great Wall of China in stilettos two sizes too big.
Tonnes of love.
How are you all? X