This is super short before I hit the pillow. But today has been an intense one.
I amped myself up to go to the place I mentioned a couple of weeks back, to begin CBT group sessions after that initial assessment. But it was crap. I was on complete anxiety and trauma land, with the odd snippet of soaking up knowledge. But it all feels too traumatic right now to even contemplate looking back over what was taught and learnt. I was hoping for some normality – to sit in a room and feel like I didn’t have a tonne of stuff wrong with me, I just have severe anxiety and PTSD. But instead it was not specific and it was weird as hell because we didn’t really share stuff. Down the line, maybe this is perfect. But I realised there and then how specific my anxiety is and how complex it feels. Yet it is still all just anxiety – be it severe or mild or based on acute trauma or not… It’s all just the same principles and thought patterns and such. It just I feel so overwhelmed and in such a heightened state of it, and feel so out of control of it so often, it baffles me how a weekly group of such stuff could at all help. But maybe it will. The stuff it brought up and the intensity of going was so so much. I was crippled all morn. Upon leaving the session I felt no hope was left in me. And yet I had to make it home. Which I did. Stopping en route to buy some fish n chips. The first time in yonks. Right healthy there. After an email chat with my therapist (the Internet didn’t work dammit so we missed our weekly slot so had a shonky but helpful twenty minute email conversation – ugh) and we concluded that let down is a trigger. Man, it so so is. I immediately head straight down the route of suicidal thoughts upon any kind of mini or massive let down – real or thought led. It sucks. And is really frustrating. And I think, as my therapist said, these feelings are here tonight from amping myself up to cope and them feeling let down to the core immediately afterwards. It worried me tonight as I was really focused on the intensity of the suicidality and it is not something I have felt in a while. My suicidality is anxiety based when it floats in yet tonight it felt intense and since the overdose I panic and flutter and flap at any slight thought. And that gives me faith because the fact I panic at the thoughts shows, in my mind, how I don’t want them to become reality. Yet tonight it felt more of a desperation and not such a panic beneath them…which funnily enough, led to a gentle sidewalk panic.
There is a tonne more I could share there about a big family let down and money worry too but that is definitely something for another day.
I long for this healing to be like a juicy fruity fig – bitten open and full of beauty and goodness. But it just feels so far from that today. I feel defeated and deflated. Yet there are times when I feel invigorated and inspired as the healing journey happens. Maybe I’m a juicy fig after all, i just haven’t found a way of holding onto it yet.
Hope you’re all feeling like a beautiful juicy fig. Because you are. Big love.