The past little while I’ve been thinking about the overdose and all that followed, so so much. I crave to talk, to share, to voice what happened and the questions I have for those friends involved in the ripple that followed afterwards. But I’m not. I don’t. I haven’t. I won’t. It’s a complete fear and angst preventing me from doing so.
This fear is the fear of heightening the trauma and bringing it to the surface in an unnecessary way. This is another classic example of how PTSD leaves you fearing the healing journey. For me anyhow.
Yet some say, this stuff is at the surface to be healed – so does that mean talking and sharing and triggering is a positive thing? I dunno. In my heart i know I need to share and unravel it all with my dear friends that were so so involved. But I feel I am not yet comfortable and trusting of the PTSD state, in all its triggering and stomach fluttering, dissociating way, enough to not completely panic when I feel that way. It is coming, ever so slowly. But part of me also feels the need to let the bits of trauma from this event heal slightly more before it is brought up again. Be it through EMDR or maybe even just more time to allow the trust to grow of the PTSD state, and seeing it’s okay, to then touch on it all. But right now, that longing to talk is something I am holding close and noticing and honouring and listening to, rather than blocking it out. I worry I’m stuffing it down, I worry that I am going to just go and do it again because I’m not sharing and listening to the stories of those who helped me afterwards and love me dearly – without whom I could not have gotten through that and remained slightly in tact.
And it is not like I have not talked at all. It’s just the amount of which I long to, is so far from what I have actually done so. I have gone over it with a few friends and my therapist who all helped piece bits together and for me to hear their side of it was just incredible and touching and moving beyond words. To hear from their side, from what happened when they found out and what happened when they became involved, heals beyond words.
But I am so frustrated and longing to know . It’s that part of me listening to all those people that say to hold off delving and talking and disclosing the trauma right now. And I think there must be an element of me that believes them because I am refraining from sitting knee deep in it all. Yet when I touch into the details of the overdose and begin to share the words on here, it feels like I am connecting to a fragile piece of me that makes me feel like I am honouring myself and connecting to my soul rather than stuffing or distracting or ignoring. But I think a healthy balance is needed. In my mine of angsts, my worst case scenario fear for this is that if I don’t talk about it then I will do it again. I guess I will never know if this theory is true, just like I will never know if it is false. And that’s just the way that anxiety goes.
To share little snippets, little bits, is perhaps what I want to stick with right now. I am blessed to be working where I can chat and share with a good friend who used to be a psychotherapist and have often found myself just dropping details or bits about the overdose into conversation, and so for me this feels like desensitising the subject in all its intensity because it has become something I can briefly touch on without going super deep. And that is when the retriggering seems to happen. So maybe actually I am actually doing enough right now? Maybe I could let myself off a hard time? I strive to do everything perfectly and right and the best yet what if I am actually doing tonnes? The only other bit of this I struggle to know I am doing enough with is when I have flashbacks of the details and vivid memories of the event. Yet just the other day I realised that actually I anticipate the retriggering – I will suddenly be taken right back in my memories, to a part of the event and overdose that I had not remembered before or had remembered and thought of tonnes of times. Here, then a breath gets taken away and I begin to panic that I’m being retriggered or having a flashback. When in actual fact, what if I’m just processing? Just how you would randomly in the day remember something from your past, I remember bits of the trauma all of a sudden, pretty frequently. It does seem to be happening a lot at the moment, but they aren’t actually leaving me triggered: these memories are leaving me perhaps just processing it. Before I used jump and write it out – word for word what I was remembering. I think this really helped to desensitise but now I don’t long to do that. I just long to sit with the memory and feeling. Hold my hand to my heart and then, if I remember, use the energy it simulates (be it soft or jumpy) into a movement or something I’m doing – like a healthy distraction and use/release of the energy.
My therapist often used to say that words aren’t always the best, or necessary form of trauma release. And now I really see that to be true.
Use the energy flashbacks or memories or feelings inspire, to empower you in a task. Use it to connect you to you and ground you.
This is where I have been gravitating towards and so that is the route I am headed right now. With a balance of talking as well.
It’s an amazing thing to feel empowered and relieved when you can consciously channel the energy into a positive and strengthening release. It shows me, beneath all my angst about whether I’m doing enough, that actually I really am. It is the opposite of stuffing or ignoring, it is just not talking. Which is what is so often thought of as the only way of release. Yet connecting the body and mind is so powerful and of utmost importance in trauma release, from what I have seen and been told and am discovering. And so it is a nice thing to be realising I am doing.
Right now I don’t have wifi where I’m living and so I feel out of touch with you all. I just have my phone which makes reading and blogging and commenting, a little trickier. I will be back on the commenting wagon soon – sorry I have been a bit slack at replying but have been thinking of you all!