To share.

The past little while I’ve been thinking about the overdose and all that followed, so so much. I crave to talk, to share, to voice what happened and the questions I have for those friends involved in the ripple that followed afterwards. But I’m not. I don’t. I haven’t. I won’t. It’s a complete fear and angst preventing me from doing so.

This fear is the fear of heightening the trauma and bringing it to the surface in an unnecessary way. This is another classic example of how PTSD leaves you fearing the healing journey. For me anyhow.

Yet some say, this stuff is at the surface to be healed – so does that mean talking and sharing and triggering is a positive thing? I dunno. In my heart i know I need to share and unravel it all with my dear friends that were so so involved. But I feel I am not yet comfortable and trusting of the PTSD state, in all its triggering and stomach fluttering, dissociating way, enough to not completely panic when I feel that way. It is coming, ever so slowly. But part of me also feels the need to let the bits of trauma from this event heal slightly more before it is brought up again. Be it through EMDR or maybe even just more time to allow the trust to grow of the PTSD state, and seeing it’s okay, to then touch on it all. But right now, that longing to talk is something I am holding close and noticing and honouring and listening to, rather than blocking it out. I worry I’m stuffing it down, I worry that I am going to just go and do it again because I’m not sharing and listening to the stories of those who helped me afterwards and love me dearly – without whom I could not have gotten through that and remained slightly in tact.

And it is not like I have not talked at all. It’s just the amount of which I long to, is so far from what I have actually done so. I have gone over it with a few friends and my therapist who all helped piece bits together and for me to hear their side of it was just incredible and touching and moving beyond words. To hear from their side, from what happened when they found out and what happened when they became involved, heals beyond words.

But I am so frustrated and longing to know . It’s that part of me listening to all those people that say to hold off delving and talking and disclosing the trauma right now. And I think there must be an element of me that believes them because I am refraining from sitting knee deep in it all. Yet when I touch into the details of the overdose and begin to share the words on here, it feels like I am connecting to a fragile piece of me that makes me feel like I am honouring myself and connecting to my soul rather than stuffing or distracting or ignoring. But I think a healthy balance is needed. In my mine of angsts, my worst case scenario fear for this is that if I don’t talk about it then I will do it again. I guess I will never know if this theory is true, just like I will never know if it is false. And that’s just the way that anxiety goes.

To share little snippets, little bits, is perhaps what I want to stick with right now. I am blessed to be working where I can chat and share with a good friend who used to be a psychotherapist and have often found myself just dropping details or bits about the overdose into conversation, and so for me this feels like desensitising the subject in all its intensity because it has become something I can briefly touch on without going super deep. And that is when the retriggering seems to happen. So maybe actually I am actually doing enough right now? Maybe I could let myself off a hard time? I strive to do everything perfectly and right and the best yet what if I am actually doing tonnes? The only other bit of this I struggle to know I am doing enough with is when I have flashbacks of the details and vivid memories of the event. Yet just the other day I realised that actually I anticipate the retriggering – I will suddenly be taken right back in my memories, to a part of the event and overdose that I had not remembered before or had remembered and thought of tonnes of times. Here, then a breath gets taken away and I begin to panic that I’m being retriggered or having a flashback. When in actual fact, what if I’m just processing? Just how you would randomly in the day remember something from your past, I remember bits of the trauma all of a sudden, pretty frequently. It does seem to be happening a lot at the moment, but they aren’t actually leaving me triggered: these memories are leaving me perhaps just processing it. Before I used jump and write it out – word for word what I was remembering. I think this really helped to desensitise but now I don’t long to do that. I just long to sit with the memory and feeling. Hold my hand to my heart and then, if I remember, use the energy it simulates (be it soft or jumpy) into a movement or something I’m doing – like a healthy distraction and use/release of the energy.

My therapist often used to say that words aren’t always the best, or necessary form of trauma release. And now I really see that to be true.

Use the energy flashbacks or memories or feelings inspire, to empower you in a task. Use it to connect you to you and ground you.

This is where I have been gravitating towards and so that is the route I am headed right now. With a balance of talking as well.

It’s an amazing thing to feel empowered and relieved when you can consciously channel the energy into a positive and strengthening release. It shows me, beneath all my angst about whether I’m doing enough, that actually I really am. It is the opposite of stuffing or ignoring, it is just not talking. Which is what is so often thought of as the only way of release. Yet connecting the body and mind is so powerful and of utmost importance in trauma release, from what I have seen and been told and am discovering. And so it is a nice thing to be realising I am doing.

Right now I don’t have wifi where I’m living and so I feel out of touch with you all. I just have my phone which makes reading and blogging and commenting, a little trickier. I will be back on the commenting wagon soon – sorry I have been a bit slack at replying but have been thinking of you all!

Big love.

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9 thoughts on “To share.

  1. it sounds like you are working through it by writing down bits and pieces as you can take it — I am learning from you, hope this process is helpful for you–you speak very intelligently about the whole matter–funny how we can do that sometimes, even when it involves us

    • Thank you so much. And to hear you are learning from me is so touching and humbling so thank you. Reassuring to hear you think I am working through it too, so thank you. It is hard to know sometimes, and it is easy to not give yourself credit for what you are doing, and rather look at the bits that you aren’t doing. But we are all different eh, and there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with stuff…are there?! Keep shining. X

  2. This is beautiful inner work you’re doing, figuring out what works for you, good for you! This made me think of a Pema Chodron quote where she talks about dropping the story lines and getting in touch with the energy underneath. I’d say you’re doing that. πŸ™‚

    • Ahh I love that quote! Thank you so much for sharing. I will take that with me, and have often thought of that since I read this reply the other day (sorry only just replying!). Thank you heaps for your reassuring words too – I am humbled and touched. Big love X

  3. Oh darling, the only way out is through. This has become my new motto.
    I am feeling the same… I have tons of traumatic memories resurfacing right now (I am in the midst of filing a police report against my family! Joy! And so every ugly memory from my past is unfolding before me, and like you, I have so so many). I am writing them but I feel the same… sometimes writing them actually hurts me. There is so much anger I don’t know what to do with it, but then at the same time I am enjoying the process and the words that are coming out. But the anger… I haven’t found a healthy way to express it yet, because the thing is, I’ve never expressed it. It has festered and grown and now it’s poison inside my system. But I do think the only way to get it out – to stop it from hurting us – is by releasing it.

    I don’t know what the answer is, but I know we have to go through the fire to get out the other side. It is the only way. It has never failed me before. But we have to be gentle with ourselves, and listen when we can’t take anymore. When it’s just all too much to handle and we need to watch a funny show, or distract ourselves from it all. Become centered, remain grounded.

    Know that you can get through this. And know you will. Listen to your light and you will.
    I am holding your heart through this.
    xxx

    • Beautiful girl, your words bring floods of tears. Tears of reassurance, relief, and just simply a whole lot of heart opening. Thank you from every inch of my being.
      The only way through, is too, my motto that I took hold of last week and have held close since.
      The anger is something that is just so so healthy to feel, and such an empowering element to the healing. But it also scares the Dickens out of us if we have not been in a safe enough place to feel it. But you are safe now – and that is why these things are surfacing. To be healed. It is 100% positive, yet it can feel 100% crap at times too.
      I hope a comfortable place for the anger to flow, comes soon. But in a way, that’s the essence of it – it’s finding the place in you that grows to be comfortable with letting the anger just let rip and release, in all its rage and fury and out-of-control type feelings. This will come – only time can bring it, and you are doing all the things to help yourself, so just let yourself trust time is working with you.
      I also really connected with your words about the need for distraction. It is something I have only just seen, in the last week or so, that I just bury and embody myself with all this stuff. Healing. Processing. Grieving… what the hell happened to pissing around? I realised I’d begun to grieve for that. And that’s when I realised that, even though a lot of the time it takes so much effort, and angst that you are burying or ignoring your emotions, I now treat myself to trash tv, a prat about or a phone call full of gibberish with a friend, or some time spent hangin’ with the trees. Remaining grounded is so so important. And actually so easy, once you find what makes you click. And there is a tonne of that out there, for all of us.

      To know that you are going through something similar breaks my heart, as I just wish that you didn’t have to, but I thank you too for going through it with such dignity and grace and sharing – it means the world to know that you understand. I wish you didn’t, but seeing as that is what life has handed you right now, I am so glad you are here.
      It’s at times like this that our friends help hold our torch, and know that I am holding yours. So much love, always xxx

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