A haze of dentistry

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The past few days, I’ve felt like something’s missing. There’s been a gap in my days. In my life. And then I realised: it’s blogging. It’s the wonder of throwing my random and ridiculous words out there.

The past 10 days have been hideous. I’ve been so flippin’ ill and quickly got out of the habit of typing up words on here because my eyes were hazed over with pain and nausea. And then I just kind of felt a bit lost and unsure where to start with my words again. It’s amazing how quick you get out of the pattern and how quick it can feel like the ease and confidence of blogging fades.

Does anyone else feel that?

My inner doubting voice was going something like this:
“if you don’t upload some posts, and blog, you’re gonna lose your followers. They’ll forget you. In this day and age, there are so many hundreds of really interesting blogs out there, you need to type something great otherwise you’ll be lost. Blah blah blah.”

I tried to let that go. I tried to give myself a break. But I couldn’t shift the urge to write. And then I couldn’t shift the insecurity of what might flow. And then I couldn’t shift or lift my writing typing fingers so I didn’t end up producing anything.

Instead I trusted I would type when the time was right. But that’s the funny thing – the time has been right. It has been so hard and I have felt so lonely and in need of compassion and kind and reassuring words – the words that always flow from blogging your shit out there. Yet I couldn’t seem to start.

I think sometimes it’s hard to put thoughts into words. And sometimes the fact that this goes ‘public’ on publishing, can add daunting edges to what could be a comforting page.

But I think that daunting aspect only grows in those silent spaces. Those times of writers block. The more the block moulds you, the more those daunting edges of the page, creep in to ripple the whole thing.

But with a brush and a blow you can let these ripples go. As soon as I’ve started typing now, I can feel I am gently kicking the shit out of those ripples. I need you in my life, blogging. I need the community. I need the unity one can so easily find. I need the easing of loneliness it so easily provides. I need you all – you lovely bunch of companions I have found along the way. I miss you.

I won’t go into detail about the last week or so. Or perhaps I will, just not right now. It’s pretty gross and graphic. It mainly involves a cocktail of teeth extractions, a jaw infection, a ‘dry socket’, a large and fat and swollen face, tonnes of anaesthetic, diazepam to calm my trauma ridden nerves, antibiotics, hideous intolerances to said antibiotics, antibiotics that didn’t work, probiotics to kick the ass of those happy-belly killing antibiotics, VITAMIN C, charcoal, a taste of rotten infected flesh seeping into my mouth constantly (this part is SO gross beyond words) SLEEP, more sleep, countless DVD’s, Gossip Girl, nurofen, more nurofen, arnica, olive leaf extract, citrocidal, nausea, more nausea, anxiety, anger, frustration, woodland walks, nights at a friends cosy home, chronic fatigue symptoms kicked up, reflexology, tears, isolation, loneliness, past trauma ridden, cosy log fires, and a shit tonne of SOUP – breakfast, lunch and dinner.

And it still isn’t over. Tomorrow I’m back to the emergency weekend dentist for a clean up of the gross hole in my gum and to get yet more antibiotics to kick the bucket for this infection. I hope to hell it works. But I’m worried to the core about the effect of all this on my poor bod. I worry sick that it will kick up the chronic fatigue. I worry that it will mean I will be ill and tired for a while. I worry that I will be like this forever. I worry for how I am going to earn money. I worry for the future. I worry for the now. I worry for the past.

I think it’s safe to say: I WORRY.

And beneath that worry, I HOPE. I hope that it will be okay. I hope that I will be okay.

And I hope that you all are okay. A big part of what’s been missing from my days is reading. There’s something so special about catching up with this cool and collected network. And I miss it. Fingers crossed we’ll get wifi soon and I can hop back on the wagon properly. Sorry for lack of comments and communication – it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I love you heaps I just don’t have flippin wifi. And the iPhone app makes it a pleasure to type but a pain to read.

Sending tonnes of love to you all.

How was your week?

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20 thoughts on “A haze of dentistry

  1. Tons of love back!! I hear you with the blogging this new website has kicked the crap out of me and i’m almost to upset to blog but yet i yern (sp?) for it at the same time. wow you have been really going through the grinder with your tooth (or lack there of) that’s brutal! I hope this up coming dentist apt. will help resolve this and you can be on the road to recovery, a quick recovery!
    don’t worry too much or that will make you sick too! i know…easier said then done!
    tons of love xo

    • Hello petal x thanks so much for this reply. Really hope you’re back in the swing of blogging but also know its so normal to feel like you did. And maybe it’s a good thing because you realise how much it helps you and how much you need it or love it when you do get back into the flow! Sorry youve had such a palava with the site but it’ll all be worth it, i promise. And it looks ace from our side! And how’s the house?
      My tooth cafuffle is still going on 😦 feel so ill – the infection still hasn’t gone and it’s leaving my neck and arm really sore from where it’s spread. More antibiotics – ugh. I hate them but determined to knock it on the head! Also, the infection leaves me SO anxious! Hideously so. I reckon that has played a large part in the intensity of emotions over the last six months.
      Hope you have a happy day mrs.
      Big love X

      • Oh my goodness your infection got really bad!! That would totally knock the wind out of you and so would heavy antibiotics! i was on them for a year some of that year being IV antibiotics after my major surgery 12 years ago. don’t be too hard on yourself, rest when you need too. i’ll say a prayer that this infection gets under control and goes away!

        I’m back to blogging and I love our house! i finished painting the kitchen this week.

        You have been absolutely amazing support even amidst your own pain, thank you!
        love love xo

      • You’re so lovely, thankyou! I can feel that prayer helping me already. I’m really hating it all being so in my head too. It really rocks the boat! But at least I’ll appreciate the clarity when it’s healed!
        Sorry to hear you had such a rough time with antibiotics from your op – what was it for? You dont have to say! πŸ™‚ it just leaves me inspired that you’re okay now and you went through all that.
        So glad you’re loving the house! xo

      • my pleasure. have you though of seeing an infection specialist, or would that take months there?! it took me seeing one to find out i never really had infection…i know however you do! they may be able to help you!
        I had my bladder removed when I was 28. I live with an ostomy now.

      • Sorry to hear you had to have your bladder removed sweetpea. But hope its complications free now. Thanks for tip about infection specialist – will see how it goes! Got faith it will be okay.
        And by the way, I love how we always have about twenty different replies on the go to each other! πŸ™‚
        Ohh, and – am going to an EMDR therapist in the morn tomor. Nerrvous!! Ahh. Thankyou for all your inspiration with EMDR. I look forward to sharing how it went, and beginning the process. Love love x x

      • thank you …wow EMDR!! It works but i won’t lie it’s not easy! good for you for going! do let me know how it went, i wonder if they will do any your first session?
        i know we do have a lot on the go but it’s fun!!

      • Thankyou heaps love. I’m so nervous! Anxious and a bit disconnected and really tired so i think thats combining into making me feel a bit dissociated and weird. I’m not good at all at showing it all (this kind of state) to anyone – I just want to be on my own! So my worst nightmare is sitting in front of a therapist in this state, so that in a way is what I am most scared of! Showing that vulnerability. And at the moment I don’t feel able to keep it hidden and that freaks me out. I’m so nervous about today, going in a couple of hours, but hoping she is professional enough to be able to hold it. Ahh. πŸ˜‰ xxx

      • I’m with you in spirit. She will know. They don’t push you and they seem to know before we do when to stop. When our minds shut down or go numb they know also how to bring us back or out of numbness with this technique. Just take one step at a time. Maybe they won’t even do EMDR with you the first time?
        I’m thinking of you! xo losta love

  2. So sorry you feel so unwell! Even writing about your writer’s block comes out beautifully! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You are doing just fine:) Feel better!

    • Ah, thank you so much love. You’re so kind – your words and reassurance means so much. Really hope this passes! It’s horrible about how all encompassing stuff like this becomes! How are you doing? Hope you’re okay. Big love X

  3. Sounds miserable! I’m so glad you’re coming out of the cloud a little. Thanks so much for sharing with us. We’re still here! Writer’s block is almost always fear, and fear is imagination, it’s dread, and the funny thing about worry and dread is the things we fear almost never happen. And the things we hope often do happen, especially when we start reaching for it.
    But its fine to pull back and rest and even to feel down when things are down. That was/is an awful lot to deal with. Just don’t forget to come back for encouragement when you’d like some. And you don’t have to read, just write or maybe look at the pictures! πŸ™‚

  4. Ouch 😦 that sounds like a recurring nightmare. Ouch. Ouch and ouch. 😦 still here still caring and wishing you well ASAP x

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