The past few days, I’ve felt like something’s missing. There’s been a gap in my days. In my life. And then I realised: it’s blogging. It’s the wonder of throwing my random and ridiculous words out there.
The past 10 days have been hideous. I’ve been so flippin’ ill and quickly got out of the habit of typing up words on here because my eyes were hazed over with pain and nausea. And then I just kind of felt a bit lost and unsure where to start with my words again. It’s amazing how quick you get out of the pattern and how quick it can feel like the ease and confidence of blogging fades.
Does anyone else feel that?
My inner doubting voice was going something like this:
“if you don’t upload some posts, and blog, you’re gonna lose your followers. They’ll forget you. In this day and age, there are so many hundreds of really interesting blogs out there, you need to type something great otherwise you’ll be lost. Blah blah blah.”
I tried to let that go. I tried to give myself a break. But I couldn’t shift the urge to write. And then I couldn’t shift the insecurity of what might flow. And then I couldn’t shift or lift my writing typing fingers so I didn’t end up producing anything.
Instead I trusted I would type when the time was right. But that’s the funny thing – the time has been right. It has been so hard and I have felt so lonely and in need of compassion and kind and reassuring words – the words that always flow from blogging your shit out there. Yet I couldn’t seem to start.
I think sometimes it’s hard to put thoughts into words. And sometimes the fact that this goes ‘public’ on publishing, can add daunting edges to what could be a comforting page.
But I think that daunting aspect only grows in those silent spaces. Those times of writers block. The more the block moulds you, the more those daunting edges of the page, creep in to ripple the whole thing.
But with a brush and a blow you can let these ripples go. As soon as I’ve started typing now, I can feel I am gently kicking the shit out of those ripples. I need you in my life, blogging. I need the community. I need the unity one can so easily find. I need the easing of loneliness it so easily provides. I need you all – you lovely bunch of companions I have found along the way. I miss you.
I won’t go into detail about the last week or so. Or perhaps I will, just not right now. It’s pretty gross and graphic. It mainly involves a cocktail of teeth extractions, a jaw infection, a ‘dry socket’, a large and fat and swollen face, tonnes of anaesthetic, diazepam to calm my trauma ridden nerves, antibiotics, hideous intolerances to said antibiotics, antibiotics that didn’t work, probiotics to kick the ass of those happy-belly killing antibiotics, VITAMIN C, charcoal, a taste of rotten infected flesh seeping into my mouth constantly (this part is SO gross beyond words) SLEEP, more sleep, countless DVD’s, Gossip Girl, nurofen, more nurofen, arnica, olive leaf extract, citrocidal, nausea, more nausea, anxiety, anger, frustration, woodland walks, nights at a friends cosy home, chronic fatigue symptoms kicked up, reflexology, tears, isolation, loneliness, past trauma ridden, cosy log fires, and a shit tonne of SOUP – breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And it still isn’t over. Tomorrow I’m back to the emergency weekend dentist for a clean up of the gross hole in my gum and to get yet more antibiotics to kick the bucket for this infection. I hope to hell it works. But I’m worried to the core about the effect of all this on my poor bod. I worry sick that it will kick up the chronic fatigue. I worry that it will mean I will be ill and tired for a while. I worry that I will be like this forever. I worry for how I am going to earn money. I worry for the future. I worry for the now. I worry for the past.
I think it’s safe to say: I WORRY.
And beneath that worry, I HOPE. I hope that it will be okay. I hope that I will be okay.
And I hope that you all are okay. A big part of what’s been missing from my days is reading. There’s something so special about catching up with this cool and collected network. And I miss it. Fingers crossed we’ll get wifi soon and I can hop back on the wagon properly. Sorry for lack of comments and communication – it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I love you heaps I just don’t have flippin wifi. And the iPhone app makes it a pleasure to type but a pain to read.
Sending tonnes of love to you all.
How was your week?