Bringing myself back to me

The past few days have been so hard. So intense. And so triggered, traumatized, dissociated and all the other PTSD lingo.

All I want to do is type out the words and share it with you all, but instead I can’t find them. I feel ‘checked out’. I need to go and spend my day up in the soil and space of the allotment. And hopefully the words will be able to come soon.

I miss you all dear readers! And I miss even more, reading your words. But know that I’m thinking of you and looking forward to being back on the blogging wagon soon. Right now I feel like all the energy I have needs to be focused inward. Not out of choice, but more out of survival.

Right now, as these words type, I feel spaced. I feel weird. I feel discombobulated and bizarre. Yet beneath this, way beneath the panic and worry this state brings, is a gentle knowing that all this is necessary in the path to healing. All this is a vital part of the life of trauma. I have just been doing my best at avoiding it quite heavily til now. I can function, I can be, I can cope, i can still find me. It just sometimes feels as though I’m the furthest from myself or the present moment I have ever been. But I’m safe, I’m okay, I’m functioning, I’m me. I hope and trust that with time and space, the trust for this process and the trust for this growth will come. When I see that I can in fact cope, I can in fact live a life alongside this strife, I will know that it is okay to feel this. And that is coming. Sometimes, in fact most of the time, life brings you bumps and ‘blips’ on your path when you least expect it and least want it. But from what I’ve seen, that’s the key – you can’t choose when they come along but you can choose how you trust that things arise when you are ready to hold them and handle them. If anything brings you reassurance of your strength and ability, that should: the universe is trusting you with this intense stuff because it believes in your strength and ability. I long to be able to take this healing process at a speed of my own choice, but it seems that is not possible.

Instead, all that can be done is to open your arms up to the sky, surrender and enjoy the ride. And if enjoyment is not something you feel able to grasp (believe me, its hard to hold that feeling close in the midst of the turmoil), instead allow yourself to allow for where you are. No judgement, no pressure for acceptance, no expectations of some shining glorified success story of feeling healed. Just allow and roll with whatever comes.

And know, this too shall pass. It really will. I feel like I’m typing this as a conversation to the inner me: the terrified girl, trying desperately to cling onto the sides as I pass through this tunnel of healing. But I also hope I can converse this to anyone else in the midst of pain and sorrow and grief and healing…we are all in this together. It just can feel like the opposite sometimes too. But knowing that is normal also, helps to heal.

All this is normal. All this is life. And life is all this: it is one weird package to say the least.

I feel like all I can do to get through the days, to bring myself back to the present, to bring myself out of the horrors i’m reliving, is to bring myself back to my core. Bring myself back to me. But I hope with time, these feelings will get easier to manage and the dissociation will not scare quite as much. And I’ll be able to back and better at keeping in touch!

As I head to the earth to let it heal and comfort and reassure and ground, know I’m thinking of you and wishing you well, and sending a tonne of love and sunshine. X