I have this fear. Quite a big one. That I’ll lose control. That I’ll go mad. Or that I’ll flip into anger that I can’t control. That I’ll lose my grip on reality and never get it back. I have this fear because I grew up watching both my mother and father have gigantic episodes of this, on a daily basis. In particular my mother: the parent I lived with.
Just now I realised this fear of loss of control comes in different shapes and sizes, wearing a different jacket each day. Today and yesterday’s jacket has been a relatively new one. It’s a jacket of anger. And man does this anger feel good to feel. It’s long overdue, and only just now am I seeing that perhaps it’s okay to feel it. Until now it’s just scared the Dickens out of me.
But just recently, it became so clear as to why this anger scared me so, and why I don’t trust these feelings won’t lead to loss of control. A loss of control into a rage that would never end. A rage that could lead me into all sorts of trouble. A rage that would end up the same way my mothers always did.
But I know this is only anxiety talking. Especially with the last statement. That fear doesn’t last for long: in this respect, I KNOW I will NOT be like my mother. In terms of the other angsts, I will only come to see this anger really is okay, and won’t mean a loss of control, with time. and with this time comes trust.
How can you trust its okay to feel angry when all you’ve ever seen is anger that’s been completely out of control, crazy, wild, manic, mad, violent and aggressive as hell. Like I said, only with time. Only with proof of your own performance. Your own life. Not that of your mothers or your fathers. Only then, as time shows you that you are not them. That you do not let rip and let loose like they did and do. Only after a bit of time with that living proof, can you really hold that candle of faith strong in your hand that you can feel these feelings safely and it’s okay. Until then you just have to hold onto that inner knowing, deep inside, below any anxiety ridden thoughts or angry hating inner words, of your soul and spirit that knows how special you are. And how safe and okay all that you feel is.
And for the record, from what I am seeing over the past couple of days, that time I’m talking about, is really not that long at all.
Love and hope. ☀