That loss of control

I have this fear. Quite a big one. That I’ll lose control. That I’ll go mad. Or that I’ll flip into anger that I can’t control. That I’ll lose my grip on reality and never get it back. I have this fear because I grew up watching both my mother and father have gigantic episodes of this, on a daily basis. In particular my mother: the parent I lived with.

Just now I realised this fear of loss of control comes in different shapes and sizes, wearing a different jacket each day. Today and yesterday’s jacket has been a relatively new one. It’s a jacket of anger. And man does this anger feel good to feel. It’s long overdue, and only just now am I seeing that perhaps it’s okay to feel it. Until now it’s just scared the Dickens out of me.

But just recently, it became so clear as to why this anger scared me so, and why I don’t trust these feelings won’t lead to loss of control. A loss of control into a rage that would never end. A rage that could lead me into all sorts of trouble. A rage that would end up the same way my mothers always did.

But I know this is only anxiety talking. Especially with the last statement. That fear doesn’t last for long: in this respect, I KNOW I will NOT be like my mother. In terms of the other angsts, I will only come to see this anger really is okay, and won’t mean a loss of control, with time. and with this time comes trust.

How can you trust its okay to feel angry when all you’ve ever seen is anger that’s been completely out of control, crazy, wild, manic, mad, violent and aggressive as hell. Like I said, only with time. Only with proof of your own performance. Your own life. Not that of your mothers or your fathers. Only then, as time shows you that you are not them. That you do not let rip and let loose like they did and do. Only after a bit of time with that living proof, can you really hold that candle of faith strong in your hand that you can feel these feelings safely and it’s okay. Until then you just have to hold onto that inner knowing, deep inside, below any anxiety ridden thoughts or angry hating inner words, of your soul and spirit that knows how special you are. And how safe and okay all that you feel is.

And for the record, from what I am seeing over the past couple of days, that time I’m talking about, is really not that long at all.

Love and hope. ☀

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5 thoughts on “That loss of control

  1. anger scares me too as i know i carry some pretty intense anger, and it’s one of the reasons i don’t know that i would have made a good mother. i would never want to do to my child what the parents did to me and i know i have it in me.

    • Sweet one, I have only just realised I haven’t replied to this comment. I am so sorry. It breaks my heart to read your words that you don’t know if you would have made a good mother. I know at the bottom of my heart, just from our communication, that you would have. If I was told that I would do any tiny spec of what my folks did to me, then I would not have kids. But it is something I am trying to let go of, and trust that I am different. I am not them. We are working on ourselves, they did not. I don’t know about yours, but it sounds like they didn’t face their demons. You are so wonderful, beautiful and so kind. Those three words in themselves, to me, mean foundations of motherhood. Even though you are not having kids, please know that I believe you have mothering love in you. But this mothering love can be used for and towards many other things and people in your life. You’re beautiful, never forget it. XXX

  2. “Security” is the keyword, and the answer will never be found “out there”. Find the activities and environments that you feel secure in and then build them up. It is in the familiar and routine that security is found. Keep away from too much new experience. List all toxic aspects in your life that are working against you, then ruthlessly eliminate them one by one, starting with the easiest.

  3. This sounds so positive it is wonderful to read. Alex’s advice is very good, you really can surround yourself only with the people and things that bring you peace and affirmation. Let go of ALL the rest.

    • Thank you heaps lovely one. Glad you found that positive to read! And to hear that confirmation of the need to surround yourself with positive people is so lovely to hear. Sometimes you need reminding. As friendships change, in this fragile time it can feel a bit disheartening but I trust that it is for a reason and different friendships will be made as the time moves on and you see what you need around you and that it’s okay. Lots of love and appreciation for you. Always here. xxx

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