It rips at the seams

Depression lingers,
In its deepest darkest form.

Shadows fall and time passes on,
The switch of no hope seems clicked for good.

No amount of time can help me see a way through,
Even flickering moments of light fail to bring peace.

These feelings so strange, so peculiar, so familiar,
To that of my days, and that of my mothers.

I long for a break, a moments space in this madness,
To catch my breath and learn to forgive myself for being in this place.

Yet there seems no day, no hour, no second, that I can catch this moment,
And let my soul bring my heart up to speed.

It cries, it screams, it sobs, it feels ripped at the seams,
My heart, mind, body and soul.

How can none of this be me, be my faulty lines?
If only I’d been different, if only I’d dealt with things better.

Yet I know that’s no truth there, back then I was hurting, I was in shock, holding only terror as my best friend.

It’s now that’s the problem.
These current days before me.

How did I come here, so screwed up and a mess?
I thought I’d just carry on living this secret hell.

The secret wounds that were ripping deep,
I thought would forever be able to stay just where I was cutting them.

Yet they couldn’t and they won’t.
These secrets are now everywhere – they’re news to me, they’re news to friends.

Is this why I’ve crumbled?
Is this how I was found?

Is this the breath of fresh air for my soul to begin finally feeling,
For all these buried treasures of pain and sorrow and tears,
Trauma and memories and hauntings,
To know be here with me, forever?

To no longer be squashed under false pretences or survival.

But why does it bring such mess and confusion,
Such anxiety, panic, paranoia and darkness.

Will this all balance out, or will the worst case scenarios all come true?

I just want to know it’s okay to feel what I feel.
I just want to know it’s not me falling off life’s wagon wheel.
I just want to know I’m perfect as I am.
I just want to know people will still love me, and that one day I can.
I just want to know that this too shall pass,
I just want to know that my strength and resilience will always last. That I can do this. I can cope.

I just want to know, that my judgements of myself, panics and fears, and hours spent convincing myself that I’m to blame for this strife, and I’m forever going to fall even further into this hole, will not mean that I will.
That, as much as it’s not preferable, all this panic and fear won’t lead me astray from the path I have ahead. A path of beauty and wisdom and soul.

But what if this path ahead is also filled to be brim in every way possible, with mental health issues, physical health issues, and continual struggle and strife, as it seems to be now?

Surely that would make me my mother?

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Love. ☀

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15 thoughts on “It rips at the seams

  1. Hi,
    I have suffered from clinical depression due to the location of a brain tumor that was undiagnosed for nearly 10 years. I wish there was a way surgeons could cut out depression they way they cut out my brain tumor. I am sorry you are so sad. I found this song encouraging, I hope you do too.
    Simple Gifts by Jewel

    I have an encouragement blog you might want to visit. You can read my personal story by going to CATEGORY and scrolling down to MY BRAIN TUMOR STORY
    http://weepingintodancing.wordpress.com/

    • Thank you so much for your reply. I am touched and humbled. I look forward to reading your story. I am sorry to hear you experienced what you did, and have done, but I am glad you are sharing it for us all to hear. Beautiful song, I haven’t heard it for ages. So thank you! Big love. X

  2. Hi summerteifi,

    Hey, those things you just want to know, I want you to know them too.
    “It’s okay to feel what you feel.
    It’s not you falling off life’s wagon wheel.
    You’re perfect as you are.
    People will still love you, and one day you can.
    This too shall pass,
    Your strength and resilience will always last. You can do this. You can cope.”

    I find strength from outside of myself. And although us humans are not ‘perfect’, (we make mistakes) I guess that by accepting that, we find we are as perfect as we can be for now. I think it’s the love that makes things ‘perfect.’ Forever is a long time. I believe there is more to forever than what we see in life here at present. So I don’t believe that the trauma and suffering will last forever. This belief helps me through.

    • Thank you so so much darling, you are lovely. Your words I will hold close, and remind myself of this when I’m in the midst of the struggle. That belief sounds like it holds you strong and safe, which leaves me glad you have that. I really do hold faith in the universe and life itself, that things do pass and that they come here to teach us what we need to learn. I just find it hard to keep sight of that sometimes. Hope you’re okay today? Tonnes of love. X

      • Yes, thank you, I’m okay too. Sometimes I lose sight of what I’m learning too. I think it’s about the silver lining in the cloud. Just because there’s a silver lining, doesn’t mean that the ominous black cloud was a nice thing. So the faith is more in the silver lining coming along, rather than in the cloud. : ) I’m glad your faith keeps you moving through the clouds.

  3. You are not your mother and it is OK, it will improve bit by bit until one day you will realise you are actually on the path you’ve been looking for. You may not know how you got there but you will see the way forward so much clearer than now. Try to take yourself physically out on a different path each day and really notice what there is to see. It can help to be in a different environment and see different things. Lots of love x

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