In its deepest darkest form.
Shadows fall and time passes on,
The switch of no hope seems clicked for good.
No amount of time can help me see a way through,
Even flickering moments of light fail to bring peace.
These feelings so strange, so peculiar, so familiar,
To that of my days, and that of my mothers.
I long for a break, a moments space in this madness,
To catch my breath and learn to forgive myself for being in this place.
Yet there seems no day, no hour, no second, that I can catch this moment,
And let my soul bring my heart up to speed.
It cries, it screams, it sobs, it feels ripped at the seams,
My heart, mind, body and soul.
How can none of this be me, be my faulty lines?
If only I’d been different, if only I’d dealt with things better.
Yet I know that’s no truth there, back then I was hurting, I was in shock, holding only terror as my best friend.
It’s now that’s the problem.
These current days before me.
How did I come here, so screwed up and a mess?
I thought I’d just carry on living this secret hell.
The secret wounds that were ripping deep,
I thought would forever be able to stay just where I was cutting them.
Yet they couldn’t and they won’t.
These secrets are now everywhere – they’re news to me, they’re news to friends.
Is this why I’ve crumbled?
Is this how I was found?
Is this the breath of fresh air for my soul to begin finally feeling,
For all these buried treasures of pain and sorrow and tears,
Trauma and memories and hauntings,
To know be here with me, forever?
To no longer be squashed under false pretences or survival.
But why does it bring such mess and confusion,
Such anxiety, panic, paranoia and darkness.
Will this all balance out, or will the worst case scenarios all come true?
I just want to know it’s okay to feel what I feel.
I just want to know it’s not me falling off life’s wagon wheel.
I just want to know I’m perfect as I am.
I just want to know people will still love me, and that one day I can.
I just want to know that this too shall pass,
I just want to know that my strength and resilience will always last. That I can do this. I can cope.
I just want to know, that my judgements of myself, panics and fears, and hours spent convincing myself that I’m to blame for this strife, and I’m forever going to fall even further into this hole, will not mean that I will.
That, as much as it’s not preferable, all this panic and fear won’t lead me astray from the path I have ahead. A path of beauty and wisdom and soul.
But what if this path ahead is also filled to be brim in every way possible, with mental health issues, physical health issues, and continual struggle and strife, as it seems to be now?
Surely that would make me my mother?