A change in the air

As I pack up my room AGAIN, I am also stopping all meds.

I have spent the last twelve days feeling so ill and swimming in a haze of nausea, burning stomach, fatigue, pain, headaches, sinusitis. Not to mention such a heightened PTSD state, it’s been hideous and terrifying. I have been determined to stick it out, as they say they make the symptoms worse to get better…but the ‘worse’ was clearly a little too worse. I have learnt that my tolerance levels are super high and have been noticing that I put up with feeling like utter crap. And this isn’t right.

I am full of fear at what will be, but as soon as the doctor said to STOP right away, I also felt relief. I really believe in listening to your body and hearing its sighs or its cries. And tonight my body sung a cry of relief whilst on the phone to him. It has been replaced with a tight knot in my stomach for the unknown. But this is inevitable. In some ways the knot is smaller than it was whilst I was on meds. I was trying so so hard to ignore, or just be with the worries of the future and what this was doing to my poor bod. But they were still there, shouting loud and clear. I have known for a while that meds were not right for me, but again – I was trying so hard to not let this instinct to be true because I was determined to give myself a break from the symptoms to enable the healing to be a touch more accessible and ‘easier’. EMDR to feel more approachable. Therapy to not feel such a trigger. And the rest. So this determination to battle on through regardless of my body’s cries, was also coated in self care, it just didn’t work out.

It feels quite a significant moment in history – I have been officially told that meds are not for me. Sure there might be a few more out there, or one of the bunch I’ve tried that I could try again someday (who knows what the future holds) but for now I have made the decision to give myself a break from them. I have had reactions that were “one in a billion”, and to the last one I was taking – “one in a zillion”. I think this gives me the hint that perhaps my bod just doesn’t agree with a shit tonne of chemicals kicking around it, no matter how much my mind could do with the break for a moment.

In many ways I think this decision feels easier, fucking hard, but still an edge of easier, because I am moving house tomorrow. I am moving away from such an unhealthy and unhappy environment, to a room and home that can be mine. It is nerve-jingling…in some ways I feel back to being a student again. Just a touch older. I will be living with folk I don’t know, and in a house that’s a bit skanky. But also really cool and incredible. AND HAS TWO CATS. It feels a weird coincidence that these two things should happen on the same day – moving and stopping meds. As much as I’m scared of the two, it can’t help but feel like a fresh new start. Something that has been needing to happen for flippin’ yonks.

I have moved around so so much the last seven months. At a time I have needed stability the most, it hasn’t been there. It just is how it has happened. It does seem to be how I roll in life – at other times when I have needed foundations, I have landed myself in scenarios in which there are the complete opposite. At times it felt desperate, but mostly I always thought I liked (and I did like) the footloose and fancy free life. But now it is changing. Just for a bit. I need a place to call my own, and I have done for a while. This place may only be until April but at least that’s a cosy start.

Who knows what will be from the meds scenario, and who knows what the PTSD will do, but all I know is that I’ve done my best at this meds game, and sure as hell kicked its butt. It just kicked mine a little harder. So for now I am going to be back to me – no numbness, no weirdness, no distancing, no body-rattling side effects…just all the glory and all the shit.

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Love.

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7 thoughts on “A change in the air

    • Thank you sweetpea, means a lot. Today I chickened out and took a pill again – I am too afraid to not give these meds a bit more of a go. I don’t know. Feeling lost and alone with it, and hoping these side effects may pass. Just then I can work with the trauma and stop the meds as soon as I can. Saying that, these side effects may well not pass so we will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it…although I thought I had already crossed it! I think I feel I need more support and info in the decision, so maybe that will come through talking with my therapist this week about it. Love to you. X

      • i totally understand, i really hope she can shed some light, docs just take you on and off these things without a thought of what it might put you through. i’m thinking of you xo

  1. hello beauty, i just saw you followed my blog and came to check your out ❤ I loved that quote from Rumi on your front page, it sums existence up perfectly, so beautiful. I felt so fully everything you wrote in this post. You are so courageous and so powerful miss! I will start reading from the beginning and i guess get to know you a little from my side of the world.
    With much love from a sister over the seas ❤
    Bex xx

    • Thank you so much beautiful thing, your words mean the world. I needed to hear those words about the courage and power today, so thank you! Really glad to have connected – your blog is wonderful and made me want to know you. Lots of love to you. Keep shining. X

  2. Moving house is hard, and stressful, and moving house a lot is long term stressful. I think in nomadic tribes it is a little different because the whole tribe moves together with all of their portable ‘village.’ They are not leaving anybody or anything behind. It all comes with.

    Once I settled in one house, it was a constant struggle *not* to move again. I listened to my father who just kept saying ‘Stay put,’ every time I started talking about moving. I stayed put to provide my kids with stability. I didn’t have that as a kid because we kept moving house. I do think it becomes a habit. It has taken 9-10 years to actually feel like I have no desire to move. I have replaced it with a desire to ‘travel,’ and come back ‘home.’ I’ve noticed that it is best to have no pets when doing this. So we are all re-considering dropping the travel-bug in favour of having animals to love and care for.

    It can be done, the shift to living in one settled, stable place. (As much as it can be stable within the world we live in). It was absolutely necessary for me to have this stability before my memories of trauma felt like they could come out, and that I was set up stable enough to deal with them. Moving takes a lot of energy, leaving none for dealing with the trauma. Dealing with trauma requires a huuuuuge amount of energy. I felt like I was always ‘running away’ from something. When I stopped, I found out what it was. Almost like an “Is it safe now? Can we come out?”

    All the best for your move summerteifi,

    Jessie.

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