Wiping your trust slate clean

The numbness, the unnatural depression, the anger, the frustration, the weirdness, the fatigue, the deep feeling of ill-health. Why do I prefer this to what I know I am actually feeling? I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel isolated, I feel on my own with it. Because, to a certain extent, I am. I am alone because no one else knows my body like I do. Professionals can tell me the world, but they can’t feel like I feel.

Last night I decided to stop the meds, on advice from the doc, but also from a feeling within my bod.

But today I chickened out and I took a pill again.

I feel trapped within a circle of hideous physical symptoms and emotional roller-coastering, coated with a thick dose of fear. Fear for each choice – each decision. Whether to stay on them or not. Whether to see that the side effects, physically, have in fact eased a touch. Will this continue?

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My PTSD state is severe. It is all encompassing and overwhelming. It makes me feel as though I cannot cope and I am left with debilitating triggering episodes on a minutely basis. It feels complex beyond complex, loaded with hundreds of events that come into play within the triggering and flashbacks. The anxiety runs riot. But the thing is…I also do not know quite how it would be without the meds as it has been a few months now.

I don’t know what to do. Do I stick these out for a week more, just to see whether this shifts and the meds begin to work? It is only day fourteen after all. And like I have been told a thousand times – at the beginning you get all the side effects and non of the benefits. Or do I quit now and give up on that slight break I was hoping for myself to make the therapy process a touch more accessible, and really focus on letting my heart grow in its ability to deal with whatever comes?

Today I went for a beautiful stomping walk across the plains of the golf course. Frosted leaves and frosted grass all around. The sun was streaming through the clouds, glistening on all that it landed upon. And it was beautiful. My inner dialogue of fear, panic, hatred, anger, uspet, despair was ever present. But so was my heart. And so was my soul.

The latter two were with me in strength and are always. I just forget it sometimes. Nature brings that back to me. Always.

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The running thread of my inner chatter was the realisation of the loss of trust that has come. This has been there ever since I flew back and landed on British soil after my overdose in California.

To try to take your own life away, and in such a spontaneous off-the-cuff way that I did it so, swipes your self-trusting and self-loving slate sparkling clean. It erodes any trace of trust crust. At first I did not trust myself to be on my own anywhere in case I did it again. This took a few months to really shift. But it did. It has. Then came the trust of any slight hint of depressive feelings, or the feelings of being unable to cope, and I would FREAK out. I would panic that it would mean that I would overdose again.

For me now, this trust is taking time to grow. I believe that is the only way trust can really come – with time. I feel it is the same with this meds situation. I do not have trust I can cope with the state I was living in, and would be living in, with my PTSD running rampant. But I have coped through the hell that the meds have put me through. And like a friend said to me, she does not think they are helping me cope at the moment. And I do believe her. I just feel that I am more comfortable with the state they are providing me with…only just. It is hell. But in some ways, maybe it’s a slight more comfortable hell than without? I won’t know until I try. If I just try for one more day, or one more week, I feel like that trust I have of myself and my need to cope without them will grow too.

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I do believe that you can know these things but they need to progress naturally and become part of you in an organic process. You can read all the self-help books you like but the difference doesn’t really come until the time is right, from my own experience. The knowledge becomes part of you when you are ready. Keep reading, keep learning, keep educating and growing, but I really see how it gets to the right moment in your life and things just go ‘click’ and you realise that you read or learnt or thought this ages ago, but it is only now that it is coming into play. And that is natural – that is called being human. Change can be known that it needs to happen for yonks but it can take yonks for it to actually happen. Sometimes it happens overnight, but sometimes it takes yonks. And both of those are okay, because you have to trust in your own ability and the universe’s ability to support you on your path. It provides you with what you need when the time is right, and your own heart and soul provides you with the strength and love you need to follow alongside this support. It just can take time for things to click into place. And this time brings trust.

So, take this example I am typing about – I can know in my heart that meds are not for. I know they are not. And I DO NOT aim to be on them for long at all. But I really need to try one last time to get a break within this crazy journey. If it doesn’t work then fine, I have tried one last time. I know myself and I know that taking meds will not define me. I know that at the route of this is a loss of trust for myself and my ability to cope within this haze of panic, depression and PTSD, but that is because it is fucking horrible. And fucking hard. And all the knowing in the world of this fact – of the fact that at the route of this it is a loss of trust in myself – does not make this trust suddenly sprout up and grow.

Only with a bit of time, nurturance and proof in the water of love for myself, can this trust really blossom.

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4 thoughts on “Wiping your trust slate clean

  1. Your photos are wonderful x the crispness was great today x I walked in the frost and fog with my little dog x it certainly clears the head x I am a great believer in the meds ~ they take time to work but once you find the right one that suits you your life is transformed. I found some useful snippets in my note book about coping with PTSD ~
    1. learn techniques for remaining in the present, not just in one’s thoughts but also one’s feelings;
    2. recognise that danger or urgency can become addictive~recognise your triggers and your reactions to them;
    3. Choose to seek wholeness instead of clinging to heartache~embrace the present moment and celebrate life, whatever that may involve today.
    You have done this already by walking in nature. You are actually doing all the right things and you are on the path to recovery, just hang on in there!! Love x Good luck x

    • Thank you so much for this love. Your reassurance about the meds means so much too – it feels really lonely with this aspect as noone around me is taking them, and it can feel really scary that I’m taking something so strong, and to do with my mind, y’know? But also, in just the few weeks I’ve been taking these, I see the WHY for taking them and that means so much. I am now seeing it as giving myself a break from the symptoms so I can work with the cause. So amongst the emotional and physical turmoil it had caused (fingers crossed it has stopped now!), I am trying to remember that it is just temporary and thousands of people take them, and they are here to help, and they’re safe and don’t leave you with long term side effects (that’s my anxiety with it!)
      Your tips with PTSD are great too! Hope you’re cosy and happy. Big love X

  2. Summerteifi, just to throw in a totally different perspective, I do not take medication and it was a conscious decision not to, and I have not ever regretted it. My eldest brother died by overdosing on his medication. I was drugged as part of my abduction and rapes. I looked up how the drugs work on the brain and I was not impressed at all. I have heard from some people how they were on it for short term and it was effective as a fill in until their short term problem in life was sorted out. Meaning that the root cause of the depression was sorted out, so they stopped the medication. The medications are not designed for long term use.

    My problem was long term and was not about to be sorted out. It has taken years. In that time I did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions, and found out alternatives to taking medication/drugs. The medical profession tried starting me on an anti-depressant while breastfeeding, and I had to express the milk at the start before feeding baby. It only took a couple of days before I was tipping them down the sink. I was told they were expensive and might as well just leave them in the packet if I wasn’t going to take them. It took one week and I had a convulsion which is one of the listed side-effects. They wanted to give me more drugs in case it was ‘epilepsy.’ I refused and brought out the fine print with all the side-effects. It is only last year I think that I was able to put a big box of paracetomol in to the cupboard. That’s pretty well the only ‘drug’ we have. It has been over 15 years since my brother overdosed. It used to freak me out having anything in the house that would be equivalent to a lethal dosage. It is definitely an issue of trusting myself, that I won’t get so down that it would cross my mind to use drugs in this way. I got through it by keeping drugs/medications out of my house. I could relax in my drug-less home. I could trust myself to set up a situation where there was no risk.

    It is hard hard work to work through the memories of trauma, and to make sense of the world, and our place in it. Hey, you’re one of the special people who have been part of my long journey of recovery from PTSD. I love that you are here with us. : )

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