The numbness, the unnatural depression, the anger, the frustration, the weirdness, the fatigue, the deep feeling of ill-health. Why do I prefer this to what I know I am actually feeling? I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel confused, I feel isolated, I feel on my own with it. Because, to a certain extent, I am. I am alone because no one else knows my body like I do. Professionals can tell me the world, but they can’t feel like I feel.
Last night I decided to stop the meds, on advice from the doc, but also from a feeling within my bod.
But today I chickened out and I took a pill again.
I feel trapped within a circle of hideous physical symptoms and emotional roller-coastering, coated with a thick dose of fear. Fear for each choice – each decision. Whether to stay on them or not. Whether to see that the side effects, physically, have in fact eased a touch. Will this continue?
My PTSD state is severe. It is all encompassing and overwhelming. It makes me feel as though I cannot cope and I am left with debilitating triggering episodes on a minutely basis. It feels complex beyond complex, loaded with hundreds of events that come into play within the triggering and flashbacks. The anxiety runs riot. But the thing is…I also do not know quite how it would be without the meds as it has been a few months now.
I don’t know what to do. Do I stick these out for a week more, just to see whether this shifts and the meds begin to work? It is only day fourteen after all. And like I have been told a thousand times – at the beginning you get all the side effects and non of the benefits. Or do I quit now and give up on that slight break I was hoping for myself to make the therapy process a touch more accessible, and really focus on letting my heart grow in its ability to deal with whatever comes?
Today I went for a beautiful stomping walk across the plains of the golf course. Frosted leaves and frosted grass all around. The sun was streaming through the clouds, glistening on all that it landed upon. And it was beautiful. My inner dialogue of fear, panic, hatred, anger, uspet, despair was ever present. But so was my heart. And so was my soul.
The latter two were with me in strength and are always. I just forget it sometimes. Nature brings that back to me. Always.
The running thread of my inner chatter was the realisation of the loss of trust that has come. This has been there ever since I flew back and landed on British soil after my overdose in California.
To try to take your own life away, and in such a spontaneous off-the-cuff way that I did it so, swipes your self-trusting and self-loving slate sparkling clean. It erodes any trace of trust crust. At first I did not trust myself to be on my own anywhere in case I did it again. This took a few months to really shift. But it did. It has. Then came the trust of any slight hint of depressive feelings, or the feelings of being unable to cope, and I would FREAK out. I would panic that it would mean that I would overdose again.
For me now, this trust is taking time to grow. I believe that is the only way trust can really come – with time. I feel it is the same with this meds situation. I do not have trust I can cope with the state I was living in, and would be living in, with my PTSD running rampant. But I have coped through the hell that the meds have put me through. And like a friend said to me, she does not think they are helping me cope at the moment. And I do believe her. I just feel that I am more comfortable with the state they are providing me with…only just. It is hell. But in some ways, maybe it’s a slight more comfortable hell than without? I won’t know until I try. If I just try for one more day, or one more week, I feel like that trust I have of myself and my need to cope without them will grow too.
I do believe that you can know these things but they need to progress naturally and become part of you in an organic process. You can read all the self-help books you like but the difference doesn’t really come until the time is right, from my own experience. The knowledge becomes part of you when you are ready. Keep reading, keep learning, keep educating and growing, but I really see how it gets to the right moment in your life and things just go ‘click’ and you realise that you read or learnt or thought this ages ago, but it is only now that it is coming into play. And that is natural – that is called being human. Change can be known that it needs to happen for yonks but it can take yonks for it to actually happen. Sometimes it happens overnight, but sometimes it takes yonks. And both of those are okay, because you have to trust in your own ability and the universe’s ability to support you on your path. It provides you with what you need when the time is right, and your own heart and soul provides you with the strength and love you need to follow alongside this support. It just can take time for things to click into place. And this time brings trust.
So, take this example I am typing about – I can know in my heart that meds are not for. I know they are not. And I DO NOT aim to be on them for long at all. But I really need to try one last time to get a break within this crazy journey. If it doesn’t work then fine, I have tried one last time. I know myself and I know that taking meds will not define me. I know that at the route of this is a loss of trust for myself and my ability to cope within this haze of panic, depression and PTSD, but that is because it is fucking horrible. And fucking hard. And all the knowing in the world of this fact – of the fact that at the route of this it is a loss of trust in myself – does not make this trust suddenly sprout up and grow.
Only with a bit of time, nurturance and proof in the water of love for myself, can this trust really blossom.