A couple of weeks ago, at the beginning of starting some new meds, I found myself in the midst of lots of anxiety spin-outs. This is what they do – these antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds always kick up the symptoms (especially anxiety) in the initial stages of taking them. That, and a whole package of other side effects. But, as I am seeing now, it is well worth riding it out. They do begin to soften.
I found that in those first couple of weeks, I would end up sat on a bench or sat by a tree wondering what on earth just happened. I often found myself laughing because to me, anxiety is hilarious. It is hideous and scary and just so so horrible, but it is also holds so much comedy in there too. Sometimes it just takes practise to be able to find it and see it, other times it just comes naturally. How can you end up in such a spin, for absolutely NO REASON? How can your mind just disappear and leave you with a bundle of chaos or a complete blank-screen, in place of where your normally rational and able mind usually is? How can you only-just hold it together, and only-just stop yourself from completely flipping out and running around in circles like your mind makes you feel like you need to do? For absolutely no apparent reason.
That is just how this kind of anxiety likes to roll, it seems.
There is almost always, 90% of the day, some kind of anxiety state kicking around for me. A lot of the time is just a general haze floating about in its consistent way. If it is more of an intense state though, it tends to always triggered. Be it by something linked to a trauma or by other kind of anxiety triggering things. Rushing, noise, SUGAR, and so on. If it is not triggered, and it just surfaces ‘naturally’, then it tends not to be a full-blown attack like I experienced for these two weeks. It will just be a blinding haze spinning around, with an element of me that is still here, in this moment in time…even if only just.
So, this is the doodle that summed this experience up for me.
My heart goes out to you if you experience these kind of anxiety attacks on a regular basis. I hope you can laugh at them wherever possible. And if not, then just let yourself a good old cry. They are both just as helpful as the other.