Staring at walls

In my last post I talk of my experience during the beginning stages of new antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds I began taking to soften the symptoms of the PTSD. I’ve begun taking these with the aim to be able to actually touch in with the trauma and ‘work’ on it, without being left spinning in a debilitating trauma state just seconds later. Since these meds have begun to work I have been able to sit and write, write, write – something I was not able to do properly before. As many of you know, this in itself is a huge breakthrough in the world of trauma-work/trauma-release. So this is really promising, and exciting.

If you read regularly, you will know I had a delightful array of side effects, and a few are very much still kicking around. One of these that only properly stuck for the first two weeks, was the comical anxiety I mention in the previous post. The other comical, and weird, side effect is expressed in this doodle below. I literally felt like I could sit and stare at a wall all day. I felt like the only way I could leave the house was to literally coach myself through the actions needed, otherwise I would have just sat there all day…staring at the wall.

I have just recently moved house, and my walls are beautiful ones but I did not want to be sat there all day staring at them. And so this coaching of myself went ahead, and I left the house and spent the day in the garden. But that lingering haze of numbness stuck around, wherever I was and whatever I was doing. I felt a step back (or ten steps back) from any place I was or any person I was with. It was so weird. It felt like my brain had taken a long nap and never woken up. Until the comical anxiety state I mention before, would kick in and then I would flip from numbness, into an oblivion of anxiety…which then would pass and the numbness would be back in its place. This rollercoaster was a running theme of those first few weeks, and was not one that you would want to pay to go on at an amusement park. In fact, it was one that I wished that I could have paid to get OFF. Or at least stopped for a refreshment break.

A small portion of this numbness is still kicking around, but definitely not quite as much. I don’t have to coach myself in getting my feet out of the door, that’s for sure. Thankfully that severity only lasted for a couple of days. I feel a slight distance away, but only a slight. And the nicest thing about this, is that I know this is normal. Everyone else taking these kinds of things experience this too, to a certain extent. In a sense this kind of side effect is reassuring too, because it shows the meds are actually working. Maybe you need to take a slight step back from the symptoms, to be able to work with the cause. See it as giving yourself a break. Or giving yourself a bridge to the next step.

This was my doodle in that moment of numbness I describe above.

photo 1-17Love.

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5 thoughts on “Staring at walls

    • Thank you sweetpea. Unfortunately I have hit a wall the past few days and have been so so ill. It’s a combination of many things, which always is the way I think, but it largely is the feeling of the Chronic Fatigue coming back, which is scary and sad. But also, if I really honour it, has been around for bloody ages. But this year it has been getting worse and worse and more unable to handle, and now it seems to be catching up with me…as is the way! How are you doing love? Big hugs xxx

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