I’m on a detox from my mother

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If ever there was to be two personalities,

This would be it:

One being me,

One being HER.

Her poison,

Her inner-outer battles

Her jealousy and hate

Of myself and my skills

Have seeped deeper than I thought.

It feels as though my mind

And my body

Has absorbed

Only that.

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It’s become a part of me:

A part I LOATHE.

When this part is most present,

My deepest judgement of myself

And my life is all I see.

If there was ever proper depression in my bones,

This would be it.

Except it’s not depression,

It’s the remnants of her

And the mark she left.

The marks her words,

Her seething fury,

Her own judgments of herself,

Her fists,

Left

On me…

In me.

It’s got these pockets of

Seemingly ever-lasting stores.

But maybe they’re just pockets

That need to be emptied.

Maybe they are having this time

Of surfacing and rising,

To be rinsed clean.

Rinsed clean

And replaced with my sole self:

The self of my soul.

Not the self of her shit

Her mess

Her fists.

The self of the being

I am growing to become.

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Growing up in a world

Of turmoil and abuse

Or peace and stability,

Or a mixture of both,

Your guidance

Your parent

Your elder,

Leaves a trace of them

For you to find later

When you’re standing on your own two feet.

Some can be good

Some can be shit

But the art of this process

Is deciphering what’s what

And sitting with what you love.

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For me

She’s the me

I cannot stand.

It’s the part that

Does my nut.

She’s the me

That thinks the worst

Of myself and my abilities,

Predicts the utmost awful

Of what’s going to happen

To me and my life,

Festers in her own fury

Depression and grump,

Shuts herself away from the world

In a hope she might be forgotten

And able to slip off this ledge

Into the life of nothing pretty

And nothing nice.

Living the life of a victim

And thriving on all the strife.

She’s the words that criticise

Abuse

And hurt.

She’s the words in my head

That sound EXACTLY like the shit

She would say to herself,

Or the shit she would throw my way.

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Profound as it is to realise

And to discover

That these thoughts in your head

Aren’t actually yours,

They’re that of your mothers,

It doesn’t stop them

Kicking up a fuss

And leaving a storm

Of fury and hate

With no extinguisher

But that of your own taste.

Your taste for freedom,

Taste for a life without

Her in the middle

Causing such a fucking fight.

A taste of a life

That the person who

Brought hell into the old one

Is nowhere to be seen

In this new time.

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When our cookie of stability crumbles,

Our inner critic does too.

When our ability to cope

Seems a distant thing of the past,

Our parts from the life we have led until now

Rise up and yell,

Only to then dwindle and be

Rinsed clean of their power and hate,

Replaced with a grounded awareness

Of all that you are

And all that you’ll become.

When she’s here it’s like poison

When she isn’t its like coming home.

In that case folks,

I will aim for the latter,

And see this time

As a Detox From My Mother.

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Love.

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8 thoughts on “I’m on a detox from my mother

  1. Knowing what a proper caring & loving mother is like, it breaks my heart that yours is so awful. Mothers are supposed to be our teachers, our nurturers, our inner voice that we can go to to recall places of beauty & warmth and emotions of love & support. To grow up without that can be catastrophic BUT I’m proud of you that you’ve realised how toxic she was for you and your cutting that thread of connection. It’s something that you certainly don’t need, and there are truly wonderful people in this world that can show you the support and love you didn’t get from her and augment that love which you’re finding for yourself. xx

    • You’re such a wise soul. These words brought tears to my eyes, thank you love. I really do believe that we can meet the needs we never had met in our childhood, with loving people around you in your later years. At 25, I am officially making that my project. Despite the crazy messed up years, I really believe there is no such thing as it screwing you up for your life to come. Sure it might add some shit you have to deal with and pain or grief you have to feel, but I see that there are people that come into your life offering you the love, unconditional love, that you never had. It’s funny, today I was saying how I really feel like I am suddenly learning all these key life lessons that many learn or get as they grow up, but with a mother who lived for abuse, this didn’t happen. But, it is now and that is something I am so grateful for.
      So much love to you, peach. I was also thinking today how glad I was that I found you on here! I feel like I’ve known your face for years. xox

    • Ah, thank you love! These kind of detoxes are so often not thought of as beautiful, yet I am slowly starting to see that actually all this vulnerability, pain and change is actually the definition of beautiful! Lots of love xx

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