Fear of Beneath



It hides beneath

A gentle fear

Stopping the relief

That I know is there.

The nugget

Of painful goodness

Wanting to Cry out,

Is having to sit

And wait instead

Whilst I battle with


And fear.


To touch in with memories –

Those that hold the feelings

Able to invite these tears,

Is too scary,

Too much,

Too deep,

Too raw.

Yet I know

It holds Freedom

Knocking at Hope’s door.

It’s like I can’t decide

Which world to be in

So I bounce

Between both.

If only I could

Find the knocker

To my chest of


To the world I know

I know live in.

The world where it is safe.

The world

Where the memories, too,

Are safe to know



These memories?

They’re the ones of the violence,

The terror,

The shame

Of being a teen

With a mother who fought







The pain grows deeper,



The more Distraction

Becomes a friend.

But when you’ve lived with it

For so long

This friend is your best one

Your go-to when it

Gets too much.

But now there is space

For these feelings

This pain

This tenderness.

When will I learn

It is safe to feel?

When will I learn

That what lies beneath

Is better than the

Angst that lies above?

When will I learn?

With time,

My heart says.

With time.

Time and forgiveness,

Self-trust and Time

Is what will heal

That fear

My dear.



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