Fear of Beneath

Pain

Lingers,

It hides beneath

A gentle fear

Stopping the relief

That I know is there.

The nugget

Of painful goodness

Wanting to Cry out,

Is having to sit

And wait instead

Whilst I battle with

Distraction

And fear.

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To touch in with memories –

Those that hold the feelings

Able to invite these tears,

Is too scary,

Too much,

Too deep,

Too raw.

Yet I know

It holds Freedom

Knocking at Hope’s door.

It’s like I can’t decide

Which world to be in

So I bounce

Between both.

If only I could

Find the knocker

To my chest of

Self-Trust,

To the world I know

I know live in.

The world where it is safe.

The world

Where the memories, too,

Are safe to know

Again.

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These memories?

They’re the ones of the violence,

The terror,

The shame

Of being a teen

With a mother who fought

Spat

Hit

Shoved

Threw

Bashed.

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The pain grows deeper,

Rawer,

Scarier

The more Distraction

Becomes a friend.

But when you’ve lived with it

For so long

This friend is your best one

Your go-to when it

Gets too much.

But now there is space

For these feelings

This pain

This tenderness.

When will I learn

It is safe to feel?

When will I learn

That what lies beneath

Is better than the

Angst that lies above?

When will I learn?

With time,

My heart says.

With time.

Time and forgiveness,

Self-trust and Time

Is what will heal

That fear

My dear.

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