Forgiveness of the person or people that have hurt you in whatever way, in your life brings about so many positives. I know this is true. I haven’t done it yet, but I know this is Fact. I can read all the literature or theories or listen to opinions that state this, and why, but for me it just makes sense. Forgiving the person/people just seems logical that it ends up being the ultimate healing thing. But, I am not there yet. And that’s okay. Because all that happens in-between the Now and the Forgiveness Spot, is so important and healing too. Even if it doesn’t always look or feel like that. It is. Right now, the thought of forgiveness makes me want to vom.
Forgiveness is going to be right round the corner at some point, waiting like an old friend. When that will be, I don’t know. But I do know deep within my heart that it will be. There are little snippets in the day or the week when I get a mini fast-forward along this healing road and see the corner forgiveness is perched at. I see it there waiting for me like a big fluffy perfect creature that is going to solve everything. That’s not exactly how it works, I realise. But, it sure does feel like someday I will have a whole lot more peace in my heart about the whole situation…situations. And I know that a big portion of this will come from turning that corner of forgiveness. But, it also will come from turning each of these crazy corners that I am turning now. It is a beautiful concoction of corners, this road of healing.
I know forgiveness won’t be a walk in the park. I can tell just because I am seeing the rest of this “working on yourself” game isn’t either, so why would that part be? But, what follows just might be. That, I am seeing is true. For every stage I am stepping on through during this time of breakdown/breakthrough/emotional shit storm, relief, clarity and love for yourself is always what follows. Even if another bucket of emotions are dumped on you face first five minutes later, there still is that stepping through the door of whatever troubles you were working through or swimming in. In those moments of realisation, tears, dance, or whatever else shifts the stagnant stuff and helps you step on through that door, it I am always left feeling the most myself I have ever felt. This, is what makes the pain, turmoil and emotional chaos worth it. You are always left with a feeling of connection to yourself that nothing else can bring you. No amount of Gin, roll-ups, or MDMA, can bring you…although all of those sure as hell do feel appealing in vast quantities sometimes.
Instead of forgiveness, anger is this month’s key player in this game. Forgiveness doesn’t feel like that fluffy perfect thing waiting round the corner. It feels like an ugly lead weight hanging round my neck that I know someday needs to be looked at. But right now it is the last thing I want to bring to the mix. I just don’t want to. And I know exactly why. Because I haven’t felt enough yet. I haven’t felt the rage, the anger, the hurt, the longing, the resentment, the bitterness, the hate, that I believe I deserve to feel. And I really do deserve to. All these years those feelings have been buried, and now they are here. And yes, they are here blindingly and I wish for them to be here in a bit of a softer way (PLEASE). But, they are here, in their dramatic face slapping, body shaking, mind tumbling, way. And I need to feel them before I can then step onto the wagon of forgiveness and take it round that corner.
I was just reading an article about forgiveness and healing anger…and it made me more angry…Defensive. Stubborn. Determined to not forgive…(yet). I hate my mother. I have all this overwhelming hatred, anger, resentment and bitterness at HER. And I deserve to feel it. Sure, it hurts like hell. It makes this whole thing really fucking painful. It makes me feel so let-down, abandoned and neglected because I am attaching to these feelings. But heck, I am a human. And that is what we do. These are things I know I need to feel to find my feet on this journey. I have them firmly beneath me, but they feel so taken over by these overwhelming emotions, and I know that I need to spend some time in these wounding feelings, rather than just sticking the plaster of attempted forgiveness on them. That is, what PTSD is after all. It is just a shed load of feelings that you never had the chance to feel at the time of the trauma – single or multiple. So, for me, this just makes sense.
No matter how determined I am to stick with this anger and other array of delightful emotions, there is always a little voice in me that perks up, reminding me that I don’t really want that. I have a moment in which I remember how much I am actually, in contradiction to all that I have said above, so looking forward to being in a place ready to forgive. Shit. I would do it now if I had more than just a 5% urge to do so. Actually, make that only a 2% urge. But the other 98% of me is needing to let this shit out, and so that is what needs to happen. And that is okay. It hurts, but it’s okay. In fact, it’s essential.
Sometimes we need to go down a more painful path to realise we want the softer, gentler, more loving one. And sometimes we just need to go down whatever path is there at our feet and do our best with what corners come.