If I tried to write a ‘health history’ I would be here all
day week. So let’s just go with what’s going on in the current moment: I’m about two months into the Paleo Diet; my chronic fatigue has kindly had a phat flare up (not that it ever really went anywhere); my body (and mind) is adjusting to being two weeks into No Antidepressants. The latter is the thing that is kicking up the most stink, and shit, is it horrible at the moment. It’s an emotional and physical rollercoaster…of the non-fun kind.
Navigating my way through this physical mayhem is something I am so used to. It’s something that I have done for years before this, relentlessly. But this is different. My ability to ‘let go’ and just let what is happening, be here, has changed. As in, I have this ability. I never did before. I used to sit there for freakin’ hours digesting the days before, jotting down the things I’d eaten or things I had done, trying to work out why my right knee aches or my stomach is aflame or my arms are as scratchy as a donkey’s ass or my whole body feels like that of a 90 year old man. I’d sit there desperately trying to work out how to help myself. Turns out, letting things go and rolling with what is, whilst keeping just a healthy awareness of external and internal effecting factors, is one of the best ways to help yourself. Not this self-help geek approach I desperately clung onto.
The Paleo diet kicks up a tonne of toxins, that begin releasing but if too many release, they just end up hanging out around your body rather than releasing like they should. The hormonal (digestive, emotional and nerve based) imbalance that withdrawing from Anti-d’s bring is HELL, and brings toxicity to the maximum load. And Chronic Fatigue brings sensitivities to an all-time high, but these sensitivities are heightened because of the drug withdrawal and the Paleo diet’s way of introducing additional toxins to the already toxic mix…so all in all, it’s a bit of a confusing circle.
It’s a circle, or a combination, that has just made me feel so overwhelmingly rough and overwhelmed at what to do because whether I eat steamed broccoli, deep fried dripping-in-oil sweet potato, chicken chicken chicken, or half a pack of butter, I feel like shit. Whatever I eat, I feel shit in a slightly different way.
Today, this feeling of toxicity – anyone who has experienced a strong detox or lives with Chronic Fatigue will get this sensation that runs riot throughout your body (and mind) – was all too consuming. After talking and reading, and more talking and reading, I realised that I was detoxing a touch too quickly. I knew this but I thought I would be able to get away with it. Reading the exact ‘why’s’ of this new Paleo eating field, showed my exactly what was happening in my bod, so I realised I needed something to balance this out:
I needed to eat some crap.
When detoxing, doing it too fast in relation to what is going on for you physically and emotionally, can have hideously strong effects. Particularly when you are a super sensitive bean. Basically, you just end up feeling so much worse than you did before. By consciously eating toxins to balance this out, it bizarrely makes all the difference.
I chose NACHOS. I ordered everything on top, and then extra everything too. I immediately regretted the cheese…hearing my tummy respond with the words ‘please no’…but I went ahead and decided I was basically ordering myself medicine so fuck it, I’ll have it all.
I’m not sure it quite works like that, but I was easily convinced at this point because all I could focus on was the mountain of guacamole, sour cream, coriander pesto, corn chips, two different types of salsa, jalapenos, and god knows what else, forming right in front of my eyes.
I imagined myself eating this in a special way, sat outside on the hill as the sun set. This was my full intention. But I opened it up before I sat on the bus for my journey home, for ‘just a peek’, and the eating began then. I didn’t make it to the hill. I didn’t even make it off the bus. I sat there, peak rush hour stuffing my face and loving every second. For ten minutes my body was pain free, my stomach was HAPPY, I was so unbelievable excited, and I felt like a ‘normal’ person. I was having such a good time I even failed to notice (or care) about the guacamole sour cream mixture that had fallen down my face, into my scarf, onto my leg and smeared itself around my arms. Weirdly enough no-one chose to sit next to me. I was secretly grateful for I feared they too would get covered in my guac mixture, or they might want to join in my feast for one.
I stepped off the bus grinning like a cheshire cat. My Treat Fix didn’t end there. On the way home I bought some CAKE. Okay, it was true hippy cake so it doesn’t really count, but in my eyes it did. It was
gluten, sugar, dairy everything free – just the way I like it. It felt like the icing on my nachos cake.
As I was walking home, this food filled half an hour began to hit me…the adrenaline of this rebellion had begun to wear off. I started to feel like shit, and am still increasingly feeling like shit, but it was so worth it.
We all need some toxic fun sometimes. Mine just happened to be in the innocent, but apparently kickass, form of nachos and cake.