For 24 years of my 25 year old life, I have thought that prioritising your needs, putting yourself first, indulging in, or just wanting, ‘materialistic’ things, is bad. Like so bad it’s always felt completely forbidden. Turns out, some of this, or perhaps a shed load of this, is absolutely essential. in life. In particular, in healing. Growing up in a household where guilt and shame was the name when it came to this (supposedly) self-centered game, meant I developed a world class ability to stuff, shove, sweep aside, any of these desires or needs.
But all this is changing. For the first time in my life I have permission to be as self-centered, shallow, selfish and materialistic as I LIKE. And this permission has finally come from myself. This is the only person that I’m truly going to listen to, or trust, after all.
I AM ‘selfish’ and ‘shallow’ and it feels great. Y’know why? Because I have this whole-hearted, compassionate and kind part that is mega big. It’s always there and it always will be. There is no way this eco-loving, nature-obsessed, holistic (NOT HIPPY) side of me is ever leaving. But, I need to feed my other needs too. I need to be a bitch, get angry, cock up, let people down, buy things just because they look nice, spend money on making my house cosy, not always give to charity, say no to people…
Is this shallow? Or is this just normal?
I fancy boys who have good style. I’m grossed out by boys who don’t. I want to spend money on nice clothes. A lot. I am loving the world of fashion. I want to vomit when anyone tries to speak ‘hippy’ or do the spiritual bypassing speak, around me. I judge people. A lot. I want to marry a
rich well earning man. I want to earn lots of money. I want to be famous. I don’t want to work a full on full-time job. I want to live in a jolly nice house. I am jealous, of everyone. People piss me off. A lot. I often wish everyone would just fuck off. I judge friends when they do something I wouldn’t. I often couldn’t give a shit about world, local, politics. I like nice cars. I want a nice car. I think a lot of the people who do humanitarian selfless work are actually really selfish they just don’t know it or know it’s okay to be it (I can say this because I did humanitarian work for quite a few years). I just want to spend my money on ME. I only want to do things for the people that I actually like. Anyone I don’t, I couldn’t care less. I only want to own Mac computer/phone equipment.
Growing up with one extreme, means that my ability to spot the norm is somewhat tainted. I end up assuming that I have fallen into the other extreme – the extreme of the shallowness and selfishness. But I have a funny feeling that a lot of those desires are what we all have, or at least most of us have. And y’know what? By giving a voice to these desires or needs, it leaves a whole lot more room for the compassionate and kind part of me that has lived such a strong life all these years. It’s time for me to get a bit of break of seeming so freakin’ perfect. Because I’m NOT. Far from it. And so is everyone else.
Life is so much freakin’ easier when I acknowledge all these parts of my personality and don’t try to shun them away out of fear or shame, believing I shouldn’t be this way. The fact is I am. The fact is, it is all these bits that make me. So by only honouring the sides that ‘look good’, I am only ever living in half of me. What happens to the other parts of me that are just-as-much there? They get to only come out when they’re wearing the ugly hat of shame. They never get to be loved. Well screw that. Stuffing these parts away out of fear or shame just means I end up living in a confusing mess, not knowing what is ‘okay’ to be, and what ‘isn’t’. The fact is, it’s all okay.
Talk about anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue. Stuffing and suppressing is one of the key ingredients for these confusing experiences. There are stuffed needs behind each of these things. And often a shed load of them too. It just makes sense it would work this way. How are you supposed to be happy and healthy and whole, when a big chunk of your being is being shunned or judged? (By yourself or your intimate others). But all these needs need is an ear that listens (ie YOURS) and a trust and knowing that it’s okay to follow through.
These things I was taught and thought were bad, I am actually now seeing are some of the healthiest things in my life right now. And they are also flippin’ fun too. We are all selfish, we are all shallow, but we are also all compassionate and kind hearted beings too. All this is there if we just let it be. If we just get to know all of it…all of ourselves.
For now I am going to revel in my selfishness and shallowness. And y’know what people? I hope you do too. Because – IT’S ALL OKAY. In fact, it’s all bloody essential to whole hearted living.