Coming Out

For years I’ve known there is a multi-story car-park load of stuff I need to talk about. I’ve known I needed to ‘break’ and crumble. I have known I need to let it all spill out, onto the floor and let it then be gently cleaned up by me, and the helping hands of others. This I have known and frequently been told. But I have also stuffed this known need, out of complete mind-numbing fear at even the thought of it. And also the idea that actually maybe I wouldn’t have to. I kinda thought I was superhuman in that way. I think back to that belief with fondness and compassion, as it was only about 3-6 months ago that it was still in play. I genuinely was trying to not do this. The ever-optimistic and confident side of me just didn’t think I would have to, believing I am/was different to everyone else in the world who has ever had to do this. And trust me, I think we all do at some point in our lives. My time just happens to be when I am twenty-freakin-five.

Gradually sharing the dark details of my story last year with close friends, before it all went tits up – the little bits of it I felt able to – was like coming out. Starting an anonymous blog (this blog) last summer, and telling the world my story, was like coming out. Then making it not-so-anonymous by beginning to share it with a few close friends was like coming out a little bit more. Seeing them ‘subscribe’ to the posts, began to make me realise I was stepping out of this comfort box a little bit more. This shit was real. And then, sharing this blog on FACEBOOK and telling all those I knew in the world, was like coming out with nothing more to hide. I couldn’t come out anymore – I was out. I am out.

And shit was it scary. And it still is. But it is/was also one of the most empowering things I have ever done. Perhaps The Most. Because by coming out to the world, I also came out to myself. It was one of the most ultimate acts of self-love I have ever done too – knowing it is time to safely show the Whole Of Me to myself, as well as the world. I was loving myself by knowing nothing needs to be secret anymore. All these lots of little bits of my being, and life – emotional needs and feelings and experiences – that I haven’t been able to look at, meet, or ever express, have hung about and festered deeply inside. (May I introduce Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Anxiety, here.). Coming out has brought the dangerous spiral of self-destruct that ran rampant for so many years – approximately since the age of ten – to an end. This is huge. For me, who was raised by The Most Self Destructive Woman On Earth, to no longer be living in my world of self-destruct – the only coping mechanism I knew – is my biggest achievement ever. I feel like I’ve won the Gold in everything at the Olympics.

There is so much more I could say on this topic, including the amount of gratitude I have for my friends, the importance of connection with yourself and the world, self love, and so on. But for now, I just want to leave it on that note above because I find myself frequently getting lost in the moment or predicting the future, that I forget how amazingly different I am to a time that really wasn’t that long ago at all.

It is so so easy to put all this pressure on ourselves, to be oh-so critical about where we are now, and how much better we ‘should’ be doing things, that we forget how fucking far we have come.

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12 thoughts on “Coming Out

  1. Brilliant post x you really have done so well x I am so glad you had the courage to be yourself and tell the world your story x Always remember “those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter!” As Dr Seuss says! You are wonderful just as you are!

    Sent by Brenda Kimmins

  2. I wanted to check on you, you commented on a post of mine a while back. From reading your post it sounds like we are going threw a similar experience of opening our selves up to show the world who we are. It is occasionally extremely painfull. And wonderfull. Keep it up. The things that happened to you are not your fault and do not define you. Your heart and your choice to open it is what defines you. : )

    • Thanks so much for this comment, and for checking up! I really am noticing more and more how healing opening up, being vulnerable when previously I would have stuffed it or made a joke, and sharing the details that I think people don’t want to hear…but now I share and talk and talk. I feel like I’m integrating all this pain that I’ve never been able to share, and that is definitely the most healing thing. Sometimes i pinch myself when I realise how I am now! Hope you feel supported. Keep up the sharing too. It’s brave and courageous to be openly vulnerable. Always here if you need. Big love x x

  3. Completely agree with what you have said here. I have only had my blog for a couple months, but the strength I have gotten from te writing and sharing has been more then I even imagined. Even when I took my page to FB…people I thought would follow my new page are not, and people I had forgotten were hidden in my friends list are following. I’ve made new friends, read new strategies and ideas, and hopefully have been able to spread just a little awareness as to what we deal with.

    I also find that each day I care less and less about what I write, and how people will react. It’s more about relating my experience and growing myself; shedding the identity that I believe others have of me. Allowing me to finally be me…even through all the pain and fog.

  4. I’m so in awe. My love, I don’t think I could ever share my blog on facebook, I’m just too afraid…. You are truely amazing keep up the good work x

    • Oh love, that means the world. Thank you lovely thing. Sometimes it’s nice to keep things as yours and not share, but other times it is so worth the jump (and tonne of freakin’) worry and share it anyway! Big big love x

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