My attribute that I am most glad of at the moment, is my sense of humour. My ability to laugh at myself and at life is something I have realised is such a big resource – one that I used to overlook. This year, however, I have begun to discover how this is such a tool, and one that I am proud of, and so grateful for. Provided the laughter is in a heart-warming, compassionate and light way, rather than a bypassing abusive kinda way, this is when it’s health in a nutshell (in my opinion).
Today is a classic example of a) how my life can be, and b) how my humour is a gift. I’ve been anticipating the year mark since the overdose happened for a while now. I just can’t help it. It was a mega big deal. It changed my life. Not only is the rational remembering, but there is also the physical remembering – the surfacing of memories, the physical symptoms that is trauma simply coming up to say hello, and then head on its way.
I thought the year mark was next week. I have next week increasingly filling with nice things – friends, theatre trips, and other stuff coming my way – but now, it turns out, the year mark is on Friday…this Friday!! As in, in two days. This is hilarious. It is like planning your 30th birthday party for one week, and then suddenly discovering your 30th birthday is actually the week before. Okay, I know I hardly turned 30 that day, but I was reborn. The me I am now, was born then. So in that sense, maybe I should throw myself a 1st Birthday Party. Except I want more than one candle on my cake. You’re all invited. Who’s in?
I had been aware of memories surfacing and feeling increasingly in need of company, love and just more company the last few days. I figured it was to do with my period that needed to hit me anytime soon. But there was something about my thoughts – the memories that were surfacing felt different to normal. It sometimes feels hard when memories of the overdose surface, to not worry and wonder whether it is suicidality back again….Instead, it is as though it is the trauma releasing. And because part of the trauma is stored in my mind, it can get a touch confusing and close for comfort as these thoughts surface to release. But there is a big big difference between remembering the details of a time that I wanted it all to end, and actually wanting it too. Trust me, it is so not the latter. It just gets a little weird and close. Beneath it all, I always know I am there, on solid ground, with a healthy distance from the memories/thoughts. Watching them like a passing, and sometimes stormy, cloud.
The way I discovered the day was actually this week, was because my therapist (from America) emailed me to arrange a time to speak this week, as she does. She then said that she knows it’s a special week this week, so if I would prefer not to speak because of plans or company, then that’s okay. I emailed back informing her that it was in fact next week, the special week. She emailed back apologising, saying her notes said it was the 19th and 20th.
And then it clicked. I looked over my way of working it out – all I knew was that it happened on a Thursday last year, around the third week in April, so I figured it would be Wednesday this year, and next week – and realised I had been completely blonde. First off, it would be Friday this year, not Wednesday, and it is this week, not next.
So here I am in my ‘special week’ and I didn’t even realise! But I think subconsciously I did. It’s funny. Incredibly funny really, because I have been spending so much time in the midst of angst and worry and fear of next week, and now it is here with me already. And, I have all these lovely things planned, but the time is actually now! I watched and am watching how anxiety is there, because of this. And heartbreak too. For today is the day that I almost did it. And this is what is weird – this is why I feel like subconsciously I knew the week was this week – because I felt like I wanted to sleep at someone’s house tonight. I wanted company, but I didn’t know why. And now I do. This time last year I sat in the dunes and almost overdosed. I then spent the rest of the night in agony and turmoil, but with a deep knowing that it was about it happen. It was one of the weirdest nights of my life.
But instead, I will go home and I will have a bath and eat some tasty food. I have asked a friend if I can sleep at hers, but she doesn’t get home til late so it might not happen. And plus she thinks I’ll be fine so I think she didn’t really feel a need. I know I will be fine, but it is simply just the company I need. And I think this is a normal kinda thing to want at times like this. Love, after all, is all we need, yo.
And y’know what else is funny, I was on my period when I overdosed. And so that is a hella lot of anxiety that I get every month when that fella comes! Although it has definitely softened as the months have gone on, since it happened. But this month I worked out on my calendar that it would fall around the time of the ‘year mark’…this made me laugh. Thanks woman bits. But then it started today, and I thought it was weird. But then I thought, hey, maybe this is the universe helping me out. One less thing to feel is the same as it was last year, during this time of this year! And now it turns out that it is here at the same time anyway!
One thing anxiety and trauma do together, is leave you reading into every little synchronicity or every little thing that is the same as it was last year, or whenever the trauma happened. There is a deep deep knowing and super strong belief that all will be well – I KNOW it is not going to happen again. But that is the rational. That is the sensible grounded me. Then there is the nutty anxiety me. She’s the one that reads into things and comes up with all these angst ridden conclusions. She’s the one that needs a whisky.
I panicked as I don’t have anything special planned for the coming few days. But then I realised I do. I have a dear friend from Aus visiting tomorrow. But what about Friday? What should I do? I want to do something special to honour the time, and be with someone who I love and feel relaxed with, and who I know will simply ‘get it’. I knew who right away. My friend maisie who lives by the sea, and who has been trying to get me to visit for the past few weeks. I’ll go and visit her. So, I text her and it’s on. My 1st Birthday Party will be happening by the hills and the ocean – couldn’t be more perfect.
And y’know what else, it feels significant too because I have been nervous about leaving the city and kipping somewhere else for a night. So this is the bridging of that fear too. A taste of even more freedom. The freedom that I have been increasingly feeling this last month.
I feel like I’m a combination of things right now. I feel a desperate need for love and people. And then I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence in my own self and my ability to just be there for me. I feel a deep anxiety around this time, for what could happen and what did happen. And then there’s the pain and the sorrow…oh, the sorrow and grief for myself back then. But then there’s the pride I’m glowing for myself. I’m scared, but there’s this bizarre trust that seems to be here more and more recently – the trust that whatever happens, I’m going to be okay. I don’t know if this is me deluded, or whether it’s the truth, but in a way I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is, it’s here. And then there’s the humour – that’s there too. I keep finding myself laughing at how this has all come about – something that was so huge and had so much anticipation around is just here. Quietly here. This brings a secret relief, weirdly, too.
Happy birthday to me.