I’m not a routine girl – hell no. I like having an element of not knowing what’s coming my way, with a good solid dose of stability and consistency in there too…I guess I like a mixture.
But today, I’m wondering whether if someone ‘up there’ could give me a schedule of my physical symptoms for the week, OR YEAR, it would be easier… and the answer is YES. Yes please. Imagine knowing just how you are going to feel so you can plan your routine or spontaneity or mixture of both, around it? How cool would that be? This throws all my theory of a love for routine out the window – this would be a planned out routine that I would love. Sure, I might hate what’s on my ‘calendar’ at times, but at least I would know it was coming.
I sit here wrapped in my duvet as the sun streams in my room, eyes weighing a tonne, nausea flooding, a headache that’s pounding its way through, a fever that is leaving me spinning with a dizziness that just wants to be sleeping but I really don’t want to…so it’s simply pure stubbornness that’s keeping me upright. And the help of four cushions and a comfy chair. I woke this morning feeling like crap but then had a few hour wave of feeling really good…and now the crap is back. But where did it come from? Why, when I was feeling so good an hour ago? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I know why…probably. Yesterday I woke up at 7am to head out with friends to a mammoth car boot, to purchase a load of things I ‘really need’. I had SUCH a nice time. But yes, perhaps that was a little too much. Perhaps I did a little too much. But for fucks sake, I’m 25 and so sometimes I’m going to live as though I am, thank you very much. Chronic fatigue, you bitch.
I can sit here and work out the whys, and try to work out what not to do next time, and work my life around this unpredictability, but to be honest it feels impossible. Because even if I take great care to not do too much, or to not eat the wrong freakin’ thing, I still get hit by these crap bits. A lot. It just seems to be how it works. I’m not suggesting I spend a week eating donuts and going to raves (although that might be nice), I’m just suggesting that I do what I have been doing more recently – dropping my health obsession a bit. For me this just means not stressing if I miss out a morning supplement…not worrying when I nibble on a flapjack at a friends instead of eating my sugar-free brazil nuts…
Yesterday I was told of a job that I would absolutely love to do. It’s so freakin’ cool. But I just don’t know whether I can. Skill based wise, I believe I can. It would be a really ace challenge and project to invest in…but what about the physical element? It is only a decision that I can make, because I am the one who knows my body. But fuck, I just want someone to give me a schedule of how I’m going to feel in the next six months, week by week, and then I can truly say yes or no. It breaks my heart that this is something I have to consider. I think I’m going to apply anyway, but I just WISH that this chronic fatigue rumbling about in my system wasn’t here. Or more that I just wish I could predict.
I wish I could gently push myself – ie. live NORMALLY, not even ‘pushing’ that much – and things be okay, I just need a few hours extra kip. Instead, the way this chronic fatigue thing works – apart from being a total bitch – is that it doesn’t just mean you need a bit of extra sleep, it means it brings you to your knees and cripples your ability to focus on anything other than not vomiting or falling over from a flu-like malaise. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
The other thing with deciding about a job such as this is the ‘stress’. This is something that I feel is so hard to articulate to those who have never experienced chronic fatigue: the way that my body just literally cannot handle added stress. I can think I can, I can desperately want to, I can do everything I can to ground and restore myself through it, but there is still an element that is out of my control. It’s the unpredictable way my body handles stress. And the unpredictable way the symptoms kick up, flare up, and run about my body like a child in a sand pit, for no apparent reason. Oh wait, there is a reason – it’s the slightest nugget of stress. The slightest lack of sleep. The slightest build up of all these things results in a whack of symptoms like I’m experiencing today.
I dream of writing Fuck You Chronic Fatigue, I’m Going To Do What I Want –and I will ALWAYS have an element of this in me because I just could never, not – but I also know that realistically that’s not how it works. (Motherfucker.)
At the moment I can afford to have afternoons that hit like this, and I can adjust my days to fit around whatever planet my body is on, but one day I hope that I won’t need to. And I hope that day comes soon.
Chronic Fatigue, you’re a total bitch.