So in about forty minutes I’ll be saying hello to 26 and adios to 25.
This evening I announced to a friend that I had decided I hate birthdays. She told me that was unfortunate timing seeing as mine is tomorrow. Then, about five minutes ago, I realised I don’t hate birthdays at all. I absolutely love them and I always have. They’re special. They’re the marking of a chapter. They’re the movement from the old into the brand spanking new. They’re a shift when sometimes you need it the most. They’re a moment in time when you get to sit back and honour your wisdom and growth you’ve gained over the twelve months previous. They’re a time when you are flooded with love that you can let flow in and hold and cherish for the year to come.
So I don’t hate birthdays, I just feel really sad about this one. There feels like a lot of sorrow attached to this one. There feels like a real need for love and friendship around and because of my handbag biking superman over the handlebars episode yesterday, my trip to my beloved coast has been postponed until tomorrow. So I sit here on my own, teary and reflective and realising that I really do love these times of the year. In this sadness is a lot of relief. Relief that this year is OVER. Relief that I am still on my way to finding me, just me, away from the complicated and fucked up family. Relief that things are beginning to ease, or at least the ease is in the sense that things are healing and it’s becoming clearer as to what is happenin’ rather than just a big foggy hazy mess of panic and pain. Now it’s happenin’…the healing’s happenin’. It always has been really, I just am letting it now.
Teary eyed, I realise these tears hold a love for myself that has never been there before. A love that doesn’t need anyone else. These tears fall because I’m finally giving myself the love I have craved and desperately searched for, for so so long. This marks a birthday too. This birth of this love has been coming for a while now, and I can officially say it is here and is ever growing.
So I thought, for about two hours, that I hated birthdays and actually now I realise that is a load of bollocks. And I feel like anyone else who says they hate birthdays, actually beneath it all, just don’t know that they deserve the time and focus and effort. Or they don’t deserve the fuss-making – from themselves or from others. Or there’s underlying family shit that’s left them scarred for birthdays. That’s just my theory.
I’ve been dreading this birthday because of the connection with my family that birthdays always bring. The sorrow and loss, with this one being the strongest I thought it would be because of the nature of my lack of connection with them. But weirdly, it brings that up, but it brings it up in a way I can manage. It brings it up in Grief. Well, who knows what tomorrow will bring emotions wise. What I do now know it will bring is a knowing that it is safe to let this love that is about to flow my way, right into my heart. It’s safe for me to love me and let others to also. That defense against this birthday was a fear of feeling the love. But that ain’t no fun, and isn’t where I really want to be. I was just pretending to be tough and not give a shit. This pretence never lasts long with me…it’s just not how I roll no matter how hard I try sometimes.
Part of me feels relieved 25 is over – thank fuck for that, I want to say. But actually I hold a lot of love for this mental crazy horrible and turmoil filled year, because with it has brought so much healing too. So much laying the foundations of lessons I was about to learn. So much pain that I never ever thought would end and now I see has, and so now I know this will always be. So much turmoil that I now know I can do, and get through, anything. So many big changes to lay more foundations of my relationship with myself, my friends, my family.
That’s all the philosophical type I’ve got energy for, for now. I’ve been feeling so sorry for myself all day because of my bike crash episode yesterday. I’m in so much pain, it’s a bit of a bitch. Apart from the odd twenty mins here and there, and a drink down the road with a friend, I’ve been in bed all day. So for the last eight minutes of my 25 year old self, I am going to do what 25 has taught me to do so well: I am going to look after myself and say goodnight to you all.
Twenty-five, I’ve loved you, I’ve hated you, I’ve cursed at you, I’ve thanked you, I’ve wondered what the hell I did to deserve you, I’ve noticed the luck you’ve brought with you, I’ve seen the lessons you’ve been here to bring and tried to embrace them all, I’ve longed for you to take a bit of a break, and most of all – I’ve wondered what I would have done without you.
By the time I’ve finished this post, it’s just hit midnight. I am officially 26. I couldn’t help but just think ‘jackpot’ and found a big grin just come upon my face. I made it. As posts full of love from friends are coming in on facebook, I realise again how I do actually really love these days.
What a freakin’ year.