I’ve realised when I’m sleepy and exhausted, it’s the worst time to review ‘what the hell I’m doing with life’, yet it seems – at the moment – to be my favourite flippin’ time to do it. The last few days I literally have felt like I’ve been run over by a truck. So. Bloody. Tired. This is definitely post-EMDR and post-Superman-Bike-Crash tiredness because it’s a different kind of tired. Chronic Fatigue kinda tiredness is a painful groggy haze. Post-EMDR tiredness feels real. Not saying CF isn’t, it’s just the CF tiredness doesn’t ever feel clean – it’s a deep fatigue. It feels like you’re swimming through tar, dragging a truck behind you. No amount of sleep eases it. No amount of rest. But exertion just makes you feel like total shit, or it’s actually impossible, so you rest with the hope that the fatigue will ease…it generally doesn’t until it decides to on its own accord, but resting is all you can do…and hoping, too. This kinda post-EMDR tiredness is different to that CF stuff – it is just pure exhaustion and it feels that way too. I’ve slept SO much the last few days it’s unreal. But weird sleep – not really the refreshing kind, more like dozy-trippy-half-dreaming-half-awake kinda sleep. And if I’m not sleeping, I’ve been sleep walking around so most of the time I’ve been horizontal at least.
With this sleepiness comes a consistent self talking chatter that’s been running the whole flippin’ time. That’s how I know this tiredness is different – it’s like the tiredness when you’ve been to an all night rave and the following couple of days you have to work and all you can do is drag yourself through the days with coffees and cold water face splashes. Except the all night rave was an intense EMDR session and the days of work are days of holiday in my favourite place of all time.
When I’m sleepy like this, I have this outlook on my road ahead as though it’s just destined for failure, constant lethargy, Turning Out Like My Mother, and never quite reaching my potential. Even when I’m lying in bed full of Chronic Fatigue, fatigue, I know (most of the time) that this is a passing phase, that this is a time in my life when I’m healing, that this won’t be forever… Yet when it’s this kind of exhaustion from my EMDR rave, it’s like the exhaustion speaks. It continually talks to me and stops me letting go of these worries about my life ahead, and just resting. Y’know when you have night terrors? When you’re lying in bed, awake in the middle of the night, worrying about every little detail, every part of your life…storytelling and future tripping and just lying there in a pit of anxiety? Well it’s like in this haze of EMDR sleepiness, I’m on one long Night Terror Bender and it’s hard to find myself beneath it. This is the bit I don’t like – if I could find myself, even if just in short moments, it wouldn’t be so bad. But I feel like ‘myself’ has gone on holiday too, and been overtaken by the fatigue.
Lots of things are unsettled. I’m moving in two and a half weeks, and I don’t know where. Well, I have said yes to a place that is far from perfect and am waiting to hear from two girls I am hoping to move in with. I’m three hours away from where I could be house hunting, but that home just feels so unsafe because of my mother finding my address. So I’m here for a bit – home and safe. All I want and long for is to create a home, so so badly, and so I’m hoping this seemingly desperate need will be filled, but feeling uncertain it will just yet. So maybe it’s a combination…it kinda always is.
It’s time for another river swim. YES. I’ll let the worries fall into the chilly water and let the disconcerting fear about my road ahead, be caught and held by the leaves of the trees. For even in these moments when I long for someone to show me the way and tell me everything is going to be okay, there is a part of me that knows I’ll find it and I’ll work it out…I just need a little support along the way.