I went to see my herbalist today – she’s so rad. It’s amazing when after so long of looking, trying, attempting…things do click into place. She’s ‘on it’. She’s taken my health into her hands and letting me let go. Until now I have been on it. Now it’s her turn. This is healing beyond words. For so long I have needed to have control, to keep the notes, to watch what’s happening from day to day or hour to hour. But now I can hand it over…let it go. Of course, I am aware and conscious to what’s happening and that is something we all need to be, but there’s a balance. There’s a balance of healthy awareness and overwhelming or obsessive awareness that both come from not enough support, or more importantly – not the right support.
Healing happens in so many ways. Words are just one element of the mix. There’s the nourishment that comes from movement, food, self-care, love, fun, connection, distraction/focus on your passions. As I dealt with the morocco trauma last EMDR session, I have noticed how with something like that – for me – I realise that actually the healing doesn’t necessarily come from sitting down and talking about it. In a way, this just lays the foundations. The buildings of healing that build themselves strong, and form a protective shell around you, come through all the other stuff too. I’ve been craving people, love, friendships, this week and now I realise why. That feeling of safety and that feeling of love is one of the most healing things out there. I have a felt a deep sense of unhappiness about the lack of Sofa Time happening in my life at the moment. I met up with an old friend, who’s more like a sister, yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other in at least 8 months, which is so freakin’ long. When we sat next to each and hugged, I welled up and could have burst into tears. It took all my might to keep the tears in and I almost ran out of the tipi we were in, to the toilets outside to sob. I didn’t. Instead I stayed there and just let the pain come in a wave and get shoved back down again.
It was a pain that was from a lacking, a longing, a missing. I miss that – I miss family like friends around me. I miss sitting on a sofa knitting and watching telly, or snuggling up in a bed and talking until 2am, or just lying in bed and rolling over and reading our books back to back until we drift off to sleep. I miss this closeness with friends. My old home town, where I have just got back from visiting, is the epitome of this for me. That’s what those friends do. Here we are so close but we don’t have so much of the snuggles. Snuggles are important. Maybe I need to initiate some.
It’s so amazing since working on Morocco, there has been a freedom in my body that has come. And there has been an inkling of awareness to the fact that someday soon it will just be something that happened to me. It won’t hold the charge or the disgustingness or the terror…and it is SO almost there, I can feel it. I feel like beneath it are layers of healing that kind of overwhelm me, but I see that even through this slight snippet of healing that has happened the last two weeks, the empowerment and connection in myself that has come is mega. So that is worth it, for sure.
In session today with my herbalist, we spoke of my sleeping. Which we often do seeing as it’s a bit of a bitch. It has been for a while – it’s the first thing to go, as she says. Well I’m not sure where the hell it went but I hope it’s having a jolly good time on its holiday. I sleep, but I go to bed late, midnight ish, and wake early, 7am ish. I am an early bird, we all know that is how I roll, but I am an early night bird too – I am certainly not an owl, although I feel like I’m becoming one recently. Anyways, to cut a long story short, it turns out I need to buy some curtains…I love not having any. Our windows are mega massive and when I moved in there was a shonky half-curtain with a safety pinned extra bit of fabric to the bottom…it looked shit. So I took it down and love the big wide window and the fresh light coming in in the morning. But I don’t like that I am not getting enough sleep. So maybe this is (one of) the answer (s). That and this healing game that is happening. I have a feeling (that has been there for a long while), and so does my rad herbalist, that all this physical palaver that is happening and has been happening for a long while, is so so down to all the trauma. I mean, it just makes sense. On paper and in my head. It was a nice pat of reassurance to hear my herbalist confirm this today.
Maybe in my new house, I’ll invest in some proper good cosy thick-ass curtains, and I’ll turn into a morning Robin rather than a groggy night owl. That’ll be nice.