It’s a funny old time at the moment and I am still climbing onto the wagon of making myself write despite whatever else is going on in daily life. I realised that the days I need to write the most are the days when I often don’t. Journal wise, I’m always scribbling since I wrote this post and realised how much I need it, but there’s something different – and just as needed – about writing on here too.
On a side note, my brain feels fried. It feels knackered and spaced and like it’s lying sideways in a ditch after one too many vodkas and an hours too much sunshine. I had EMDR today and it was such a confusing session. I was in a mood – PMfreakinS – and was not holding back at all…well maybe a little bit, but for me I wasn’t. This is new for me, big time. Like, even with therapists I haven’t given away my full reaction or shown my ‘true colours’. Maybe they can blatantly see these colours no matter what attempt I’m making to keep them schtum, but I mean this in the sense that I haven’t ever ‘lost it’ with a therapist.
About two months ago I started to share anger with my American therapist and I think this was the beginning of this uncovering palaver. For ever, I’ve always had part of me hidden. I’ve always had ‘control’ over how I appear, how I react, what I seem like, which bit of my personality I disclose…it’s an art that I perfected from the age of Zero in a way of coping with what was going on at home. If I controlled every single aspect of my being, every single aspect of my personality so as not to cause trouble or make anything an inch worse. It never made a blind bit of bloody difference but I was never going to give up trying…and I didn’t, and I carried this on into my adulthood when it wasn’t needed. But, I didn’t know any other way.
But recently I’ve noticed a shift in this. I’ve started to not be able to keep myself perfectly together so much…I’ve noticed bits of my personality seeping out to other people that previously I would never have wanted, or needed, to let hang out. Now it feels like I’m on its way to it all hanging out and I can’t bloody stop it. But I have an inkling that this needs to happen in order for me to reign it all in and get to know it, learn to love it, and learn which gritty bits I need to tidy up. It just makes sense. I don’t feel like I could ‘work with’ my anger when I haven’t let it out. I don’t feel like I could truly get to know myself socially and learn which bits work and which bits don’t so much, without letting it all hang out and be there for a bit. I think this is just a phase of me getting to know it all, but it kinda freaks me out – but also kinda warms the cockles of my heart – because I feel like the world is getting to see the whole of me whether I like it or not. Fuck.
I’ve started almost (note the almost) snapping at people. Sure they are mainly bus drivers or train conductors and for some reason they just piss me off, and are so often grumpy right backatcha, but previously I would have held whatever reaction I was experiencing, deep inside and just let a seemingly Fine face look back at them. Now though, they get what I really think – whether it’s a look or an opinion. I have learnt to stand my ground. But sometimes I stand on extra ground that doesn’t really need to be stood on, just because.
I do really think this is healing though, I just hope I have friends (and therapists) left at the end of it. In my head it is way worse than actually it probably is. Actually, I know this is true because I’ve had various bits of feedback and continue to that despite how I feel, I know that I am never really that different to the Me all my friends know.
Socially I am completely open and I rarely find myself worrying about what I am saying, and just come out and say it. I just say what I think and share what I want to. I don’t sit there worrying about saying the right thing – I just say what springs to mind, and when I’m tired I don’t say much at all. The only worrying I do is afterwards when I wonder whether I was in fact a massive weirdo. Normally I would have always been hyper-aware, CONSTANTLY, about how I was, how I was coming across, whether I was including everyone, whether I was being interesting, whether I was being nice, whether I was being funny but not too funny, whether I was being annoying, whether I was being weird. Now I just am me, without all that shit. I just worry that without all the worrying I will end up being a loudly spoken blabbermouth billy no mates. But, I kinda doubt that will happen. In fact, the opposite will happen and is happening – I am forming new friendships where I am truly myself and don’t worry about how I am around the friends, and old friendships are just getting better because I am feeling truly seen and known. As I notice friends are still there, I notice that actually I am beginning to believe that maybe the Me – and the whole of me that is starting to all hang out – is loveable after all.
This is such a mega change, and one that I just have to trust. Like the rest I guess too, but this feels one of those changes where the proof is in the pudding. When, after a year of this hangin’ out, people are still there, I will know it is safe to be me…completely me. All the nitty gritty snappy bits that I don’t love yet, are safe to be seen…even if they are a pain in the arse sometimes.
Do you remember a time when you realised your social worries had fallen away and you were starting to ‘let it all hang out’?