There is something they don’t tell you about this healing business: you can know a whole bunch of stuff about self-care, self-love, release, resourcing, the art of therapy, etc, but knowing it and needing it is not the same as wanting it. I’m talking really truly wanting it – with almost every part of your being (we will never ever want total health with every part, because that is just how us weird humans work.)
I remember when I had the first bout of chronic fatigue a few years back, and I realised then that you have to want to get better, to get better. This might sound obvious but it isn’t when you’re ‘in it’…it takes a while to get there, to the point of realising this and then to get to the point of wanting. And, I am completely aware that this could bring judgment – and why shouldn’t it, really? – from people that haven’t been in that position…”WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU WANT TO GET BETTER, MAN?” Tell me about it.
But, it’s not as simple as that. And, you can think you want to get better, but then a month or a year down the line you realise you so didn’t…you so weren’t ready yet. There’s a mixture of wanting it, and being ready, too. This is where the lines blur. For me anyways. I’m yet to truly be bothered to de-blur them, but there is something to do with the deep running need to be fragile, needy, restful, for a while…filling gaps from childhood and allowing time to heal the crazy stress before I fill it with my chosen stress, yo. To me this just makes sense, and I know it does to a lot of others – many professionals included – too. When these needs have been met and my body has had a proper rest, and my mind too, those parts of me will want health also. See – the want runs subconsciously too…it’s not just a case of desire, although this definitely plays a part too and something that keeps the flame of life and the desire to thrive, burning. Along with this flame and this desire, there are those unmet needs and it’s a case of when they have been met and have softened or fallen away, that there will then be gaps that want to be filled with life, love, adventure…health. That flame keeps your spirit alive – not that it ever really would stop, but perhaps the flame just makes the spirit feel more alive.
Make sense? Possibly/probably not…it only just does to me. Articulating it is a bitch. And my brain still feels EMDR-fried.
Something I have begun to notice recently is that this want is coming, and is pretty much here. It hasn’t been til now. Or at least it has been but not as deeply as now. I’ve often thought it has, but then I noticed it wasn’t really. And maybe that’s how it goes – over these last few years, I’ve ebbed and flowed between the want and the fear and then the want and the fear, and now they feel like they’re living paradoxically. And I’m letting them.
Of course I’ve wanted it before now, but I’m talking the true WANTING I mention above. I’ve craved it, I’ve sobbed about not having it, I’ve wanted to give my left leg for fucking emotional and physical ease, but there’s been part of me that hasn’t been ready and hasn’t wanted it, and that part has been buckling me at the knees. But, this part comes from trauma and a lifelong knowing of nothing else, so why the hell would I suddenly dive into a trust and a desire to have things differently…and more easy? Time is definitely the only thing that heals this…time and proof that this kind of way of life is in fact the way forward. And, most of all – it’s safe.
There was plenty more I was going to type about this but I need to go check out a bed for my new room. I think I’m moving in there, although I am still deciding between it and another place, but one of the places is unfurnished so if I do end up going there – which I have a feeling I will – I need to go get me some furniture.
Happy Sunday. What are you doing for yours?