When things feel messy

I’ve been doing EMDR for about two months, or so. It’s been on the cards for a long time previous but I definitely believe, as with everything else, that therapy happens at the right time. This right time came when I happened upon a woman who doesn’t follow the clinical kinda guidelines vibe that every other EMDR therapist I spoke to, just oozed out. Even though this lady isn’t perfect – not even bloody therapists are perfect, apparently – she feels so much more relaxed and so open to my new found bossy-ness of what works and what doesn’t. In fact, she welcomes it.

Three sessions ago we worked on Morocco. Then today we did a little bit more. I spoke about it as we worked on it the first time but I didn’t this time…I simply just said, “saved the worst til last”. The first time we worked with it I can’t even explain the relief I felt as I walked out of the door and up the road. I got home and just sobbed, as you can read about here. I felt FREEDOM. Freedom in my body that I think I have never felt before, and never realised I didn’t have. I hadn’t realised that that trauma had literally been running my days, every single moment of the day…in every way possible, that trauma was there. Haunting, reminding, warning, and bringing fear in obvious ways and the not-so.

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That shock/relief of this newfound freedom is still very much there, but the honeymoon period dwindled and was replaced with new dimensions of the trauma. Once I shift one block of ‘stuff’, it shifts another load around it but then once the dust has settled from that load of bricks shifted, the bricks beneath this layer surfaces. This layer of bricks then needs to be taken into the following session, which is what I did today. My brain went there, despite the fact it was right at the end of the session and I didn’t even think I wanted/needed to anymore. But jackpot – there it was. The terror, the haunting memories, the abuse, the violation, the intrusion to my soul.

It scares me so much that what happened to me, happened. I was raped, I was attacked, I was in the middle of nowhere, I could have died, my innocence was taken away, my physical body and my soul was intruded. I got home today and I just felt overwhelmed and like I needed to crumble and have a whole other breakdown just for this. I think this trauma is beginning to surface to be healed (OBVIOUSLY), and be spoken about it. But fuck, I haven’t hardly done any of that, and y’know what? I don’t bloody want to. I want to be free of traumas, I want to just deal with the ones that have been really up – not the ones that have been buried for all this time. They can stay buried.

But they can’t…that’s the trouble now, but also the blessing therapists would argue. I feel overwhelmed when I even think of how much I have to talk about, but maybe talking isn’t always the way. Maybe writing is my voice. I felt that really clearly in the session and it was yet another inspiration for myself as to why I need and want to go down this typing route.

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It terrifies me how calm this trauma is becoming and how it is something that I am slowly knowing I can share, think about in order to release, express, and ultimately, heal. This thing that is actually an incredibly big deal, is something that I have been determined to not look at properly. And actually haven’t been able to because it would have brought me to my knees, emotionally and physically. But it’s different now. I can use the trauma to empower me, and that is incredible. And it just seems to be happening naturally. Something so disgusting, so invasive, so hideous, so terrifying, can actually be something that brings empowerment, connection with my body and others who’ve experienced similar, and a strength and fire that would never have been there before.

This fire brings a protection and a feisty-ness that I am beginning to love. Sometimes the fire and the feist burns so bright and rages so loud I wonder whether I’m going to burn the house down with my vibrant rage inside, but I never do and it never does come out in that way. It comes out with a deep feeling of protection instead. And the odd swear word too.

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3 thoughts on “When things feel messy

  1. Brilliant post ~ yes you really can and should write a book about all you have learned. Your posts are so good they could all be put together ~ I am sure they would help a lot of people.

    • You are so lovely – thank you. It really means a lot to hear that from you about my posts. I am in the process of the early stages of initiating work with my cartoons and I would love to incorporate this with my writing to help inform, inspire and simply release for me, too. I am in the process of looking for publications to write for, and I hope that I find somewhere that it works for! xx

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