I love looking on my blog for the google searches that have brought people there. It always warms the cockles of my heart to know that my words have helped in some way. Or if they haven’t actually helped, then they’ve at least been found! Sometimes my heart breaks a little to read the searches that all link in with the painful shitty topics I speak about on here, like the “better off alone – feeling shame after my overdose” search that I found the other day. I am always always touched and honoured that it takes people to the pieces I write though, and just gives me more
Today though, one of the searches made me laugh out loud:
“My friend says she has cfs but she’s just lazy”
To which the Googler then found this post.
This search just cracked me up (in a whole hearted way). In a way there are too many words that would just take away from the point I was sharing it, because in a way, the search itself is enough. It sums up one entire chunk of the chronic fatigue experience. And it summarises the relationship and the judgements I have always bloody had on myself, and I have found other people to have too, with cfs. I’d forgotten about this for a bit so I think that’s why I can just feel a whole load of humour around this, because let’s face it – it’s pretty fucking funny, the whole saga of chronic fatigue. The way that we can just look so super healthy and actually feel like we’re dying inside. Heartbreakingly hilarious.
Chronic fatigue isn’t the headlines news of my days at the moment (THAT’S AMAZING!) like it has been for these last long months. The fatigue I’m experiencing is mostly all EMDR related at the moment, with just a coating of the chronic fatigue, and so any judgement I used to have about my supposed ‘laziness’ is completely kicked out of the shop and instead it’s filled with shelves of compassion and space and allowing for it to be here. And frustration, but that’s just a given. So when I read this, it just made me smile as I remember all the complex shit chronic fatigue brings, but also it made me smile at just how much we don’t understand about people’s situations. How this world is so fucking confusing and hilarious because of that. Yeah it can be so painful, but it does always make me laugh that we literally have no clue what’s going on for other people yet we can get so wrapped up in our own judgements, theories, opinions, worries, blah blah blah. Even if we’re wrapping ourselves up in whatever it is, with the aim of helping, it still is just none of our freakin’ business. Our business is our business and the rest is everyone else’s.
Even if this persons friend is lazy, that’s her business. I’m guessing she’s not, she’s got chronic fatigue, but even if she was, she still would deserve love and friendship. And if this person doesn’t wanna give it to her, then that’s cool – that bit of her friends business clearly doesn’t work for her. And that’s normal too – none of us can be into everyone else’s business, just like its impossible (or its a miracle) if we walk into a shop and like EVERY SINGLE item of clothing.
The way I’m using the word business, is the way Byron Katie uses it. That woman did my bloody NUT in, but I did like the way she spoke about ‘business’, yo.
This search fills my face with a smile and fills my heart with warmth, and it fills my head with a buzz of words I wanna say. But I’ll leave it at that because I have a fondness to rambling.