Hating therapists

I’ve been working with my therapist for a year and a half now. She’s rad. She is everything I used to dream of finding or having support-wise, as a person, when I was a teen and in my early adult years. But now I fucking hate her. I been ebbing and flowing between the love and the hate for a while but now the hate is here in its entirity. It’s SO confusing. It’s all healing healing healing blah blah blah, but it fucking sucks. This woman that I have seen as my fundamental support line in this crazy year, is now someone I blindingly hate. She’s someone I loathe yet crave, want to kill yet don’t want to stop talking once we do start in our evening sessions. And at a time when I am feeling so like an island in this, I mean deeply within myself, I know I’m not really an island. Noone is. But she helped me feel like someone was with me in this, we were in it together. And now I feel like I’ve shut the door in her face because I hate her guts, and because she’s doing/done EVERYTHING WRONG.

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Last night a couple of things clicked, as those ah-ha moments do so well. I realised the little things that I am learning about relationships. In my eyes, this is the whole point of long term therapy with the same person. And, the fact that I’m at the point where I voice whatever the fuck is going on for me in regards to my feelings towards her. This  is still shifting, and I STILL hang up from our call (we do skype-therapy) with a million things I wish I’d said. A million responses I wish I’d given instead of fucking agreeing or saying yes or nodding or saying sorry. Last night I sat down and scribbled out about 10734 pages worth of what I wanted to say to her, the minute I pressed ‘hang up’.

When we speak, I literally read into Every. Single. tone of voice of hers, body language, shift in her feelings towards me. In a nutshell, I am hypervigilant every fucking second of the call. And only recently have I started to voice this with her, because it literally was altering everything I was saying or thinking and I would end up in a whirlwind maze of mind reading, which never helps anyone. I just realise this is all I’ve known how to do to protect myself as a kid. Obviously, as I have been voicing all my hatred, anger and frustration, I have noticed her energy shift and change. In general and just in the call. I read into this as a hatred towards me, and a wish that she didn’t have me as a client.

Last night I voiced this. I was in the process of about to have a good cry behind a pillow (something I have never done) and because I said no to a suggestion of hers, I thought I had pissed her off. This worry wanted to take me away from my own experience, and into hers. I fought this urge, and I stayed with mine, because she simply said ‘this isn’t about my experience, it’s about yours’. To put it like that, just made the ‘clicks’, click, after the call and they still are today.

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It doesn’t matter what she thinks. It doesn’t matter whether she hates me or loves me or thinks I’m cool or thinks I’m a twat, that is her experience. My own is mine. Her experience is her business, my experience is my business. And she’s here as a therapist to support me, and countless times she has told me she loves me and cares for me, I just don’t motherfucking completely believe it, do I? It’s mighty empowering and I think potentially mega powerful, to have realised this, because I notice that I spend so much of my week thinking of her, thinking of what she’d think, wondering what she does think…and fundamentally, I am looking to her as a bloody mother. I hate to type that and it fucks me off that that’s where its at, but it is and it’s a well known thing that this happens (and it’s mega good that it happens) with people and their therapists.

It’s painful, it’s mega confusing, it’s bloody bizarre, it’s quite all encompassing, but I think it is all healing. It just sucks a bit along the way. But for the first time in my life I am getting to be a teenager. I am getting to be a moody little child. And I am getting to voice it all. This, is where the healing begins and ends, and is happening for me. I just wish everything could go back to being nicey-nice. But it turns out nice isn’t where the healing happens. With therapists or with anyone. The goodness is in the whole package – the shit, the love, the hate, the beauty, the frustration, the appreciation, the respect, the awe….and the anger.

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10 thoughts on “Hating therapists

    • Ah, that means so much! Thank you. I think there’s a niggle inside that knows this is the case, it just hurts like a bitch and at a time when support is what I want, its painful that the support I have doesn’t feel as solid and cosy! But it’s so nice to hear from someone, and for it to reaffirm what I think I know already inside. I’d love to hear your journey with it. Big love x

    • Hi love, I just am coming back to this as I’m finding it SO SO hard at the moment, with my therapist and i thought you might understand a bit.

      my defensive mechanism is to dump her, and i have told her this and she encourages listening to defence mechanisms (and i agree) but it’s more like just begin to take breaks, and not see her every week…become independent a bit, and listen to the fire inside, and sack her off like i so desperately want to (not completely, but almost/a bit), but i am finding the transition so incredibly painful and emotionally fucking weird – i literally havent felt this ‘fucked up’ (which i’m not, for the record, i just FEEL it) in a long long time. when you were going through the phase of hating your therapist or whatever, was it so fucking confusing and painful and weird and did it make you feel a bit mental…?! 😉 because we speak online and there is a lot there between us (long story) i know that things are different…if we met in person it would be a slightly different story, although probably not actually. this would definitely still be here.
      i desperately need her and love her yet i blindingly hate her too and desperately cannot handle speaking with her because of what it brings up…i need to listen to this need to strike out into the world and listen to this strength of mine that’s brewing and has suddenly bursts open, definitely, but i also am finding it so so hard to know what to do to keep coping with this emotional transition i think. and for once, i dont feel like i can turn to her because that’s the whole point!
      i’m struggling and would just love some soothing words 😦 big love x

      • I think that the fact you are taking little independence breaks is good; you dont ever want to feel so dependent on a therapist that you love and need her…but that you feel that isnt wrong….embrace the fact that you can love and need someone outside yourself. But start looking at what she provides you, how can you provide that for yourself? And maybe look at if she is fulfilling a maternal need for you that you didnt have while you were taking care of your mom. See it for what it is, recognize it, appreciate it, understand it and then let it go 🙂 Love and Light lady.

      • Thanks love. I have been told that we all fall in love with our therapist at some point – that’s not what’s happened but I definitely know she’s taken on a strong strong mothering role. She’s become the mothering self nurturing voice in my head and has been the first and the most consistent source of mothering inspiration so it’s only natural (she said) that she’d become a bit of the part of me (the subpersonality) that nurtures myself, because there was noone there to help shape that before and no therapy setting in which to do it. It’s so fucking painful and I really don’t know whether its healing, but I know that the potential there is so great, I just wish I could see the clarity or the light. I’m always so worried about making things worse yet I know deep inside that I’ll find my way, I always do. Ive noticed this last week that I’m becoming more independent with the love I give myself, less dependent on her and more ‘fuck it’…I think I see little signs of healthy independence coming. I know I’ll get to the point of being able to trust my defence mechanisms or my need and desire for taking breaks when I trust myself more and my ability to really be there for myself on this new level – even deeper than I have done before – and be able to support myself with people around me as well as her, but right now it’s so confusing and painful, I still am going to talk to her this week…I just am finding it so hard to handle the way this is effecting me emotionally, yet i kinda see that there is inner strength coming from it…i THINK. I hope, actually. I’ve felt flippin’ bonkers emotionally. And it’s the completely torn feeling between desperately needing her as the support she once was and then really seeing how its so changed and I feel in the middle of a transition, I just wish that I could feel she was with me on it too…and that I wanted her on it too! Ugh. It’s in a way, how my life has been recently – me healing and going one way and then feeling so conflicted and torn between old ways and old needs or old ways of being. It’s painful but I just hope that I’ll continue to find my way.
        Big reply! I needed that. How’re you?
        Big love x

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