I’ve been working with my therapist for a year and a half now. She’s rad. She is everything I used to dream of finding or having support-wise, as a person, when I was a teen and in my early adult years. But now I fucking hate her. I been ebbing and flowing between the love and the hate for a while but now the hate is here in its entirity. It’s SO confusing. It’s all healing healing healing blah blah blah, but it fucking sucks. This woman that I have seen as my fundamental support line in this crazy year, is now someone I blindingly hate. She’s someone I loathe yet crave, want to kill yet don’t want to stop talking once we do start in our evening sessions. And at a time when I am feeling so like an island in this, I mean deeply within myself, I know I’m not really an island. Noone is. But she helped me feel like someone was with me in this, we were in it together. And now I feel like I’ve shut the door in her face because I hate her guts, and because she’s doing/done EVERYTHING WRONG.
Last night a couple of things clicked, as those ah-ha moments do so well. I realised the little things that I am learning about relationships. In my eyes, this is the whole point of long term therapy with the same person. And, the fact that I’m at the point where I voice whatever the fuck is going on for me in regards to my feelings towards her. This is still shifting, and I STILL hang up from our call (we do skype-therapy) with a million things I wish I’d said. A million responses I wish I’d given instead of fucking agreeing or saying yes or nodding or saying sorry. Last night I sat down and scribbled out about 10734 pages worth of what I wanted to say to her, the minute I pressed ‘hang up’.
When we speak, I literally read into Every. Single. tone of voice of hers, body language, shift in her feelings towards me. In a nutshell, I am hypervigilant every fucking second of the call. And only recently have I started to voice this with her, because it literally was altering everything I was saying or thinking and I would end up in a whirlwind maze of mind reading, which never helps anyone. I just realise this is all I’ve known how to do to protect myself as a kid. Obviously, as I have been voicing all my hatred, anger and frustration, I have noticed her energy shift and change. In general and just in the call. I read into this as a hatred towards me, and a wish that she didn’t have me as a client.
Last night I voiced this. I was in the process of about to have a good cry behind a pillow (something I have never done) and because I said no to a suggestion of hers, I thought I had pissed her off. This worry wanted to take me away from my own experience, and into hers. I fought this urge, and I stayed with mine, because she simply said ‘this isn’t about my experience, it’s about yours’. To put it like that, just made the ‘clicks’, click, after the call and they still are today.
It doesn’t matter what she thinks. It doesn’t matter whether she hates me or loves me or thinks I’m cool or thinks I’m a twat, that is her experience. My own is mine. Her experience is her business, my experience is my business. And she’s here as a therapist to support me, and countless times she has told me she loves me and cares for me, I just don’t motherfucking completely believe it, do I? It’s mighty empowering and I think potentially mega powerful, to have realised this, because I notice that I spend so much of my week thinking of her, thinking of what she’d think, wondering what she does think…and fundamentally, I am looking to her as a bloody mother. I hate to type that and it fucks me off that that’s where its at, but it is and it’s a well known thing that this happens (and it’s mega good that it happens) with people and their therapists.
It’s painful, it’s mega confusing, it’s bloody bizarre, it’s quite all encompassing, but I think it is all healing. It just sucks a bit along the way. But for the first time in my life I am getting to be a teenager. I am getting to be a moody little child. And I am getting to voice it all. This, is where the healing begins and ends, and is happening for me. I just wish everything could go back to being nicey-nice. But it turns out nice isn’t where the healing happens. With therapists or with anyone. The goodness is in the whole package – the shit, the love, the hate, the beauty, the frustration, the appreciation, the respect, the awe….and the anger.