Another person’s tears

On Monday I went to see my craniosacral therapist. I’ve known her from family festivals and camps since I was a kid, and have been seeing her as a cranio on/off the last year. Sometimes I was seeing her every week, but more recently it has been every two months, or when I feel like it.

All I’ve got time for are these three short para’s as I’m flippin’ knackered, but one of the most touching things happened in our session and I just had to share. It’s not even quite sunk in yet, as these things don’t with me, and I keep having it go round my mind. Each time it does, my heart opens a little wider.

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As I was lying on the couch, she was doing her wonder work, we were talking as we always do. About half an hour in she started crying. She was all teary because of how much I am healing. She just was full of emotion at how much I have bounded forward since she last saw me. This meant more than I could digest at the time, and it’s still digesting now. But I cried a bit then, and she did some more too. We had this moment that was so bloody touching I didn’t know what to do with myself. I could literally feel wounds beginning to heal. I could feel my heart repair itself, and this is what happens when I think of it now. The grief, the lack of parenting, the abandonment, all getting a dose of healing when things like this happen. This last year I’ve had so many moments where I’ve said “that was one of the most touching things ever”, and they always have been. I have this treasure chest of love nuggets and random moments or gestures that have touched me beyond anything I could ever have imagined.

And y’know what’s funny? (okay, now it’s four paragraphs, and it’ll probably be more) It’s that it doesn’t take much to move me this way. Like, it’s the small things…the gestures, the things that people do that they might not even realise and it just touches me and makes me feel loved, appreciated, supported, and the rest of the lovely stuff. But this just feels so fucking beautiful it moves me to tears just typing this. The fact that someone loves me enough to tear up at my healing. The fact that I have someone (and I have others too) to notice my healing. The fact that this desperate longing to have a mum to share this journey with, is actually being met by the beautiful folk in my life, who love me despite me wondering how or why, or whether they do.

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I remember the first time my therapist in America got all teary, in our second session. It was the most love and kindness and support i’d ever experienced and I didn’t know what to do with it…so I looked the other way. It took me about a week to digest this and really realise that she had cried the tears for my younger self back then. The one in the story I was telling. I couldn’t quite understand how or why someone would shed tears for me…but it turns out people do. People do, when they love you. When they cry with me or for me, it’s one of the most beautiful and healing things I could ever experience. And it gives me permission to cry too. One of the other most healing things out there too.

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