There’s an anger…an anger that’s dark, and sticky, and messy, and definitely not fluffy around the edges. In fact it’s anything but. It feels like it has a spiky edge around it like those places where barbed wire tops the edges of the wall. The wire spikes in and it spikes out. It weaves around the anger cloud like a protective but destructive entity.
The anger feels like a cloud I step into through the therapy I am doing. It feels like something I am getting to know. Something that is so fucking painful, confusing, SO multi-layered, and running just so deep to such old childhood stuff. And, it feels like I am only tip toeing into it. It’s like a cloud that comes down, swamps and submerges me with the raindrops, the floods, the thunder, the lightning, the crazy football-sized hail landing on me…sometimes this all feels like a mish mash. A weird old emotional storm, leaving any inch of clarity seemingly on vacation. But other times, like this week, it’s felt so so clear. Well, clearer than normal, with a healthy (and fucking confusing) dose of the mish mash haze. There have been the moments when the anger feels so clear, I can feel where the hail stones or the raindrops have come from. I can feel that I want to throw a shard of lightning in someone’s face so clearly, rather than a mixed up bag thunder, fog, and lightning in there somewhere. Now it feels cleaner. Like what I feel is clearer. This has gotta be EMDR. The way that my feelings and emotions, and the split between triggers and me right now, are becoming clearer. My emotional weather system is feeling better forecasted, even if I only know the thunder and rainstorm is happening when I get caught out in it, without my wellingtons. “You are the sky, everything else is the weather” as Pema Chodron says. I guess I’m feeling more like the sky.
But this anger cloud is a bitch because it feels so confusing as an entity. Even more so perhaps as the different parts of it are becoming clearer. I can step in and out of it depending on the triggers or the trauma work I’m doing. I become submerged in whatever storms hit, but not all the time. So it’s been mega up this week because of emdr and work with my other therapist, combined. But it’s been horrible. It’s been so motherfucking painful, like I have never felt before. I have literally felt as though I am going to snap and have never ever cried this much in my life.
I feel so lost with the whole therapy journey. I know I have all this anger from my life that needs to be worked through, with a therapist. Anger that is all linked with proper deep trauma. And stuff that I know is at the root cause of my ptsd. It needs to be processed and dumped out onto someone I trust, only to sift and heal it. Or just let it be dumped into the floor of the therapy room and seemingly onto the therapist’s face. But I’m knackered. I saw my herbalist today and she gave me the permission, that I think I’ve been needing to hear, to take a break from the intense therapy I’ve been doing…she was just suggesting it and saying it sounded just so intense and no fucking wonder my body is knackered and wired, and I feel so out of whack.
I feel so torn because at the moment all the anger is here for my therapist I work with on Skype, but the fact we do computer sessions just doesn’t quite cut it for this. But, we have a really good relationship and I – until this week – have thought the world of her. And hated her guts, but that’s just a therapy given. Because of this I don’t want to do this anger work with her…because I care about her. And because it’s so motherfucking painful, because I care about her so much. I wish I didn’t. I wanna say that if I didn’t, then I would do the work, because it feels more painful the fact that I have such a strong and deep relationship with her….but I realise that actually with the other couple of therapists I have tried here, and just for a little bit, but built a nice connection, I haven’t wanted to do it with them because I don’t know them, they don’t know me, they don’t know that I’m not just an angry bitch. I realise that this therapist does know that, so I feel more comfortable it being here. It’s just so painful. And it does feel like too much, but it feels necessary.
I want to take ‘rain checks’ from the anger, but I don’t know if you can work through it this way? Like, if I become completely enveloped by the cloud, will I come out the other side? Or will I stay spinning in foggy hazy thundery spiky lightning shit? I don’t know whether you can ‘work on this stuff’ slowly, nibbling away at each little bit of the cloud slowly. Whether you can take your time with it, and do it in stages. Or whether because I’m tip toeing, I need to dive right into the middle and go through it whilst it’s here and ‘up’, because the minute I step outta or away from the cloud, I lose the benefits and I suppress the vitality energy and feisty fire, and become depressed and riddled with chronic fatigue. But maybe it’s a slow process of getting to the point where I feel comfortable to dive right into the cloud and move through to the other side? Maybe I am still learning to trust myself in this process. Trust my own capabilities of holding stuff. Maybe as I my trust for myself continues to grow, I will know it is safe to fuck my therapist off and dump all this shit on her face and ride on through to the other side of the cloud, with her by my side, but with a distance that sings health. Not a desperate longing need for her love and acceptance and liking, that I have now. Maybe as that starts to soften – with her and with everyone – and my trust with myself and my fire, gently comes, so will this journey.
I motherfucking hope so, because right now I feel bloody lost.