Roller-coasters and text book living

We all live with emotional triggers. We all live with the dipping up and down and around this roller-coaster of emotions every day. I believe our entire emotional experience effective of our surroundings a little bit. And maybe health is when our inner landscape is so vast and steady, and our love for ourselves too, that no roller-coaster -our own or someone elses can rock it up.

There are the those people whose every day roller-coasters are pretty average – not too high, not too low, not too bumpy, not too bendy (the kind that if it was at an amusement park you’d think was shit). In other words, not so sensitive. Their emotional triggers are subtle, with only the odd big bump or big bend in their roller-coaster. Then there are the other kind of roller-coasters – the kind that you’d stand in a queue at an amusement park for hours, just to get a go on.

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Wahey! PTSD is one of those roller-coasters. That means folks, that we are fucking cool. This kind of inner roller-coaster rarely appears outwards – for me anyway. Sometimes it’s dramatic – like I can be rolling along smoothly and then hit a big bump or bend or wobble because of a big trigger. But most of the time it’s just my emotions subtly changing, my clarity and confidence subtly nose diving… In other words, I’m super sensitive at the moment. My inner triggers are so mighty finely tuned that I often don’t notice it’s happened, when it’s the subtle stuff, and because a lot of the dramatic triggers are healing (EMDR) it is the more emotionally triggers that I notice being a lot more delicately ‘up’.

Today I just noticed a trigger that is so delicate and fine tuned, yet when it kicks in it’s so efficient and taking me on my own nose dive. So it was nice to really see it kick in today and me be able to catch it and get on here and write about it, before I ran away with the story.

One of my triggers is the lack of family and my aloneness. And then all my theories/stories about what that means – for example, “I’m screwed…There’s something wrong with me…I’m a loser…I’m unloveable…I’m not deserving of family or people who love me in my life…friends don’t love me as much as they love other friends.” and then I circle back round to the “somethings wrong with me” theory. blah blah blah. What a load of bullshit.

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It’s not a trigger that is often dramatically up anymore – for a long time it was, big styley – instead it sneaks in on special occasions, like Sundays. I spent a couple of hours with good friends in the mega-heat-wave and I remembered that when I hang out with these guys this trigger comes up. It’s partly because they are all in couples and so I ALWAYS feel like I am the One On My Own (which, technically I am) and so there’s something wrong with me (which there isn’t). But I also think it’s because they are, in a sense, like extended family. They’re the longest friends I’ve had here. I don’t see them a super frequent amount anymore but they are all bloody lush and we’ve been through it together and they’ve been there for me in mega ways.

But as we packed up I got all teary. And when I got home I felt so incredibly sad…I think it’s because I just really feel like I need good solid family-like friends and that gap feels like its staring at me at the moment. Especially with the changing around of therapists and the feeling of loss that’s so fucking present right now…and something that I don’t feel I’ve given proper tears or attention to.

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No matter how many people or how many conversations I have in my life, I just think this is a gap that is rawly and gapingly open at the moment…it’s kinda like a wound that is just gonna be raw for a while, but that has begun to definitely heal as I have begun to love myself…and I know it won’t properly heal until I soothe it with the creation of My Own Family. (I NEED A BOYFRIEND FIRST.)

It was just funny, in a ha-ha sense but also in a heart warming sense (once I’d clocked on to what was happening), to watch myself drop into all the old dialogue of feeling so desperately alone and like there is something wrong and like I am screwed, because I don’t have a family and everyone else in my life does. That because it is just me in the world, I can’t be lovable and that my friends don’t really love me…and even if they do, friends love isn’t enough…blah blah blah again. It’s just that it hits me when I hang out with these folk. These folk who seem so together, in the unity sense. It just hits me like a fist in the chest and wakes me up again to the fact that I have no family…I really am just me. Shit, how was I going along thinking this was okay? Yes I have friends, but in a text book sense, this isn’t family. But fuck text books. I never liked using them at school so why should I use them now? All this self judgment comes down to the thing of being normal. Whatever the hell that is. It’s the judgment that my way of living isn’t the classic, family in your life, thing. But, there ain’t no bloody text book for living and there ain’t no bloody normal way of having no or all of your family in your life.

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And isn’t it kinda always just you? Even if you do have a family, you still have the feeling of being alone…right? That even if you have someone there by your side, in sickness and in health, or as just a nice crush, you still are – to a certain extent – in it on your own? Please say you are. I just prefer knowing that this feeling isn’t so alien, because I have a feeling it isn’t.

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7 thoughts on “Roller-coasters and text book living

  1. Good piece, and I completely am able to relate. I recall a birthday party at a close friend’s house, I stayed there long after everyone else had left, into the early hours of the morning, because I didn’t want to go back to my empty house alone. I eventually left when I thought I was outstaying my welcome (I wasn’t, but that’s another story).

    Some of my friends are in unbeliveably watertight relationships. Together since high school and still just perfect for each other. Others have been married, divorced, found someone else and been happy for years. And then there’s me.

    I comfort myself with the fact that all of my heroes were loners and drifters. But then I remember that even they eventually found people to be with. And there’s less chance for adventure in the middle of the UK than there is in the Wild West, or in Space, or any of the other settings which I read about to escape.

    • Hey, just realised I never replied to this. I SO connected with that story! And the feeling/thought of outstaying my welcome – gosh I know that only too well, and then the finding out that it was a load of bollocks and I never was. I don’t do it so much anymore, I don’t think. The worrying, that is. Or maybe I just listen to myself and go before it gets to that point, regardless of what I think about them.

      I take comfort in the fact I’m a taurus – I know they are people who only have one or two solid relationships. They’re loyal. And I take comfort in seeing all my other taurus-friends who have done just that – stayed with one or two their whole life. Haven’t always had someone, as such. I also dream about living somewhere where there’s more chance of adventure, people that are ‘me’…ie. California. It still pains me to not be there, and it still pains me/confuses me that I live in the UK still! But, I’m only 26 and so much can change. I’ve never thought I would spend my adult life here, and I kinda think that’s true. I know this lifestyle just isn’t fully me. Even if I were living by the coast, there is just something about the UK that doesn’t gel for me. I’ve always felt like a fish outta water here, and as a teen always said that I’d live somewhere foreign. I didn’t realise but when I was about 18, I realised that I had never thought of myself/pictured myself settling down here. What about you? x

      • Well I haven’t really had the opportunity to get out of the UK for any length of time, but I’ve never felt like I belong in any of the towns or cities I’ve lived in. I think this is a beautiful country, but the people (spiritually at least) are ugly. So yeah I’d like to get out of here, but I’ve no idea where I’d like to go. Probably not America. Land of the free it ain’t. Maybe Germany (my ancestral home), or Sweden. Or France. But of course I don’t speak the language so there’s a barrier right from the outset. I also have a job which I love right now. It just bothers me that I have to come home to the dead zone. But I guess the job is the only thing tying me to this place.

  2. You are right x we are all alone at our core and that is not a bad thing. The fact that you opened your piece by acknowledging that we all experience an emotional roller coaster shows how far you have travelled in your healing journey. When we are deeply depressed or mentally ill we can only see the world from our own perspective ~ it is only when we are sane and well that we can see that everyone has their ups and downs.
    Well done x
    Oh and by the way you will find your matching other half one day and create your own family unit whatever form that takes. I met mine when I was in my 40s and married when I was 50!
    Your family can be whatever you make it and because you have so much love to give it will be beautiful. Its worth the weait believe me x x x

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