When the sea of fault & shame is wavin’ about

So there’s a theory that’s been running riot over this end, this week, and has gone for a jog on my inner treadmill, and sprinted away with story. It’s meant I’ve ended up withdrawing. Well, withdrawing the bits of information or the sides of myself I so desperately wanted to share…instead I end up sharing the other bits – daily life, my joker side, my good friend I’m-there-for-you side. I reach out but then start talking about something else or only touch on the subject I wanna touch on but then shame and judgement and this theory takes off on the treadmill and I change subject, or never even touch not the subject.

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The theory? Well, it’s more of a belief, I guess. It’s the belief that everything that’s happened to me is my fault. That the reason I don’t have family in my life is because of me. Both of both these theories marry up and have given birth to this (very old and stagnant) belief that I’m not worthy of love or support…that something’s wrong with me…that I’m unloveable…that I need to withdraw, keep quiet, only share the pretty, sunny, smiley bits, because I don’t deserve to share the rest. I don’t deserve to be seen because what people will see is the side that has done wrong, the side that is worthy of all the hideous shit that happened to me growing up and in my adult life…the side that was so hated by my mum…

This is huge to really let this insecurity be heard and seen and have words, but what a load of blah blah blah. There’s no way that shit is true. As much as a big chunk of me believes it – because why on earth wouldn’t I, I’ve got SO much ‘proof’ this theory is true. But then there’s the other part of that is growing and beginning to get a voice…beginning to be heard. And what it has to say is this: THAT BELIEF IS A LOAD OF TOSH. It seems to be the part of me that is bringing these old theories and stagnant beliefs to the surface in order for them to heal. It’s the part of me that is growing and finding my identity away from the trauma identity that I have known for oh-so many years. This is the part of me that is becoming stronger and will be the part of me that kicks all these inner critics in the nuts and has a gentle and compassionate, or badass, talk with the beliefs that are lingering – one by one – and show them what is actually the truth. Not the messed up truth that has been inherited with/from the trauma. Trauma isn’t truth – the incidents might be but not the shit that follows.

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Okay, I know this isn’t surfing but it’s the only surfing – land surfing – I get to do right now.

Noticing these beliefs, this one mega fat belief that I’m not worthy and that I’m unloveable is definitely the key to healing it. Noticing noticing noticing. Sometimes – a lot actually – I notice I slip and fall onto the wave of belief, surfing the Believing Surfboard, along with my critics. But other times, like right now, I get on a different surfboard – the Noticing Surfboard – and hold compassion for myself as I ride alongside the Belief Surfboard and the characters chatting away on it. I just watch it and don’t slip into the withdrawal I so desperately long to do. Because, I am beginning to realise, with all this surfing, that actually none of it was my fault. I don’t believe it yet but I do trust the people that have told me it isn’t…and so that means they aren’t lying…so that means it is true.

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7 thoughts on “When the sea of fault & shame is wavin’ about

  1. Those people are not lying. No way. You are reaching out your hand to touch and heal yourself, the younger you that hurts and the older you that wonders. Belief will follow. Peace too.x

  2. I’ve accepted, after decades, that some part of me will always believe the same things about myself that you talk about. “It was all my fault, I’m not worthy of love,” bullshit bullshit bullshit…

    Nowadays, when I feel these things, I try to peek out from behind these thoughts and try to understand why I’ve resorted to them. Am I angry? Afraid? Do I need some peace and quiet? Etc.

    But to say “it’s all my fault” is to assign power to yourself you never had. If it could be your fault, then you could also have saved the day. But can a child help an adult? No. But to believe in it being your fault means you were consoling yourself by believing you had power but had failed in the use of it. This is, at the time, much less crazy-making than believing that no one’s in charge.

    Sadly, it also causes no end of heart ache and loneliness. You will prevail–

  3. The longer I live the more I find that this feeling of unworthiness (which feels so isolating and particular to who you are) is actually a big, shared experience. I know it’s true in my life. Even for people who can’t trace back why they feel this way… The deep-seeded belief of Unloveableness remains. It’s illogical but it’s there. I think you’re really on the right track, simply noticing and paying attention to the things you tell yourself. Maybe you can “become the silent observer of your mind” the way Ekhart Tolle describes. You have a beautiful spirit. Keep on swimming, girl…

    • Ah, thank you. I’m a big fan of noticing rather than trying to change it or end up swimming around in a pool of self judgement and criticism. It’s completely changed how I am with myself and I think brings more gentleness and compassion, and humour too.
      To know this kinda feeling is a shared one regardless of family or no family or boyfriend or no boyfriend, is healing. Or at least just comforting. And I think something that grows with age.
      How’re you doing?

      • I’m okay. I’m still sick (why do I always say this first?), but I’m adjusting. I’m trying to make some plans, regardless of everything I can’t control. A friend reminded me the other day, “You can’t will something into nonexistence.” So, instead, I am trying to focus on the things that I can control. Have been looking into going to graduate school online… Who knows. Hope you are getting through your days and still finding things to be joyful about 🙂

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