Sometimes I catch myself and wonder what on earth happened to the person I knew a year or two, or three, ago. Sometimes I feel a stranger to myself, other times I feel the closest to myself I’ve ever been. And other times I realise, actually I haven’t changed that much: I’m still me.
One thing I know is this change and growth is necessary. It’s painful, it’s confusing, and I miss the person I knew back then, but I certainly don’t miss the isolating shit that came with it.
It’s easy to catch yourself in times of growth and change (or maybe just the WHOLE of your twenties?) and a) only remember the good bits of how you used to be and give yourself a right old hard freakin time about not being that anymore, or b) come up with a bunch of elaborate stories about how you’re falling off the wagon for good, and how your life is screwed, and how you’ve well and truly lost the shining person you used to be.
Well, I’m hoping that’s a load of bollocks. Although I do do a) and b) frequently. I’m also pretty convinced this is something all twenty-something’s do, whether you’re in the midst of healing your whole entire life or whether you’re trying your best to live your life you’ve got, right now. And, I’m pretty convinced that often none of us see ourselves just how shiningly as everyone else does. Maybe we don’t ever end up changing that much? Maybe the feeling that we’ve ‘lost ourselves’ is mostly in our jam-packed worry-filled noggin? And maybe as we do change and grow, the person we’re becoming is even healthier and wholehearted than the person we were before, so maybe it’s not so bad after all?
Maybe maybe maybe. I dunno. I ain’t no genius, I’m just hopin’ all these maybe’s are Word.