Hello me?

Sometimes I catch myself and wonder what on earth happened to the person I knew a year or two, or three, ago. Sometimes I feel a stranger to myself, other times I feel the closest to myself I’ve ever been. And other times I realise, actually I haven’t changed that much: I’m still me.

One thing I know is this change and growth is necessary. It’s painful, it’s confusing, and I miss the person I knew back then, but I certainly don’t miss the isolating shit that came with it.

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It’s easy to catch yourself in times of growth and change (or maybe just the WHOLE of your twenties?) and a) only remember the good bits of how you used to be and give yourself a right old hard freakin time about not being that anymore, or b) come up with a bunch of elaborate stories about how you’re falling off the wagon for good, and how your life is screwed, and how you’ve well and truly lost the shining person you used to be.

Well, I’m hoping that’s a load of bollocks. Although I do do a) and b) frequently. I’m also pretty convinced this is something all twenty-something’s do, whether you’re in the midst of healing your whole entire life or whether you’re trying your best to live your life you’ve got, right now. And, I’m pretty convinced that often none of us see ourselves just how shiningly as everyone else does. Maybe we don’t ever end up changing that much? Maybe the feeling that we’ve ‘lost ourselves’ is mostly in our jam-packed worry-filled noggin? And maybe as we do change and grow, the person we’re becoming is even healthier and wholehearted than the person we were before, so maybe it’s not so bad after all?

Maybe maybe maybe. I dunno. I ain’t no genius, I’m just hopin’ all these maybe’s are Word.

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One thought on “Hello me?

  1. I don’t think the “change” goes away, as you say it’s a necessary part of continual development, but you gradually get better at managing that change, understanding and evaluating it. I mean that’s from my own experience at least. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who try their hardest to remain the same person they were at 15 their whole lives (see “The World’s End” for a caricature of these people).

    I mean think back to when you were a teenager. If you were anything like me (which admittedly, not many people were), then it was a confusing time awash with alternating feelings of utter inadequacy and total invincibility. I still get that now in my thirties (albeit to a lesser extent), but I’m better able to deal with it, regulate it if you will. There’s certain situations where you can let go and let the instincts take over (for me it’s losing myself in dancing, or crying at sad films [yeah, yeah I know]). But I think as teenagers and twenty something, you just don’t have as refined a control over that regulation. But again, that’s why we NEED change, so that we can develop those controls.

    DISCLAIMER: I’m not a psychologist, I’m a computer science teacher, so these are just my opinions from personal experience, and not comparable to the works of Piaget or anyone.

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