I hadn’t realised how deeply patterns engrain themselves into our being, our selves. This time last year and then literally to the same day, this year, I suddenly HATE my life in the city and need to get the hell outta here. I feel this a LOT anyway, but this time of year it hits, it’s different. I realised this morning, in a light bulb moment of clarity, that this sudden and desperate surge, and need, to be submerged in the wild, to go back to the roots of living, to be free from responsibility, to be barefoot on the grass all day, to be surrounded by what-life’s-about in its pure wholesome goodness, is because this time every year I would be at the annual small camp/festival I’ve known since I was a kid. 600 folks in a field. Me and bunches of friends camp in circles, eat off the fire or under the marquee of the camp cafe, dance, sing, hug, laugh, play barefoot football, create art, perform acts, attend workshops, run workshops, wear ridiculous clothing and wigs, MC talent nights, and just spend twelve wholesome days in a field not knowing nothing else. Not leaving the four green walls once, apart from to walk to the adjacent field to go for a swim in the estuary.
It’s such a breath of fresh air to realise THIS is why I get this panic that I feel so somatically. This is why suddenly I have been looking at my life and wondering what the hell I’m doing. This is why I suddenly feel like a fish out of water or a leaf fallen from a tree – I feel this a lot here, in the city, but this is different. This is so set to this time of year and so set to the particular needs that this camp meets – the Wild Needs. This is why yesterday I was suddenly furious with the way we all live. My blood was boiling with the fact that so many live (including me) so far from how we naturally should live or were born to live or used to live as human beings…the way so much of the world lives so far from the connection with nature that we so innately have and need. I wanted to run away to the place I know I can get this freedom. I was feeling so puzzled at how these feelings were/are literally here to the day, as they were last year.
But my body remembers. I can basically hear the atmosphere – the music, the drumming, the singing, the chatter, the laughter – in my ears, I can smell the cafe, the chai, the fire smoke, and I can feel the wild loving vibe in my being. I can feel in my body what I get from going to the camp: the freedom from responsibility, worries, ‘real life’ stuff, the disregard of my needs and focus on just living…I can feel the going-back-to-the-earth essence that the camp brings. I can also feel the arrogance the place kinda brings – the looking down my nose on everyone living a different life, not experiencing this…there’s a an element of ditching anyone who doesn’t understand and sticking with the people who do. But I can also feel the intensity of the place. The confusion it brings up in yourself. The conflict between a life you dream of leading – a simple, wild life – but also the frustration and the small mindedness of it, and the desire to be submerged in the modern world and away from the hippy shit. There’s the self judgement and self hating that I so often experience, during my time there. There’s the isolation – when you’re so deep in a loving community, your pain can surface and leave you feeling swamped and bizarrely alone. There’s such a mix and I know I have a habit of just remembering the good but now I come to think of it, fuck it’s full on! 12 days in a field? Yeah…
The goodness though, that is something that is so overflowingly there and what I need. This is why the day before yesterday, as the heavens opened and poured, I lay out in the heavy rain in the garden for ages and felt like I was being healed. And it’s why I went for a two/three hour walk in the pouring rain afterwards too. Getting drenched from the moment I stepped foot out the door. Water soaking and filling my shoes, so I walked right through ankle deep puddles. I sat on a hill and let myself get completely soaked, as I grinned no-end. Healing waters.
That’s why yesterday when I lay in a friends garden for hours – hours of peacefulness – and had an outdoor shower, it felt like the greatest medicine, ever.
This is pretty neat, and pretty exciting to realise this all. When something I so desperately want and more importantly, need, can’t be right there at my fingertips – ie. the camp – I can look at what this thing provides me in goodness, nutrition, health, and then find ways to meet those needs in my life now. And in a way, it makes it even better. I don’t want to be at the camp this year, but my body, sprit and soul does. I need what the camp gives me. So, I’m gonna go out and find it on home-ish turf.